


The Light in the Dark

by KrisLetang



Series: Demons [8]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Family, Fluff, Recovery, Smut, Weddings, Whiskey Tasting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 05:08:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 62,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15112436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Rafael's recovery continues as he spends time with his family, learning how to be a father. A lot of smut and fluff and some minor angsty things.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here's the massive fluffy fic I promised. There will still be some underlying sad stuff just cause Raf is still recovering, but there should be a lot of family and fluff and smut with the sad stuff acting as a background thing almost. I hope this lives up to your hopes and I will take suggestions if you want something included. Let me know what you think as always! Tags will be added as I go.

Bright flashing lights, hoards of people. No, not people. Vultures. You stood at Rafael’s side at the podium, and he looked confident on the outside. It was only at the DA’s request that he was doing this press conference anyways. He had spent hours picking out his clothes, doing his hair, and he looked impeccable, like his old self on the outside, but you knew better. Your Rafael was good at putting on a mask, a happy face for the crowd, but he could be falling apart inside. Gabriella was perched on his hip, dressed in a cute little onesie that Rafael adored and a tutu. He had clipped a little pink barrette into her dark locks after gently brushing it. You loved watching him with her, and he was so gentle and loving. “Um,” he started off uncharacteristically nervous, “I’m sure all of you heard about my various injuries and my assault over the last year,” You rubbed his back softly, “And I’m here today to address my return to work. Due to the mental stress from everything that has occurred, and my still healing injuries, the DA and I decided I will be taking an additional six months of medical leave after which a psychiatrist, my team of doctors, and myself will reevaluate where I’m at and make a decision. As for now, my more than capable wife, ADA Y/L/N will continue to handle SVU’s cases. Thank you,” he said. 

“Mr. Barba, will you continue to be able to objectively prosecute sex crimes after your own assault?” One of the reporters shouted, and Rafael took a deep breath. 

“The moment I allow my own experiences to cloud my judgement will be the moment I resign as a district attorney. My goal is and always will be getting justice for the victim, and I can’t allow personal feelings to influence that,” he replied. You were proud of him, proud of how well he was handling the questions. He answered a few more before they finally called a stop to it and he was allowed to leave. 

“Good job Rafa,” you said softly, “You did great up there,” 

“Thanks,” He whispered, but he looked upset. You rubbed his back, walking with him towards the car. Gabriella was babbling and squirming in his arms, “Hey sweetheart,” he said softly, “What do you say about going and getting some ice cream?” He asked, and she started clapping. “Oh you silly goose,” he murmured. You smiled, keeping your arm around him, 

“Ice cream sounds delicious,” you said softly. 

“Mmm, someone seems to agree,” he replied with a laugh when Gabriella grinned. Her sticky hands were all tangled in his suit jacket. “You little goofball,” she giggled, and it made him smile. She always managed to make him smile when you couldn’t whether it was a little laugh or a face or even just snuggling with him. He reached for your hand and you took it, squeezing. “I love you,” he said suddenly, and you knew he wanted to hear it back. He needed to hear it back. 

“I love you too Rafael. Always,” you told him, and that earned you a genuine smile. “I am so very proud of you for everything. You're doing so much better,” 

“I know. Sometimes I wish it was easier though. Today has been rough,” he whispered. You were glad he was opening up and talking to you even if it was just a little bit. Things had been better since that day at the cemetery where he finally confronted his father. He had given in and started seeing George again, but lately he seemed down again, and you weren’t sure what to do other than to be there for him and promise you loved him no matter what. 

You walked to a little place where you could get ice cream, and Rafael got chocolate instead of his usual coffee, but it didn’t surprise you when he started sharing it with Gabriella, taking a spoonful for himself and then giving her a little bite. You were scared to see what would happen when she could actually talk. He wouldn’t be able to say no to anything. You got mint chocolate chip for yourself, and you smiled as you watched him fly the spoon around like an airplane, making your daughter giggle. “You are such a softie,” you told him, and he blushed. 

“She’s so perfect,” he whispered, “I’m so grateful to have her and you,” 

“I don’t know where I’d be without you Rafael, so it goes both ways,” you told him, and he smiled at that. “So um, the wedding is in three weeks. What are we doing with Gabriella while we’re in Paris?” you asked. He had been pushing off making a decision on where she would stay. You knew he was having some sort of separation anxiety, not wanting to entrust her with anyone other than you or himself for a prolonged period of time. 

“Can’t we wait another week to decide?” he asked, holding her just a little bit tighter, and you shook your head. 

“Rafa, you are going to have to make some sort of decision. It’s only two weeks. She will be fine,” you told him, but he started to shake a little bit, and Gabriella sensed his distress almost immediately, her face starting to crumble, little sobs starting to escape. 

“It’s okay princess, Daddy is fine,” he whispered, rocking her and trying to soothe her, but he wasn’t fine and she could tell. 

“Rafa, what’s the problem here? I can’t help you if you don’t explain to me what’s going on,” you told him, and he looked away, tears filling his eyes. He shut them, resting his face against her hair for a few moments, 

“I want to protect her,” he whispered, “I don’t want anything bad to happen to her…..like what happened to me,” 

“Rafael,” you said softly, “She’s gonna be alright. We’re gonna leave her with Sonny or your Mom or Liv, and they will take good care of her. You know they will,” 

“Do I?” he asked, and he looked away, cradling her close. You wanted to promise him that everything would be okay, but you knew he wouldn’t believe you, not with everything that had already happened. “My own mother had no idea what my father was doing to me Y/N, and I don’t know if I trust anyone but you or me to protect her. I can’t let anything happen to her. I just can’t,” he whispered, and you reached for his hand,

“You can’t protect her from everything Rafa, and I know you know that. Think about it a little more. We can FaceTime her every day if you want. There are big problems and little problems, and this one is little,” you told him softly, and he nodded after a few minutes. He seemed distressed though, and he wasn’t as interested in his ice cream anymore. He gave Gabriella a few more little bites, but having been out all morning coupled with her Daddy’s turbulent emotions, she was beginning to get fussy and grumpy. When she started sobbing, Rafael stood up and rocked her, walking around a bit, but she wasn’t quieting much. You cleaned up, following him as he left the little shop, and soon enough, he had her asleep in his arms. 

“It’s nap time anyways,” he said softly, and you nodded.

“Let’s just go home Rafael,” you suggested, and he smiled at you again, but this time you knew it was a mask. 

………………………………

You had Rafael’s head resting against your chest as you watched tv in bed. It was late, but you were off the next day for once, so neither of you were concerned with the time. He was quiet, thinking about something, but he wasn’t upset which made you happy. You never knew with him, always wondering if he was alright or if he needed you, but unsure of exactly how to help. “I think we should leave her with Sonny,” he said, startling you from your thoughts. 

“Sonny? Really?” you asked, “That’s the last answer I expected from you,” 

“Well, my mom is busy, and even if she gets upset with me over this, I kind of don’t want to leave Gabriella with her,” he admitted, “And Liv already has Noah to worry about. Sonny is good with kids,” 

“I’m fine with it,” you said, stroking a hand through his hair, 

“I’ll make him a list and we’ll talk with him about what she needs, but like you said, it’s only two weeks,” he said softly, and you knew now he was trying to convince himself. His hand was moving in soft circles over your shirt, but then it dipped under, touching smooth skin, and you held him close. “Tell me you love me,” he whispered, and you smiled, rubbing his back,

“I love you more than anything Rafa,” you promised, and he nodded. 

“I know I’m frustrating, and I’m being ridiculous, and I’m sorry, but I just worry and I can’t stop stressing out and you probably just want to wring my neck at this point--” you had to interrupt his nervous babbling.

“I understand exactly where you’re coming from Rafael, trust me. I don’t think you’re ridiculous. I promise,” you told him softly, “I love you, and I know you want what’s best for our daughter,” 

“Thank you,” he murmured wetly, and you brushed the tears away from his face,

“No need to cry tonight,” you whispered, “But how about you come up here and give me a kiss,” He nodded, shifting around so he could press his lips to yours. It was soft and slow and lazy, but you were clinging to him all the same, hand resting on his hot skin at the base of his neck and his lower back where his shirt rode up. One big hand spread across your ribs, pulling you closer to him, the other keeping him perched up above you as the kiss grew more and more heated. 

“Can I?” he whispered, his one hand starting to pull at your shirt, and you nodded. He eased your shirt off your body, letting it drop beside the bed as he kissed your neck. He was rubbing his hands across your skin, lips moving softly against yours, soft presses of his tongue past your lips, his clothed erection poking into your thigh. He shifted his hips a few times, seeking out some friction before he finally got around to shrugging off his own shirt and working on your leggings. His hands were shaking as he stripped himself, and then pressed into you slowly, giving you a few seconds to adjust to him. He set a slow pace, his hips rocking back and forth, face pressed into your neck, his hands intertwined with your own. “I love you,” he whispered, kissing your neck. His lips were everywhere: your neck, your face, your lips, and the drag of his skin against your own was delicious. The room grew hot, sweat sticking your bodies together. Rafael’s breathing was ragged as he murmured words of endearment against your skin. He whispered how much he loved you and how beautiful you were, how he wasn’t anything without you, and you pulled him close. 

“Rafa--oh god baby,” you whispered, “Love you too,” Your nails raked down his back on a particularly hard thrust, and then his lips were back on your own, stifling your gasps. He came first, shuddering and stiffening in your arms, but he immediately was pressing his fingers inside you and bringing your to the brink. Afterwards, you lay in his arms, both of you starting to drift slightly as you came down from your high. 

“Let’s get a shower,” he whispered after a while, and you groaned, but struggled out of bed to follow him into the bathroom. The water was hot, filling the room with steam, and he was all over you again, his hands running over slick, soapy skin. His lips were warm but insistent, “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he whispered. 

“I love you Rafael,” you promised him, and he stilled, just breathing against your neck, his body in your arms. 

“I love you too,” he murmured. He pulled back slightly, and wiped at his eyes. The rest of the shower was lazy, breathless, some heavy petting, but nothing serious. You were drying off when you heard Gabriella starting to cry over the baby monitors. Rafael was half dressed, in a pair of boxers, so he went off to her room, appearing just as you slipped into some shorts and a tee shirt. He had her on his hip again, her little arms reaching up like she wanted to wrap them around his neck, so he shifted her around to accommodate. She was still fussy, so he bounced her a few times, murmuring quietly to try and calm her down. “Are you hungry princess?” he asked softly, and he looked at you. You nodded, holding your arms out for her. He handed her over, and you both went to the bedroom, so you could breastfeed her. If you weren’t around, she would take a bottle, but after you’d healed up from surgery, you had been getting her used to regular breastfeeding. Rafael sat beside you in bed, his arm around you, and it was comfortable. When she finished eating, Rafael burped her and then he disappeared again. You waited for him to come back, but he was taking a really long time. When you went to look for him, he was in her room, asleep in the rocking chair, Gabriella passed out in his lap. He had been reading her a book. You laughed, considering leaving them there, but he would have an awful backache if you did. You gently picked up Gabriella, easing her down into her crib, and then you shook Rafael’s shoulder. 

“Sweetheart, wake up,” you whispered, and his eyes fluttered open. “Come on to bed,” you told him, and he nodded. When he crawled under the covers, his arms immediately snaked around your waist. 

“Night,” he mumbled,

“Good night baby,” you whispered back, holding him close.

………………………………

You were watching tv on the couch the next morning, after getting up late while Rafael was on the floor with Gabriella. He was on his stomach, stacking blocks with her. She was mostly just reaching for them and giggling as she shook them around or put them in her mouth. Rafael was smiling like an idiot every time she did anything, and you couldn’t help but grin as you watched them. He held up a green block in front of her, “This one is green,” he said softly. He would talk to her and tell her things, not truly expecting her to understand him, but he liked to try and teach her things. She just giggled again and grabbed another block, trying to chew on it. Rafael laughed, tickling her belly and making faces as she giggled. After a few minutes though, he was tired and he needed a drink. He still wasn’t all together physically, but he was getting close. “Daddy will be right back,” he promised, standing up and disappearing to the kitchen. She looked heartbroken and started to fuss, but she quieted down when you picked her up, 

“He’s coming back silly. Don’t worry,” you promised. She smiled and snuggled into your arms. You didn’t get much time like that, alone with her. You held her close, wishing that you could find more time in the day. By the time you got home from work, you were usually exhausted, and Rafael liked to read her books before bed and give her a bath. You didn’t want to take any of that away from him. You knew he needed it. When he returned, he sat beside you on the couch. 

“Someone is really good at wearing Daddy out,” he said, tapping her nose. She giggled again, and you smiled. He looked at you and leaned in for a kiss, “I can think of someone else who is really good at wearing Daddy out,” he said in a teasing tone. You couldn’t help but chuckle at him. After he rested for awhile, he climbed back down onto the floor with her, playing blocks more. He was building something for her when she picked one up and threw it, hitting him right in the face. You were by his side immediately, 

“Gabriella, no,” you said sternly, “You can’t hit Daddy,” You touched the side of his face, worrying seriously about his head. You were supposed to be very, very careful with him. 

“I’m fine,” he whispered, but you weren’t convinced, holding his head steady, 

“Rafael, look at me. You can’t hit your head,” you said softly, and he sighed, but looked you in the eyes. He looked alright, for the most part, a red mark where the block had smacked him in the face.

“My name is Rafael, my birthday is October 24th, I’m at home in Manhattan New York. We’re getting married in three weeks,” he said dryly, and you smiled, laughing softly at him.

“Okay,” you murmured, stroking the side of his face. You gently picked up your daughter, “No throwing things,” you told her softly, hoping she understood, but knowing she probably didn’t. Rafael took her from your arms, holding her close,

“She doesn’t know any better,” he told you softly, and you nodded,

“I just worry about you,” you whispered. 

“I know,” he replied, rubbing his face. You sat there for awhile watching the tv, but both of you stopped suddenly,

“Dada,” she said, smacking his chest to get his attention that had wavered. A silly grin broke out across his ace, and he looked to you, incredible wonder in his eyes, “Dada,” she said again, and he looked so amazed. When he looked to you again, there were tears in his eyes and an a shocked laugh escaped his lips,

“That’s right honey, that’s Dada,” you said, smiling softly yourself.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here's chapter number 2. As always, I'd love to hear what you think! Thanks for reading :)

Rafael was exhausted. He always felt tired anymore. Your bed was warm, and he wanted to slip back asleep, but you had only hit snooze a couple minutes ago, an soon you’d be leaving and he’d be alone all day with Gabriella. He loved the time he got to spend with her, but he wished you could stay with him. He didn’t like it when you left. Just like he knew would happen, your alarm started blaring after a few minutes, and you started to pull out of his arms. “Y/N,” he mumbled, “Don’t go,” 

“Raf,” you replied, “Sweetie, I can’t stay home today,” 

“Please,” he whispered again, feeling pathetic. 

“You’re gonna be fine. I know you don’t think so now, but once you get up and start taking care of Gabriella, you’ll feel good,” you promised him, “You have therapy later today. Don’t forget to take your medicine,” 

“Okay,” he whispered, wiping at a few stray tears,

“I’ll be home at five. I promise,” you told him, leaning down for a kiss, and this time he let you up. He hated himself for it, but he never liked it when you left him alone anymore. He sighed and turned over, hoping to fall back asleep and ignore the pounding anxiety that was starting to overtake him. As he was drifting off, he felt your small hand trail over his spine, and he sighed happily. “I promise it’ll be okay,” you whispered, and he let himself be comforted by that. 

The second time he woke up, he felt much better. He only had been pulled from his sleep due to the wailing coming from the baby monitor. He got out of bed, rushing to Gabriella’s room, picking her up and cradling her close to his body, “It’s alright princessa, Daddy is here. Are you hungry?” She sniffled a bit, but he wiped the tears from her eyes, warming up a bottle and then carefully feeding her. “How about you and me go to the park?” he asked, and she giggled at him. He smiled getting her dressed and then himself, and packing up a bag with her things. He walked her down the sidewalk, forcing himself to relax. No one was out to get him. He was perfectly safe. It was hard sometimes to tamp down on the panic, but he was getting better and better at recognizing his triggers and avoiding them or being proactive. 

He passed a few mothers in the park with their kids, watching how happy they all looked, and he was jealous. Of course he loved you and Gabriella, and he wished that was always enough to make him better, but he still felt broken and it was so frustrating to him. He wanted to get out of this hole that he had been trapped in. As he walked further in the park, the nature helped him to calm down. He stopped by an area with some shade and laid out a blanket that the could sit on with Gabriella. She sat beside him and waved her little arms at butterflies and bugs, and he smiled and told her what they were called. She mostly made nonsense sounds but occasionally she would copy something he said and it would vaguely resemble a real word. Everytime she said ‘Dada’ his heart fluttered, and he felt like a million dollars. She kept him going, kept him sane. She was his light, and he would forever try to be better for her. He read her a book, and she laid on his tummy for a while, smiling down at him and making him laugh. Her chubby hands pressing into him as she tried to move around. He pushed her on a swing after that, and she squealed happily which made him happy. It was starting to get late though, and his stomach was rumbling. He was sure Gabriella was hungry. Her pediatrician had just started allowing him to feed her baby food once a day, and he was trying hard to get her to eat it. She seemed to enjoy throwing it at him more than anything though. 

He regretted wearing a white shirt when he tried to feed her sweet potato baby food and she flung some of it back at him. She always managed to get it all over him. “Por favor Gabriella, for Daddy. Just one bite,” he practically begged. She would eat ice cream but not baby food. He moved the spoon like an airplane, making noises and faces, but when it reached her lips, they were stubbornly clamped shut. Little green eyes started into big ones, narrowed and ready to go to battle. He sighed frustratedly, taking a deep breath, and trying again, “Come on, you can do it,” He tickled her tummy to get her to open her mouth, and then she finally took one bite. Half of it dripped down her face, but he still considered it a victory especially when she seemed to realize it wasn’t all that bad. She took a few more bites from him before she was obviously done with it, and he got her a bottle after that. He ate leftovers from dinner the night before, lechon and rice and beans, one helping while he was changing her into new clothes and another after he put her down for a nap. Then he needed a shower so he could go to his therapy appointment and look presentable, so he took the baby monitor into the bathroom and climbed under the warm water. He rubbed soap into his skin, still hating the angry red line that bisected his sternum. He felt like a shell of himself still, and it was an ugly reminder of everything that happened. He couldn’t let his mind wander though, or he would be reduced to a sobbing, shaking mess. Instead, he climbed out, drying off and dressing in some khakis and a patterned button down and going to collect Gabriella from her crib. She quickly fell back asleep once he had her in the car seat, and then he collected his wallet and phone, locking the door on the way out. He hailed a cab, getting her secured in the seat before climbing in himself. 

…………………………

“Breathe Rafael, feel the cool air entering your nose. Just notice it and then let it out. Let out your tension,” Huang said softly, and Rafael tried to do what he said, but it was so hard to just relax. He was always on high alert. “Okay open your eyes,” Rafael blinked, sitting back against the couch, “Tell me about this week,” 

“It’s been frustrating,” he said softly, “The press conference had me all keyed up, and then I was feeling anxious about being alone again,”

“What scares you about being alone?” George asked softly. Rafael sighed, staring at his hands,

“I just--I don’t know what will happen, and I feel out of control. Y/N makes me feel safe. I always feel better when she’s around,” he explained, and George nodded encouragingly, “W-When I was assaulted at the hospital, I was alone, and I was so scared she’d never forgive me, but when she showed up, she just made everything better. She took care of me and held me and promised me everything was going to be alright, and I felt like maybe it could be,” 

“Do you think you would be able to spend a few days apart from her?” George asked softly, and Rafael felt his heart rate start to increase immediately. “Okay, relax,” Huang said gently, “I just want to think about it. The goal here is getting you independent again. It’s not healthy to need Y/N so badly all the time, and I want you back in a place where you’re okay on your own,” 

“You’re right. I know you’re right, but I don’t even want to be apart from her. Is that bad?” he asked, feeling pathetic and clingy again. 

“It’s not bad Rafael. It’s alright to want to be around her, but I don’t want you to need to be around her,” George clarified, and Rafael nodded, “Do you think there’s any possibility you could do two days just on your own?” Rafael breathed, counting each second and trying to keep his muscles relaxed. 

“Maybe,” he said softly, “Maybe before the wedding,” 

“Good, at least you’re thinking about it. You look even more relaxed than you did a moment ago. You’re getting really good at calming yourself down. Very good improvement,” George said, and Rafael felt himself beaming at the words of praise. He wanted to get better so badly. “Let’s talk a little bit about the wedding then. How do you feel about it?” 

“Excited,” Rafael said, relaxing even more at the change in subject, “I wanted this all along, and I feel like now that I’m doing better, I can give Y/N what she deserves,” 

“Good, that’s good. You’re not nervous at all?” he prodded. 

“Um, a little. I have to get up in front of all those people and do my vows, but mostly excited,” he replied, and Huang smiled,

“Anything that’s been bothering you?” he asked, and Rafael sighed, clenching his hands,

“I had another nightmare this week, and I’m really sick and tired of them,” he said. George nodded, signalling for him to continue, but Rafael clammed up a little bit, feeling his stomach twist and turn when he thought about it. 

“If you don’t want to tell me what happened, maybe you can tell me how it made you feel?” George asked, and Rafael nodded,

“Helpless,” he whispered, “Guilty, disgusting, terrified,” 

“And what did you do afterwards?” George asked, and Rafael stiffened slightly,

“I didn’t cut if that’s what you’re trying to ask,” he snapped, and George held up his hands,

“I didn’t accuse you of anything Rafael. I asked,” he said gently, and Rafael relaxed slightly,

“Sorry--I--” he trailed off, “I uh, I went for a walk. Just in the apartment building, but I needed to move around and clear my head. Y/N held me for a while after that, and then I did finally fall back asleep,” he replied. Rafael was glad to have George, and it had taken him a while to forgive the psychiatrist, but when he finally did, he felt better about what happened before. He wished he hadn’t over reacted so badly to everything, but when his kids were involved, he was going to be protective. He was the mama bear of sorts. “Um….” he said softly, shifting around uncomfortably. George waited for him to speak, “I also--I feel guilty still because of what happened with the baby. I hate that I was so relieved. I feel….responsible,” 

“I know Rafael, and you know that it was going to be tough. I don’t think you were relieved that the baby died. I think you were relieved that it was all over,” George told him gently, and Rafael nodded, “Did you mourn the loss of your child?”

“Yes,” Rafael said softly, staring at his lap, “I take Gabriella to visit sometimes,”

“You weren’t happy it was dead, you were glad that everything was going to return to some sort of normal,” George said, and Rafael shut his eyes, trying to internalize it. He wanted to remember, to believe it. “A high stress situation had just resolved itself, and you did not need anymore stress,” Yes. Therapy was a good, good idea. Probably the best thing he’d done for himself in a long time. He just wished he’d tried it earlier.

……………………………….

He didn’t know how he let himself be talked into this. He didn’t even want a bachelor party. He was already married anyways, and he was glad to be. He’d already spent too many nights alone, too many nights in ‘freedom.’ He was happy to be finally settling down, to finally have his wedding and his family and move on with his life. “Don’t look like someone just killed your puppy Rafael,” Liv’s voice was teasing, but he scowled all the same, “It’ll be fun. I promise,” He was seated in a limo, dressed in some ridiculous get-up that he was positive Sonny had a hand in choosing. He especially despised the crown that sat on his head. 

“Why won’t you tell me where we’re going?” he practically whined, and Liv laughed at him,

“It’s nothing bad, I promise,” she told him, and sighed despairingly, but he did believe her. 

“No strippers?” he asked softly, and it was her turn to glare, “Just checking.” he said in his own defense. Then another thought occurred to him, “Y/N will kill you if you get me too drunk. She doesn’t like me having alcohol with my meds,” 

“What she doesn’t know won’t kill her,” Liv replied, “And I checked with Huang,” Now he was really nervous. He calmed down some though when he climbed out of the car to find himself at a brewery. “See, I promised,” Liv told him, and he nodded, feeling silly for getting himself so worked up. He didn’t like surprises. 

“Counselor,” Sonny’s voice was cheery and Rafael smiled as he saw Fin and Sonny and Eddie. Liv took him in, and he quickly caught on. They were tasting whiskey. It was relaxed, but fun, trying a little bit of the different kinds, some of them smokey and smooth, others with hints of citrus or vanilla. The guy who was running the tour added just enough water to open up the flavor and Rafael hadn’t had such good alcohol since he started on his depression medication. It was nice to let loose, to treat himself for once, and the warm buzz at the pit of his stomach felt nice. After they finished, Liv bought him a nice big steak and he was smiling and having more fun than he remembered in a long time. It was afterwards, in the car that he found himself talking to Sonny,

“Y/N talked to you right?” he said softly, feeling a bit sleepy from everything.

“About watching Gabriella?” he asked, and Rafael nodded, “Yeah, I’ve got her a room set up and everything. You have nothing to worry about,” Rafael fished around in his jacket pocket for the list he made,

“Um, here’s her schedule, when you should feed her, when she needs a nap. She get really fussy at bedtime, but if you sing her something, usually she’ll calm down. She won’t sleep without Jesús anymore. I packed him in her bag, and her blanket. She likes being bounced, and you need to read her a book before bed every night. I play classical music when she can’t sleep--”

 

“Rafael,” Sonny interrupted, putting his hands on the older man’s shoulders, “Calm down. I’ve got this. You can FaceTime us, and I’ll keep you updated. She will be fine. I promise,” 

“Good cause if you hurt my daughter in anyway, I will kill you personally,” Rafael said lowly, “Prison be damned,” Carisi’s eyes went a little wide, but he laughed. Rafael relaxed a bit after that, knowing that Gabriella was going to be taken care of while he was gone. He just needed to breathe. 

…………………………….

He was sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to breathe when Liv appeared, “Hey, how are you feeling?” she asked,

“Nervous,” he admitted, “Just about saying the vows. I’m so ready for this,” 

“You’re gonna do great up there,” she told him, taking a seat beside him. He was already on edge from spending the weekend away from you. Two days had been alone in a hotel room, and the first night, he’d cried himself to sleep, but the separation anxiety was starting to fade, and now that he was with Liv, he did feel a lot better. That coupled with the fact that he was getting married tomorrow. He could barely wrap his mind around it, finally reaching the day he had been waiting for. His big church wedding. The one his mother had dreamed of, one that would make you happy, and one where he could tell everyone, friends and family, how much he loved you. 

“I’m more nervous about leaving Gabriella behind, but I’m trying to relax,” he said softly. 

“I know it’s hard, but before you know it, you’ll be back by her side, and she’ll he alright,” Liv promised. A loud knock interrupted their discussion, and Noah came in, shoving himself between Liv and Rafael on the bed. 

“Hi Uncle Rafa,” he said, and Rafael immediately pulled him into a hug, 

“Hey buddy, how are you?” he asked, and Noah started telling him about school and friends and something he drew, and Rafael felt so calm. Noah was another light in his dark mind, managing to right what felt wrong and helping him to forget the bad. As he fell asleep on the bed, the little boy zonked out beside him, Rafael was ready to face the next day, knowing that somehow, he was going to make it through. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Y/N's long awaited Church Wedding except it's not quiiitee at a church. I hope this is good. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

Rafael woke up three or four times throughout the night. He was restless and anxious to get started. The wedding was in Miami on the beach, and he had taken a plane a few days before. He had debated the merits of just having it in a church in New York, but he knew his mother would be more than happy as long as it was a big event with a priest. You had gotten there last night. Noah was still asleep in the hotel bed with him, and he smiled, grateful for anytime he had with the little boy. Noah always managed to make him smile even when things seemed impossible. Noah just loved with no judgements, no worries, and he couldn’t even express how much it meant to him to have that. He finally gave up on sleep around six, sitting in bed and staring at the alarm clock for a few minutes. He went into the bathroom and took a shower, shampooing his hair and scrubbing soap into his skin. He shaved his face, rubbing on some aftershave that he knew you liked. He pulled on a pair of shorts just to wear around until it was time to get into his actual suit. He found himself out on the couch, reading over his vows desperately, trying to remember, to make sure he didn’t forget. 

“You’re not gonna forget that stuff Rafa,” Liv said softly, and he looked up to see her smiling from the doorway, “You just say how you feel up there, and Y/N will be happy,” He sighed, and tried to smile, but he was so stressed out. 

“I’m just worried I’ll get up there, and my brain will shut off,” he said softly, “When we were at the courthouse, I couldn’t even--I froze up. I don’t think I heard a word that woman said, and people are gonna be watching,” 

“It’s going to be alright. I promise, and if you freak out, I’ll keep that in my pocket,” she offered, and that really did help him to calm down some. He was just so nervous. He wanted everything to be perfect for you and for his family. Liv brought him a cup of coffee that he started sipping at, but his quiet morning was soon interrupted by the sound of small feet on the hardwood floor. 

“Uncle Rafa!” Noah exclaimed, jumping onto the couch beside him, 

“Hey bud, are you excited for later?” Rafael asked, and he nodded, “You are gonna make today so special for me and Aunt Y/N,” 

“Why are you getting married again?” Noah asked, and Rafael smiled, 

“Cause Uncle Rafa is finally starting to feel better,” he answered, and Noah just accepted the answer without question. “Wanna watch some cartoons?” he asked, and Noah nodded energetically. Rafael turned on the tv and put on something that was appropriate for Noah. He laughed softly at the cartoons for awhile until Liv appeared at the door again, 

“Someone is here to visit Daddy,” she said, and his eyes lit up. He was up to his feet almost immediately, taking Gabriella from Liv’s arms, and he held her so close. 

“Mmm Daddy missed you so much,” he whispered, feeling tears pricking his eyes. It had only been about three days, but he had been dying slowly inside without her. He worried constantly even though he knew he shouldn’t. 

“Dada, Dada,” she said happily, her chubby arms winding around his neck, and he felt like everything was okay again. He was okay, today was gonna be okay, and he had nothing to worry about. He rubbed her back softly,

“Oh sweetheart,” he whispered, “I’m gonna miss you while I’m gone. You mean the world to me, you know that? You’re so beautiful,” he bounced her a few times, and then settled on the couch, just enjoying the ability to be with his daughter. Noah scooted closer, 

“Uncle Rafa,” he mumbled, “Can I hold her?” he looked at Rafael shyly, and the lawyer felt torn. He didn’t ever want to let go of her again, and Liv stepped in,

“Noah, why don’t we go do something else. Let Uncle Rafa hold Gabriella,” she said, but the sad look in Noah’s eyes was too much for Rafael,

“No, no that’s alright,” he replied, “You have to be really gentle with her okay?” Noah nodded softly, so Rafael gently passed her over to him, helping him to hold her close. Gabriella smiled softly and cuddled up with Noah. Rafael smiled softly to himself as he watched Noah with her. “She likes you,” he said softly, and Noah smiled broadly. Rafael couldn’t have felt happier in that moment. 

………………………

He was reading a book, trying desperately to pass the time. He couldn’t wrap his head around why you had chosen an evening ceremony because the waiting was killing him. He wanted it to be time. His nerves were eating him alive. He was glad to have Gabriella at least who was asleep on his stomach as he read on the couch in the hotel room. He was ready to wait for you at the end of the aisle and enjoy the ceremony as long as he could remember what he wanted to say. He ready through his vows a few times to Gabriella, but she was asleep, “What do you think Princesa?” he whispered, smoothing her hair down, “You’re so lucky to have the best Mommy around,” He heard Liv laughing slightly from the doorway and he blushed, 

“You should probably start getting dressed for pictures,” she said, and he stood up, happy that he could finally do something wedding related. He carried Gabriella to the bedroom, Liv following along with her outfit. It was a cute little white flowing dress, and he gently put her hair up into a little ponytail with a white bow. She looked adorable and he was happy. He handed her off to Liv after that to go in her pack and play until it was time for pictures. Rafael took a deep breath, taking another quick shower, soaping off and making himself smell nice before he got into a pair of boxer briefs. Liv helped him into his white button down, and then came the grey pants. He rolled them up a bit, going barefoot. Liv held out the vest for him and she tied his light pink tie, helping his shaking hands. He dabbed on some cologne and then he started to do his hair. He had a comb and his various hair products. His longer hair was a pain to wrangle into submission, but he knew you preferred it that way, and he tried to humor you. After some painstaking styling, he got it to sit right, swooping just perfectly, but still laying flat on his head. Liv looked over him, fixing anything that needed straightening, and then they both helped Noah get dressed. Liv was wearing a light grey dress that matched his vest and pants, and Noah was wearing grey pants, a white button down with pink suspenders and a pink tie. They headed out towards the beach to take the pictures, and Rafael enjoyed being outside in the nice warm weather. The sun was beating down on him, warming his skin, and making him feel happy. 

“Rafi, oh you look so handsome,” his mother’s voice startled him, but then she was hugging him and looking him over. “And Gabriella, my darling,” she cooed, scooping her up and holding her close. Rafael smiled a bit tensely. A lot of his things were improving, including his forgiveness towards her, but there were times when he still struggled with the anger. The bitterness. He wished he could just let go, and forgive, but it wasn’t that simple for him, “Are you excited?” she asked, and he nodded, “So um...I was wondering, what are you doing with Gabriella while you guys are gone?” Not the conversation he needed at the moment,

“Uh, let’s talk about this later,” he said, and she looked slightly alarmed, but then he heard Sonny’s voice, and he looked over, his jaw going slack. Your hair was loose, curled softly, laying over your shoulders, and you were wearing a shorter wedding dress, perfect for the beach. It hugged all your curves just right, and his mouth felt completely dry. “You look….” he trailed off. You smiled at him, pulling him in for a kiss. The pictures were slow and lengthy, but they were going really well, and he was happy to be with you after so long, to feel your hand in his own, to feel your lips against his. He leaned his forehead against yours, his big hands cradling your hips, and they snapped away, you two with Gabriella, him with Noah and Liv, you with Sonny, and you with your sister. He took a few pictures with his mother, and then it was time to eat something before the ceremony and he had to leave you for a little while again. He pulled you close for one more kiss. Liv made him a sandwich to eat and he picked at it as he waited for it to finally be time for him to walk down the aisle. His anxiety was increasing with every moment, but he tried to ignore it. It felt like every minute took an hour, but then finally it was ten minutes until he needed to go out there, and he was feeling sick to his stomach. He could hear people outside, and he was starting to breathe heavier. He went to the bathroom, kneeling down and throwing up what he’d eaten before, and Liv came in to find him on the ground, 

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, and he nodded, getting up and carefully splashing his face with some water. He took a few deep breaths, calming himself down and then following Liv out of the building and onto the sand. It was getting dark, the aisle lit up by candles, setting up in front of the perfect backdrop that was the beach. He went down the aisle, smiling at various friends and family members, standing on the left side of Father Mike and waiting patiently for you. He was nervous still, shifting his weight from foot to foot, but Liv was right beside him and that helped. She put a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he tried to keep himself calm. When the music started to play, he looked down the aisle as Noah came first, smiling hugely and standing right beside him. He laughed, softly, relaxing as Noah reached for his hand. Rafael held his little hand in his own as first Ella came down the aisle and then Sonny who had Gabriella in his arms. When you appeared at the end of the aisle, he felt happier than he had in a long time. It was finally time. The candle light made the ceremony feel more personal to him, more romantic, and he felt tears gathering in his eyes as you made your way towards him. It was like deja-vu at first where he could barely even hear the ceremony, but then you took his hands, and he was able to focus more.

“I understand each of you would like to say a few words,” Father Mike prompted, and he was supposed to go first, so he took a deep breath, clearing his throat, 

“Um, before I met you, I was too scared to face things that haunted me, and I wasn’t brave enough to get help when I needed it. I was in a dark, dark place, but then you showed up, and when everything felt like it was going to drown me, you were the breath of fresh air that I needed. I usually can’t be paid to stop talking, but I can’t even adequately articulate what your impact on my life has been. You make me want to get up in the morning, and I will forever be grateful for that. You gave me our daughter who is the light of my life. I promise from this day forth to honor you and to love you as much as you’ve loved me. I promise to cherish you, and to take care of you in sickness and in health. No matter what happens, I know we can get through it together,” he said softly, and when he looked into your eyes, he saw tears that matched his own. He barely even heard the rest of the ceremony, so enamoured with your beauty, the way you promised to love him forever, but he didn’t need to hear you say that. He was starting to finally understand, to see how much you cared for him. You were always there, everyday, making him feel like a person who mattered. You made him feel like life was worth living. When he finally got to kiss you, he felt warmth exploding inside of him, and he just wanted to stay like that forever. He took Gabriella from Sonny, walking down the aisle, this time holding your hand, and he couldn’t think of anywhere he’d rather be. 

………………………

“Rafa, great job. I knew you could do it,” Liv said softly, and he beamed at her, “Congratulations hotshot,” 

“Thanks Liv, I couldn’t have done it without you,” he whispered. He was rolling his sleeves up, getting ready for the reception. She rubbed his back gently, and he sighed, feeling better now that it was done and he’d managed. He had been so nervous, but when it came time, he knew the words. Everyone else had been right, but it was so hard for him to relax sometimes. He was glad to know that he could still talk in front of people, that he was still himself under all the pain and fear. It gave him hope about returning to work later. When he got out to you again, he took your hand, not planning on letting go anytime soon, and Liv brought him Gabriella to hold as you went into the reception. Your first dance was slow, him holding you close, a hand on the small of your back, and he felt so safe with you,

“I’ve missed you these past few days,” you whispered, and he smiled,

“I missed you too,” he said softly, spinning you around the dance floor and smiling as the song wound down. You sat at the table, and Liv brought food for you, making sure you ate. Rafael wouldn’t let go of Gabriella, your impending departure making him want to squeeze in as much time with her as possible. After you ate, you made your way around, thanking people for coming, but Rafael wouldn’t let go of your hand. You didn’t mind. He had been through a rough couple of days apart from you, and you had missed him dearly the whole time. You were glad to have him back in your arms. When it was time to cut the cake, Rafael let you grab the knife first, putting his big hand over yours as you made the slice. You thought about smearing some on his face, but you weren’t sure how he’d react, so you just fed him a piece instead. He smiled, reciprocating the action and then you kissed, the moment was sweet. Rafael caught you off guard though when he took a glob of icing on his thumb and pressed it right on your nose, a goofy smirk on his face. Your eyebrows shot up, and you immediately retaliated with a handful of cake. He was laughing and then Liv helped wipe him off, and you were sure there were some good pictures. The party was fun, and there was a lot of dancing until it started to get really late, and it was time to finish up. Rafael looked a little nervous as you sat in the chair, getting ready for the garter toss. He smiled at you though, quelling your worries about his anxiety for the most part. He crawled up under your dress, but you could feel his hands shaking as he steadied himself on your thighs. He surprised you, bouncing along with the beat of the music, his teeth latching onto the lacy garment as he dragged it down your leg. He gave you a cute little smirk before flinging it into the crowd of awaiting bachelors. You were glad to see him having fun, to see him genuinely smiling at something. He pulled you up for one last dance, and you held him close, “Tonight has been perfect,” he whispered, and you nodded, leaning against him,

“I couldn’t have dreamed of anything better,” you murmured. He swayed back and forth, his hands keeping you close. 

“I’m just so happy,” he said softly, and you agreed. 

“Did you talk to your mom?” you asked, and he nodded, sighing. 

“She was not happy, let me tell you, but she didn’t say anything, so I’m just gonna mark it up as a win. We can deal with it when we get back,” he replied. 

“Speaking of which, I believe we have a date in a very expensive Honeymoon Suite,” you whispered by his ear, loving the way his breathing picked up just a tad, 

“We’re gonna be up all night,” he promised, kissing you softly, “Let’s just uh say bye to Gabriella, and make sure Sonny is good,” You nodded, letting him lead you over to your daughter. He held her so close for a while, talking to her softly and promising her it was going to be alright and that he wasn’t abandoning her. You found it melodramatic but adorable all the same. You held her too, knowing you were going to miss her tons. Two weeks was a long time to be away, and you wished that it wasn’t going to be so hard, but you knew Sonny would take good care of her. “FaceTime everyday,” Rafael said to Sonny, handing him the second list he made of her daily schedule, 

“I already have this,” Sonny said, but Rafael shook his head,

“No, that was her nap and food schedule for days where she doesn’t have playgroup. We got her signed up so she might meet some new friends,” you rolled your eyes as Rafael spent about fifteen minutes explaining to Sonny exactly when each schedule was applicable, and what he was supposed to do for about the fiftieth time. Finally, he was all yours, kissing Gabriella one more time before you headed towards the car. As you climbed in beside him, you knew this was going to be a turning point for not only him, but also for your little family. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here's the next chapter which is mostly just smut lmao. Rafael wanted the wedding night to be perfect so...I'd love to know what you think!

Rafael held your hand as you went into the hotel, a bellboy following with your bags. Rafael went up to the desk, getting the room key, and then going in the elevator with you. He kept his hands to himself mostly because there were other people in the elevator, but he was high strung. He unlocked the door with shaking hands, and you went inside, tipping the young man who had your bags. As soon as he was gone, Rafael was kissing you, hungrily, his hands tangled in your hair. “Let’s get some champagne or something,” he said softly, and you nodded, but he didn’t stop kissing you, instead pressing you up against the wall. You laughed softly, putting your hands on his shoulders,

“Alright, let’s get that champagne. We have all night and then two more weeks after that,” you promised him, and he finally stepped back, blushing slightly. He ordered the champagne from room service, and you took in the room. There was a huge, king sized bed in the middle of the room, a whirlpool tub with rose petals off the side. It was candle lit and beautiful. You took a seat on the bed, clicking on the tv, and finding something mindless to watch. He took a seat beside you on the bed, his arms going around you, “How are you feeling?” you asked. He snuggled his face against your shoulder, 

“I feel really, really good. Better than I have for awhile,” he told you softly. You were so glad to hear that from him. You ran your fingers through his hair softly, holding him close to you. 

“I’m so glad to hear that Rafael,” you told him, “You surprised me with that garter toss,” you said with a laugh. He chuckled against your shoulder, kissing your bare skin a few times, 

“I couldn’t help myself, up there under your dress,” his voice was growing lower, sultry, “I’ve been thinking about you for three days. I love you, and I missed you so much Y/N,” 

“I missed you too, and Gabriella missed you, but I know it was good for you to get out of the house,” you told him, holding his hand. He nodded, holding you close, and only getting up when there was a knock on the door. He came back with the champagne, and you took a glass, sipping from it. He set down his glass, reaching for you, his hands rubbing your sides, ghosting over your thighs, 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, “I want you so bad, I want to make you feel good,” You set your own glass down, scooting up the bed and beckoning him forward. His hands were shaking, but you couldn’t tell with the way his lips were moving over your neck, pressing you back against the bed. His body was warm and solid on top of you, and you reveled in his soft touches, his warm breath. “I don’t know what I would have done without you. I meant every word I said today. You mean the world to me,” 

“I love you too Rafa, you’re the most caring, loving man I know,” you told him, holding him close. 

“Never leave me, please,” he mumbled against your neck, and you frowned, 

“I promise Rafael, I’ll never leave you. I promise,” you whispered, and he starting in with renewed passion. He was kissing and nipping at your neck, and your hands were working on his vest, pushing it from his shoulders and onto the bed. You worked on the buttons of his shirt, popping them out one by one, working open his tie and slipping it from his neck. He gasped softly as you sucked a bruise under his jaw, 

“How did I get so lucky?” he whispered, and your hands ran over his warm skin. 

“You’re the lucky one?” you murmured, “I got a very handsome, very loving, caring man who takes care of me, and let’s me take care of him when he needs it,” He pressed his lips to yours,

“Sometimes he acts a fool and needs some convincing,” he said softly, and you laughed, 

“And I’ll spend the rest of my days convincing him,” you promised. You helped him peel his shirt off, and his torso was bared to you. Your nails dragged down his back as he started kissing your skin again. “I’ll do anything for him,” He stopped for a second, weeping against your neck, and you scratched his back, calming him down. His muscles tensed, kissing you, and you reached down to unbutton his pants. You dragged the zipper down, and he kicked them off, leaving himself only in his boxer briefs. His fingers were shaking, trembling as he reached behind you to unhook your dress. He slipped buttons out of loops, opening it up and easing it down, his mouth falling open as he revealed lacy, white lingerie. He gulped visibly, sitting back so he could take you in. 

“Jesus,” he muttered, “You’re just so….I don’t have words,” 

“Before we take this off, why don’t you go sit in that chair,” you whispered, and his eyes went wide, pupils blown. He almost tripped over himself going to sit down, and he watched you like a hawk as you clicked through your phone finding some music. You approached him, hips swaying to the beat as you came closer.  He was open mouthed and gawking as you trailed your hands over his skin, dancing for him, planting yourself in his lap and grinding on him and he let out a guttural noise. His boxer briefs were distorted by his erection, a wet spot spreading through the fabric. His hands went to your hips, but you batted them off, “No touching handsome,” you whispered, and he gulped. He couldn’t keep his hands to himself for long though, and soon he was picking you up, and depositing you on the bed, 

“Fuck, I need you,” he whispered. He eased your panties off your body, hands going for the clasp of your bra. He finally wrestled you out of all your clothes, slipping out of his own, and then he was kissing you, fingers slipping inside you, spreading the wetness, thumb rubbing over your clit. “Are you ready?” he breathed, and you nodded. He whined as he was pushing into you, his muscles locked, your fingers tangled in his hair, holding his head against your neck. “Oh--oh God,” he mumbled, and you shushed him, smoothing his hair off his sweaty forehead,

“It’s alright,” you murmured, and he nodded, waiting a second before rutting into you shallowly. It only took him a few moments before he was moving faster, harder, picking himself up so he could thrust better, harder, and the headboard started to hit the wall. You briefly thought it was ridiculous that they wouldn’t anchor the headboard in the Honeymoon Suite better, but that quickly fell from the forefront of your thoughts. He made you feel so good, your moans and pants mingling. He didn’t last long, having been so worked up from before, but he had you going over the edge just after him. He rolled onto his back, panting, but looking drowsy. 

“Oh God, what do you do to me?” he whispered. He swiped some sweat from his face, but then his arms were winding around you, pulling you close. He shut his eyes, kissing your bare shoulder, “You’re so beautiful, give me fifteen minutes and I’ll be good to go again,” 

“Take your time,” you whispered, “No rush,” It was only ten before he had his face buried between your legs, your hips bucking against him. He was relentless, and the night was still young. 

It was after a few hours, when you were both disgusting and sticky that you climbed in the tub, the hot water feeling heavenly. Rafael held you close, kissing up and down your neck, his hands still feeling anything he could touch. You felt him growing hard again, poking into your back, and you smiled to yourself. “We’re married,” he whispered, obviously ignoring it for the time being, “I’m so happy,” 

“Me too Rafa, me too,” you promised. 

“I’m just so--I can’t even believe it,” he murmured. 

“We were married before,” you said with a laugh, but he shook his head, pressing his lips against the back of your neck, 

“We weren’t married like this,” he whispered, and his hands were running up and down your sides, touching wet, slick skin. 

“Oh,” you said with a laugh, easing yourself up and turning around to straddle him. You tugged on him a few times, getting him rock hard before you slowly sunk down around him. His large hands rested on your thighs, guiding your movements as you rocked over him. He started making the most beautiful sounds, gasps wrung from him, and you kissed his jaw, hands threaded through his hair. He was so responsive, shockingly still standing despite how many times you’d already gone at it. Well he wasn’t quite standing. He breathed softly against you, groaning as you worked your hips harder. “It’s alright, come on, come for me Raf,” He was growing desperate, bucking up to meet you. He groaned low in his throat, primal, like a growl and then he was spilling inside you again, and you held him close as he wound down. He let out a little wet sob, and you just cradled his head against your chest, “You okay?” you whispered, 

“Yes,” he mumbled, sniffling. He was sobbing softly though which contradicted his words. 

“Shhh, it’s okay,” you told him, “It’s alright. I promise,” He was shaking, tears spilling onto your skin. “I’m right here,” His breathing was ragged, but he didn’t seem upset necessarily. You rubbed his back, feeling his muscles ripple beneath your hands. “What’s wrong baby?” you asked softly. 

“Nothing’s wrong,” he finally managed to whisper. 

“What happened?” you asked. He pressed his face against your skin, “You can tell me Rafa,” 

“I just feel--I feel taken apart,” he whispered simply. You knew what he meant. You held him until he calmed down enough to climb out of the bath, 

“Let’s get you laying down,” you suggested, “You seem like you could use some sleep,”

“But-” he started to argue, but you weren’t having it, 

“It can just be a nap sweetheart, but let’s rest for awhile,” you told him. He finally nodded, climbing under the covers with you. You held him close, his head resting on your shoulder. Your fingers raked through his sweaty hair, and he cuddled close. He was asleep in your arms rather quickly and you weren’t far behind. 

………………

When you woke up, it was just getting light out, and you felt relaxed, boneless in the sheets. Sometime during the night Rafael had shifted around to hold you. He hadn’t woken up after he fell asleep and you figured it was a good thing. You carefully reached over, calling room service to order breakfast. Rafael made a little whimpering noise, his arms tightening around you. “Shh, it’s alright,” you murmured. He made a sleepy move to pull you closer. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” you whispered. 

“Mmm Y/N,” he whispered, “What time is it?” 

“It’s nine, go back to sleep for a bit,” you whispered, “I’m gonna call in breakfast,” You stroked his hair again, and he sighed softly, burrowing further into the covers. You ordered food, and they told you it’d be up in about an hour. You snuggled back in his arms, shutting your eyes again.

You were woken up by knocks on the door, so you went out, pulling on a robe as you reached the door. You tipped the bellboy who wheeled the cart in, leaving it by the bed where Rafael was blearily waking up. He still looked drowsy. “Breakfast?” he asked, 

“Yeah baby, breakfast is here. You hungry?” you asked softly, and he nodded. He let you bring him some food, and he started shoveling it down almost immediately. 

“You almost killed me last night,” he whispered with a laugh, and you looked at his face, smiling as you saw him shyly avert his eyes. 

“You were just as guilty counselor,” you replied, and he blushed. 

“I thought I was gonna have a heart attack,” he told you, and you snorted. He finished eating, and then he looked at you, “Wanna take a bath before we get out of here. Still have about an hour before we need to leave for the airport,” he said. You nodded, finishing your breakfast before getting out of bed again. Rafael was still naked. He filled the bath, dropping one of the provided bath bombs in, and crawling in. You dropped your robe, getting in after him and snuggling up under the water. You were so ready for this two week getaway. You both deserved it.

……………………..

Rafael hadn’t shown any anxiety since the wedding until you were on the plane. He didn’t have any Xanax to get him through the panic, but he made do, smiling tensely as you waited for it to take off. Security had been irritating, but you were both glad to be past it and on your way to Paris. Rafael held your hand, listening as you talked to him softly. “What do you want to do first?” you asked. 

“You mean besides breaking in the hotel room?” he teased with a wink. You snorted at him, “What, I’m only a man,” 

“Come on Rafa, be serious for five seconds,” you said. He smiled at that. 

“Um, well I had some ideas,” he started, “Obviously you need to see the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the big stuff, but we could literally spend hours just wandering around. It’s gorgeous,” he said wistfully. He was starting to get excited about your sightseeing and forgetting about worrying over the plane ride. “And I have a list of restaurants that we absolutely have to try. But seriously, tonight I just want to spend time in the room with you,” 

“Raf, Jesus Christ, aren’t you chafed or something?” you asked with a laugh, and he blushed, 

“Maybe a little,” he admitted, 

“We have two weeks Rafael, all to ourselves, and we have forever after that. Just relax. There’s no rush, and I don’t expect anything from you,” you told him, trying to calm him down. You had this odd feeling that he was trying to fulfill his ‘husbandly duties’ or something equally as ridiculous. You needed to assure him, to try and make him stop worrying about everything so much. 

“You’re right,” he sighed, “Maybe we take it a little easier tonight than yesterday,” he said. 

“Yeah, I don’t know if I’m quite ready for that much sex again anyways,” you said, and he laughed, but then the plane was taking off and he was shutting his eyes, hands squeezing so tight his knuckles were turning white. 

“Oh Jesus,” he whispered, and you tried to calm him down, but the take off and the landing was always the worst for him, and this one was turbulent. He was shaking slightly, but then it settled down and he relaxed visibly. You pulled out a notebook, something to try and distract him, 

“How about you start planning what we want to do, and that way we have a list to go off of,” you suggested, and he nodded, taking the pen and taking a deep breath before starting on the task. It was going to be an amazing two weeks with the man you loved. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here's the next chapter. Sorry I missed last night. enjoy your Fourth of July, and I hope you guys like this. Sorry about the minor angsty stuff, but I don't think it's too bad. Kinda necessary for me to get Rafa through this process. He's showing a ton of improvements though, so I don't think you guys will be too disappointed. Let me know what you think! thanks for reading

Hand in hand, walking through those old cobblestone streets, Rafael dressed in tan shorts and a salmon polo and looking absolutely delicious. You almost regretted not letting him talk you into staying in bed all day. His frame had begun to fill out once more, bringing back the man you knew, your Rafael. He wasn’t that skin and bones, shell of himself. He had come so far from that, but you knew he still had much further to go. His arms may have had the bulge of muscle again, but that didn’t stop his hand from shaking any time someone threw him a passing glance. His stomach may be fuller, his ribs not poking out anymore, but he still threw up for hours after a nightmare. His skin may have looked healthier, tanner from actually being outside in the sun, but too often it was stained red from tears. You wished you could fix it for him, make him feel whole again, but he was going to have to make it back there himself. All you could do was provide him support along the way. Like now, he seemed happy, a smile on his face, but there was something off. Something about his eyes that didn’t quite sparkle the way they usually did. He had been reluctant to even get out of bed in the morning, but he seemed better now that you were exploring the streets of Paris together. “Ooh, this place looks good,” he said softly from beside you. It was a little bistro, tucked back in the streets, and he was right. It smelled heavenly even from right out the door, and his stomach had been growling for a good twenty minutes. You let him pull you inside, and you took a seat at a table. He ordered drinks for you both, speaking rapidly in French which you definitely didn’t mind hearing. You knew a little, but you were nowhere near as savvy as Rafael with the language. 

“Rafa,” you said softly, reaching for his hand as he looked over his menu, “Is something wrong?” He sighed softly, glancing out the window for a moment before looking back at you, 

“It’s just…..I can’t stop worrying. I miss Gabriella, and I worry about her,” he finally admitted, and you sighed in relief. That was a relatively minor issue when compared to others. You pulled out your phone, dialing Sonny’s number, and Rafael eyed you warily, wondering what exactly you were doing. As the phone rang, you looked over the menu and pointed out to Rafael what you wanted. He nodded, looking back at his own. 

“Hello?” Sonny’s voice had an edge of exhaustion to it, and you knew it was your daughter’s fault. 

“Hey Sonny, how’s she doing?” you asked softly, and Rafael’s eyes flew to your face, his lips stretching into a grin. 

“Um,” he yawned, “I think she misses you guys. She’s been crying some, but I got her to calm down eventually. Right now we’re getting ready to go for a walk,” 

“Uh, you think you could put her on the phone?” you asked, and he laughed, but soon you heard Gabriella’s babbling through the speaker. Rafael looked restless across from you like he wanted to snatch the phone from your hands, and never let go, but he was patient, shifting around in his seat as you talked to her for a second. You finally passed him the phone, and he immediately brought it to his ear, grinning, 

“Hey princesa, it’s Daddy,” he said softly, and he smiled again, “That’s right, Dada,” Your heart warmed as you watched him talk to her for a few moments, and then he was talking to Sonny, making sure that his list was being followed. He made a face for a second, shaking his head, “No Carisi, if she cries at bedtime, you can’t just leave her there. Yes I’ve heard of that, and I find it completely inhumane. Not with my daughter,” You snorted, and he rolled his eyes at you. He finally hung up, looking much happier after that, “Thank you,” he said softly, and you squeezed his hand, 

“You just have to talk to me Rafael,” you told him softly, but he looked down at the table,

“I just….I didn’t want you to feel like I wasn’t enjoying myself with you. I love you, and I’m having a great time, but I also worry all the time. I worry about her, I worry if I’ll be able to protect her, if she’ll hate me when she’s older--”

“Don’t say things like that Raf,” you said softly, “She won’t hate you,”

“What if I do something awful, what if I’m an awful father,” he said, and you thought you had worked through this already. You thought he was past all that self-destructive thinking, but apparently it was back, “I just have this awful anxiety. I can’t mess this up,” he whispered. 

“You won’t Rafael, I know you won’t. Parenting isn’t easy, but I’d say so far you’re passing with flying colors. She loves you with all her heart, and I know you love her too. You want what’s best for her, and that’s how you’ll make decisions. It’ll be alright,” you promised him. He took a deep breath, nodding, thinking over what you said, and trying desperately to internalize it like always. “No one is perfect,” you said softly, “You don’t have to be,” Any response he was going to come up with was interrupted by the arrival of your drinks. Rafael cleared his throat before ordering the food, and you took a sip of your wine. 

“Thank you,” he said softly, “You always just make everything better,” 

“I do my best,” you whispered, squeezing his hands, “Where are we going after this?” 

“Well uh, I thought maybe we could just walk around for awhile. I have a bit of a surprise for dinner, and then I thought maybe we could try out the hottub back at the hotel,” he said, and you grinned, 

“That sounds fantastic,” you said. You talked for a while, sipping your drinks until the food came out. The food was good, cozy and rustic, and delicious. Rafael was smiling and eating, and you felt so proud of him. A few months ago, he’d been curled up in your room, hiding from the world, not able to spend the night in the same bed as you. He had been struggling with self-harm issues and addiction to xanax, but he made it through all of that and here he was, looking so healthy and miles happier. 

“Is there something on my face?” he asked with a soft laugh, and you shook your head, 

“I just love you is all,” you told him, and he blushed, 

“I love you too,” he whispered. 

“Have I told you how good you look?” you asked, and he shook his head, “You are one gorgeous man Rafael Barba,” He was blushing again, a bit of shyness overtaking him as you spoke, “I’m very glad to have that ring on your finger cause I’d have to fight other people off of you,” he laughed at that, “But really baby, you look like yourself again,” 

“I’m starting to feel like myself again,” he said, smiling a bit sadly, “I forgot what it was like to feel okay. I mean I always had stuff that bothered me, but it wasn’t eating at me as much. It was below the surface,” 

“I knew you could do it,” you said, squeezing his hand again, “I knew you could get back to this. To you,” 

“To us,” he corrected, “I’m nothing without you,” 

“That’s not true Rafa,” you replied, “You did a lot of this by yourself,” He shook his head at you,

“I was never by myself. You were there for me the whole time,” he told you. You were just happy to see him feeling better. You hated that he’d been in so much pain at any point. When you finished eating, you headed out of the restaurant and walked around for awhile, looking at buildings and going into little shops. You were enjoying each other’s company in the most romantic setting. “I love you,” he whispered, holding tight to your hand,

“I love you too Rafael. Always,” you whispered. He beamed at that, and pulled you towards a little bakery where you could get some dessert. When it started to get darker, he got you into a car before blindfolding you. The last time he’d done that was when he proposed. You found yourself feeling a bit nervous, but excited at the same time as you let him lead you around. He kept an arm around your shoulders, guiding you as he walked, and then he leaned in close,

“We’re gonna get on an elevator,” he warned, and you appreciated his thoughtfulness as it would have likely startled you otherwise. As you started to go up, you held tight to his hand, and then he guided you in until you were sitting down. 

“Raf, can I take this off already?” you asked, but his gentle hands were already untying the knot, 

“Okay,” he whispered, “Take a look,” When you opened your eyes, you found yourself looking out over Paris from your table, and your mouth fell open at the breathtaking view. 

“Oh my God, Rafael,” you whispered. You were in the Eiffel Tour, with an amazing view. You knew he had spent a fortune getting these tickets, and you weren’t sure when he had time to plan this surprise, but you were so glad he did. It was gorgeous. 

“You like it cariño?” he whispered, leaning down to press a kiss to your temple, “I was hoping you would. You deserve the world, but I figured this would make you happy,” You laughed softly, holding onto him. 

“Thank you,” you murmured. He took a seat across from you then, passing you a menu, and you enjoyed a fancy meal together with a great view. The whole city was full of lights spanning out over the old architecture in a way that made it seem like a fairy tale. You couldn’t believe that you were there with him on such a perfect night. You’d come so far from the beginning of your relationship, and you were so grateful to have Rafael who managed to make you smile all the time. He didn’t even realize how much he did for you everyday. “You’re amazing. I hope you know that,” you told him softly, and he smiled, 

“I’m so glad we found each other,” he whispered, “I’d be lost otherwise,” 

“Me too Rafa, me too,” you agreed. When you finished eating, you went up to the top, looking out over the lights for a while before you started the slow walk back towards your hotel. It was warm out and you were both relaxed and a little tipsy until you were suddenly in an area with very few people, and Rafael stiffened beside you. He was holding tight to your hand,

“We took a wrong turn,” he whispered, “Stay close to me,” He wrapped an arm around you, picking up the pace of his walking, and you followed. You saw some people moving in the shadows and you could feel him starting to freak out. 

“Stay calm,” you whispered, but he was getting close to hyperventilating. 

“We have to get out of here. I-I’m--we need to get out of here,” he said. You knew he was overreacting to an extent, and he took a deep breath, relaxing when you made it out of there into a more populated area. You rubbed his back a few times,

“You alright?” you asked, and he nodded, regulating his breathing, 

“That was bad,” he murmured, “We have to be more careful,” 

“Okay, it’s alright. We’re alright,” you promised, and he was relaxing visibly, getting ahold of himself. You guided him towards the hotel, and when you got in the room, he sat down. You got him a glass of water that he sipped, and then he looked so much better. 

“I’m okay,” he whispered, “I’m alright. Just uh, give me a second. I’m gonna get my swim trunks,” 

“You sure? We could just stay here if you want,” you offered, wrapping your arms around him, 

“No,” he murmured, “I’m good. Just give me a second,” You nodded, letting him up. He disappeared into the bathroom, and you thought you heard him throwing up, but he wanted privacy so you got into your swimsuit, waiting for him. He came out after a few minutes, swim trunks and a tee shirt on. He had stubble peppering his jaw still which you could appreciate. He was usually so cleanly shaven, “Okay, let’s go,” he said, grabbing two towels. You held his hand and let him lead you down towards the pool. You eased down into the hottub, Rafael following you and wrapping an arm around your waist, “I love you,” he whispered, leaning his head down against your chest. You ran your fingers through his now damp hair. 

“I love you too Rafa. You okay?” you asked, and he shrugged, 

“Not too bad, just a little shaken. I wish that hadn’t freaked me out so much,” he admitted, “I’m good though,” 

“It’s okay sweetie,” you murmured, pressing your lips against the top of his head. He relaxed more under the water, cuddling into your arms, and you wanted to make it better, to fix it. “What do you say in a half hour you and me go back up to the room, we get a shower, and you let me take care of you,” you offered, and he shrugged. He was quiet for a few minutes before he looked up at you, pressing his lips to yours, 

“Could we just--could you just hold me tonight?” he asked, and you nodded. 

“Of course Rafi,” you murmured. You relaxed until you were both tired and you slowly went back up to your room. You took a quiet shower together, barely kissing under the warm spray. You held him close though, and he felt relaxed, better than he had before. You toweled off, climbing into bed in just a tee shirt and panties. Rafael followed, slipping into some boxers before snuggling up in your arms. You turned on the tv, and he watched quietly as you held him. You felt bad when he started to shake, sobbing softly, and you rubbed his back, fingers forking through his thick hair, “Shhh, it’s okay,” 

“I’m sorry. I was feeling better,” he mumbled wetly, and you hushed him, holding him close and trying to comfort him. You wanted him to not feel bad. To understand that he might have these problems.

“You’re not gonna magically be better Raf. It’s a process, and you’re making progress,” you told him, rocking him slightly. He turned his face into your shirt, sniffling and clinging to you, “It’s okay, breathe. Give yourself a break Rafa,” you told hm. 

“I’m tired of this. I was having a good day,” he whispered, “I hate it,” 

“You had a good day. Just breathe now, and try to relax. You’re making yourself more upset,” you told him, and he nodded, counting his breaths and starting to calm down some. He started hiccuping slightly. “Shh, good, you’re doing so well,” 

“Y/N, I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, “You wanted to have a romantic night, and I’m a mess,”

“Hey, shh, no,” you said, “I’m fine. I was trying to relax you. I don’t need anything tonight. You already made it perfect,” You whispered. He was nodding, trying to relax, trying to listen to you, but he was upset, and you wanted to help more. All you could do was hold him close and promise him he’d feel better in the morning. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy stuff and smut. Some minor angsty things but nothing big. As always comments are appreciated. Thanks for reading. I'll answer comments tomorrow morning hopefully from last chapter cause I'm beat

The door to the hotel room was barely open, Rafael pushing you against it, crowding you into the room. He shut it behind him, his body pressing you against the wall, desperate, passionate presses of his lips to yours, hands feeling any skin they could get to, under your shirt, your arms, your back. Your heels clunked to the ground, out of your hand and forgotten. He was breathless, impatient, pulling at clothes roughly, but still gentle in a way only he could be. “You’re wearing too many clothes,” he mumbled against your neck before kissing it. 

“Let’s fix that then,” you whispered back, and he smiled, going back to pulling at your dress. You helped him out a bit, leaning forward and releasing your hold around him so you could get out of the garment. He happily tossed it behind him, touching the newly uncovered skin. His lips were warm, teeth scraping across your neck, tongue soothing over the areas. He deftly unclasped your bra, letting it drop to the ground, and then his hands were in your panties, shoving them down, and you were completely naked. “No fair,” you whispered, “You better take some of that off,” He laughed softly, stripping out of his shirt, and then quickly peeling off his slacks, leaning in for kisses in between. “Bedroom?” you asked, but he just hiked you up in his arms, guiding you to wrap your legs around his waist. 

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?” you whispered, smoothing his hair down, but he just nodded. Your back pressed up against the wall, he eased into you, hands holding under your thighs to support you. He groaned softly, his face pressed against your shoulder as he pushed forward, and then he was in, breathing hard and holding you close as he waited. “Move Rafa,” you whispered, the pleasure building and pooling inside of you as he started to rock in and out, gentle at first, but it got rougher as he went along. You threw your head back against the wall, and then he was sucking a hickey onto your neck, your fingers scratching down his back, leaving red ribbons in their wake. 

“Oh fuck,” he mumbled, his grip on you tightening. You had been out at a candlelit dinner, you dressed to the nines, and he had been handsy all night, staring at you with dark eyes. He had practically dragged you back towards the hotel when you were done eating, and you weren’t complaining. You let out a soft moan as he started to thrust harder, your back rubbing up against the wall, a stark cold compared to your sticky bodies. “Jesus Y/N,” 

“Raf,” you whispered, holding tight to him. He didn’t last much longer, a few fingers throwing you over the edge a few minutes after. He eased you down to your feet after that, his knees shaking. You leaned against him, trying to catch your breath and muster the strength to go collapse into bed. 

“You’re okay?” he whispered, his hand stroking over your sweat-dampened curls. You nodded against his shoulder, and he pulled you close, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “Let’s go to the bed, I need to lay down,” 

“You shouldn’t have done all that work,” you chastised gently, and he shrugged, 

“Was worth it,” he whispered. You both slowly made your way to the bedroom, collapsing down onto the sheets and feeling boneless and exhausted. He pulled you close, holding you tight in his arms. “I love you,” he murmured, and you nodded, 

“Love you too Rafa,” you promised. He was quiet for a bit, and you figured he was napping so he could go again in a while. He often got sleepy after sex, and you didn’t mind. You turned onto your back, gently scratching his and smoothing down his hair. You eased the covers up over him, climbing under yourself, and figuring a little nap wouldn’t hurt you either. 

………………………

Soft lips on your neck, hands trailing across your skin, pulling you from the fog of sleep, “Morning beautiful,” his voice was low and drowsy with sleep. You figured he must have just woken up. You sighed and shifted onto your back so you could pull him in for a real kiss. He smiled at you mischievously before ducking under the covers. You barely had time to process the action before his tongue was dragging across your clit, forcing moans from your lips. 

“Oh my God Rafael,” you groaned, hands going to his hair, “Oh God,” you couldn’t stop the swear words or soft noises that were quickly getting louder the longer he worked. He wasn’t wasting anytime teasing either, and soon you were clutching onto his hair, grinding against his face. He appeared from under the blanket, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, 

“Shower?” he asked, and you sighed. 

“You’re trying to kill me,” you mumbled, and he laughed, but he helped you out of bed and into the bathroom. The water was warm which helped, and he was more interested in kissing than anything serious. After the shower, you ate breakfast and watched some tv together, vegging on the couch before Rafael looked at you, 

“You think we could FaceTime Gabriella?” he asked, and you nodded, sending Sonny a quick text. He smiled at you when you pulled out the computer, setting it up, and soon her little face was peering back at you curiously, “Hey princesa,” Rafael said softly, looking relieved to see her. You smiled too, waving at her, 

“Dada, Dada,” she said softly, and Rafael grinned like a kid in a candy shop. He looked so happy, and you loved what she could do for him with one simple word. He talked to her softly for a bit, and then also to Sonny until Gabriella startled all of you with a new word, “Mama,” you couldn’t help but smile, a warm feeling overtaking you, and Rafael looked to you in wonder, 

“Si, si princesa, that’s right,” he said, looking so happy as he always did when she did anything, “You are so smart mija, such a big girl. Daddy is so proud of you,” you just wanted to hear her say it again. You felt tears pricking your eyes. Sometimes it felt like she liked Rafael better, and you hated not being able to spend as much time with her as he could. You tried to ignore it, tried to just be happy for him, but it was hard sometimes. You were happy for him mostly, but there were times when you wished you could be the one to cuddle her when she wasn’t feeling well or read her the bedtime stories. You couldn’t wait to be home with her again, to be able to spend time with her. “I miss you,” Rafael said softly, 

“Bye babygirl,” you whispered, and then she was gone, and you were both wishing she was with you. 

“Two weeks is a long time,” he murmured, and you nodded, 

“It’s good though Rafael,” you said, and he didn’t argue with that. You only had about a week left. “What do you say we go to the beach today?” you asked, and he nodded, getting himself up and off the couch. It was a two hour train ride to the nearest beach, but the sand was warm, and you felt good laying there with him in the sunlight. He was on his stomach napping, and you were reminded so starkly of Hawaii, when things had been so different. You were the one who was broken then, Rafael your rock in the storm. He of course had his own issues, things you hadn’t known about then. Back when he wasn’t even sure he wanted kids, haunted by what his father had done to him, and worried that he’d do the same. Now he was the most caring, loving father a girl could ask for, and you were so, so proud of him and how far he’d come. 

“No,” his voice broke you from your thoughts, soft mumbles accompanying his restless movements. “No,” he said again, and you put a hand on his shoulder, trying to coax him out of the nightmare, “No don’t do that,” 

“Rafa, you’re okay,” you whispered, but he was tossing and turning and starting to grow more panicked, “Rafael, hey,” you said more firmly, shaking him this time. He woke up at that, breathing a bit heavy, looking confused and upset. “Hey, you’re alright,” you told him, “We’re at the beach, it’s just you and me,” 

“I’m okay,” he whispered, like he was convincing himself, and then he did manage to calm down some, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. “I’m alright.”

……………………….

You walked hand in hand through the huge gardens, looking at the many trees and fountains that adorned the palace. It had been at the top of Rafael’s list of things to see, and you were glad. It was absolutely gorgeous. You felt like you were in heaven as you made your way through the different plants and trees, walking closely beside him and talking softly. “So,” you whispered, “Have you thought about work?” 

“Um…” he paused, “Yeah, I have. I just don’t know,” he admitted, “I don’t want to stay at home forever, but I’m really worried. I don’t know if I can handle it anymore,” 

“You know it’s okay if you don’t want to go back,” you told him, “It’s completely up to you. You can do whatever you need, and I’m going to be there to support you the whole way,” He nodded, smiling at you softly. “What did Huang say about it?” He looked away for a few moments, still looking upset and not like he really wanted to stay on the subject, so the words that came from him after that weren’t surprising in the least, 

“Can we not talk about this right now?” he asked softly, and you nodded. 

“What do you want to do after this?’ you asked, changing the subject to appease him. 

“Well,” he said softly, “I thought maybe we could get something to eat and then go back to the hotel. Put on some music, maybe I’ll light some candles,” He was looking at you hungrily again, and you couldn’t help but shiver. The rest of the tour, all you could think about was what lay in store later, his lips, hands on your skin, the feeling of the soft sheets. You wanted him bad. You stopped at a café for a quick lunch before you were back in the room and Rafael started kissing you, but you could almost immediately tell something was off. He kept going, trying to get into it, but he didn’t seem quite right. You ended up on the bed, your hand around the bulge in his boxers, squeezing and rubbing, but he was only barely half hard, and he wasn’t getting any better even with all the touching and kissing. “Damn it,” he hissed, 

“You alright Raf?” you asked, and he muttered a few things under his breath, 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, “I think I’m just upset,” He rolled onto his back, covering his face. He was blushing and looking upset, “Give me a second, we can try again,” 

“Raf--” you started to say, but he shot you a dirty look, 

“Please don’t say it. I can do this. Just give me a second,” he was pleading with you, so you gave him a few minutes to get himself together. He started touching himself, trying to get hard, but it wasn’t working still. You stroked his shoulder, 

“It’s okay Rafael,” you promised him, “Listen to me, we can try again later. Your body is telling you that now isn’t the time okay,” He stood up, running a shaking hand through his hair. You could see the tears in his eyes, and then he smacked his hand into the wall. “Raf--” you started to say, but he was storming out. He looked angry and humiliated and upset, and you wished that he wasn’t so embarrassed. It wasn’t a big deal, but apparently, it seemed like the end of the world to him. You shot him a text, letting him know you were there when he was ready to talk, that everything was going to be okay, and that you loved him. You put some clothes on and waited for him to come back, but it wasn’t until late that he returned, smelling of whiskey and looking awful. He was crying when he came in, and he plopped down next to you on the couch, curling up in your lap, 

“M’sorry,” he mumbled, “M’sorry I left, and I got drunk and I’m sorry,” You sighed, stroking his hair, 

“It’s okay Raf, shhh, it’s alright,” you whispered, “Can we talk quick, and then you need to get to bed,” He nodded, “What happened earlier?” 

“Just bad memories,” he whispered, “I hate it when I can’t--I wish it would all go away. I love you. I wanted you,” he slurred, “I’m tired of things holding me back,”

“You’re okay now? Nothing hurts?” you asked, trying to just get a read on everything for the night. You would talk to him more extensively when he was sober. 

“M’okay,” he said softly. You sighed, getting him up to his feet and into bed after stripping his clothes off. He curled up under the covers, and he was out rather quickly after mumbling apologies to you a half dozen more times. You sighed, happy to have him back in one piece. 

…………………………….

Rafael woke up with a groan. His head was pounding and his mouth felt incredibly dry. He felt ashamed when he thought about the night before and how much you probably worried when he stormed off. He was just so frustrated though. He wanted you so badly, but he was struggling with flashbacks and memories and he just couldn’t get it up, and it made him so angry. He should be able to have sex when he wanted to, but she had fucked that up for him along with the rest of his life. This was his honeymoon. It was supposed to be happy. He felt awful for stomping off like a child and then drinking until he could barely walk or remember the name of the hotel, and he felt bad for making you worry. He knew you had to have been feeling ill thinking about where he could be or what he was doing not to mention the alcohol with his medicine. “Raf,” your voice startled him slightly, “Don’t beat yourself up over last night. Let’s get you a shower and breakfast,” you said. He nodded, getting out of bed and taking a hot shower. When he came back out, breakfast was waiting for him, and he took a sip and some advil to try and help his head. 

“I’m really sorry,” he said softly, hanging his head, and you smiled sadly at him. 

“It’s alright,” you said, grabbing his hand, “I know you were upset, but I’m not angry. I just want to avoid something like that happening again okay?” 

“Yeah. I should have talked to you, but I was just so frustrated,” he whispered, and you nodded, squeezing his hand. 

“It’s gonna be okay. I promise,” you whispered, and he nodded, looking like he felt so much better. You were glad to see him believing you, taking your words seriously. “Now let’s go do something fun okay?” He nodded again. You had other plans for later to try and help make up for a night gone bad. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, here's the next chapter. Some smut and then Rafael is finally reunited with Gabriella. Enjoy guys, and I'd love comments if you have any

Rafael was out for a run, trying to do what Huang said. He was trying to exercise. Exercise helped control anxiety, helped keep him calm, helped manage the panic. He hadn’t really wanted to though, hadn’t wanted to go outside by himself, had sat up with you in the bed that morning, his head in his hands as he tried to talk himself into going. You had told him he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to, he could wait, he could start after your honeymoon was over, but he was hellbent on not having another incident. You wanted to hold him, to tell him it was alright, and he didn’t need to feel embarrassed about what happened, but he always felt so guilty for getting drunk. You slowly put candles around the room, around the bed, pulling the covers up, straightening the sheets and laying rose petals around. You felt like it was some cheesy romcom or something, but you thought that maybe this would make him feel better. You stripped out of your clothes, leggings, sweater that kept you warm in the air conditioned room, and you looked through your suitcase for the lingerie you packed. It was nothing crazy, nothing too complicated, a simple black set, your favorite lace, and you knew Rafael would like it. Your poured two glasses of wine and settled on the bed, sipping it as you waited for him to return. He’d be sweaty from his run, and you could already feel the desire, the want. Soft music was playing, and you were feeling restless. Thankfully the door opened, and you could hear him breathing hard, “Hey,” he called, “I actually feel pretty good. I thought maybe we could--” he trailed off, stopping at the edge of the bed as he took his shoes off. He swallowed, his eyes trailing up your body. “Oh,” he breathed, 

“Come here baby,” you whispered, and he started pulling his shirt off, letting it drop beside the bed. Next went his shorts, and you sat up, taking his hand and bringing him closer to you, melding your lips together. He made a little noise, a soft laugh before he brought his hand up, threading his fingers through your hair, cupping the side of your face. “You feel warm,” you whispered. He laughed, pulling back slightly, kissing your cheek. 

“Good cause you’re a little chilly,” he said softly, pressing your skin together, feeling the sweat on his skin, his hands feeling you, “You’re so, so breathtaking,” he whispered. He felt like his old self, not shaking so much, his hands sure as they ran over your skin, pulled at your bra, unclasping the back of it, pulling it from you, his hands cupping and squeezing, fingers rolling a nipple, lips on your jaw and then back to your mouth. Soft presses of his tongue, past your lips, hands easing your hips up so he could grind his still clothed erection against you. “How do you do this to me,” he whispered with a soft laugh, “You feel so good,” 

“Stop teasing Rafa, get on with it,” you gasped, “Please,” 

“You want me?” he whispered, and you nodded, “You want my cock?” his voice was playful, but low, “Say it,” You smiled, loving that he was feeling more confident, more himself, 

“I want your cock Raf, please,” you begged, for his benefit, happy to oblige. He smiled, his knuckles grazing your cheek, his eyes staring into yours. He chuckled to himself for just a second before pressing his face against your neck once more, lips trailing down the skin, kissing, sucking, nipping, his tongue licking over your nipple, sucking, flicking until you were desperately pulling at his hair, back arching just slightly, “Oh Rafa, please,” 

“I’m right here, not going anywhere,” he whispered, “Would you uh, would you suck me,” he asked, breathlessly. He stroked your arm, and you nodded, sitting up and sinking down to your knees beside the bed. 

“Here, scoot forward,” you murmured, so he did, moving to edge of the bed, and you mouthed at him through his boxers, easing them down, licking at the head, making him groan. He fell back, so he was laying down, legs hanging over the side. You sucked him in, hand rubbing circles on his hip as you worked. He gasped loudly, looking flushed. 

“Shit,” he mumbled, “Oh shit,” He started thrusting his hips forward, hand tangling in your hair, “Oh god, you feel so good,” He let it go on for a few more minutes before he pushed you off. “On the bed,” he said, his voice gravelly. You caught your breath, flopping onto your back and letting him gently arrange you on the bed. He was desperate now, ripping the panties in his haste to get at skin, “Sorry,” he mumbled, mouthing at your neck, “I’ll buy you new ones,” he got out of his boxers, jerking himself before pressing into you. He groaned against your skin, his hands braced on the bed, pushing in, hips jerking, slightly. His thrusts were shallow, spreading the wetness around, getting you used to him before he started really picking up the pace. You could barely breathe, lips falling open, gasps and moans filling the room. 

“Harder Raf,” you breathed, and he grunted softly, shifting his weight so he could move better. You locked your legs around his waist, dragging him in harder and deeper, and he was breathing harshly. 

“Ah fuck, I’m not gonna last much longer,” he whispered. You nodded, hands scrambling to grasp onto something as he hit your sweet spot. Your nails dragged down his back, coming away with blood, but he barely even noticed. He abruptly slowed down and you made a frustrated noise which he laughed at. “Shh, I’m just gonna take care of you quick,” He whispered, hand trailing down to rub across your clit. He was just slowly rutting into you now, his thumb moving faster and faster, making you moan and cling to him, and then suddenly he was picking up his speed again, throwing you over the edge just as he tensed up and pulsed inside you. He collapsed into your arms, and you rubbed a hand over his hot, sweaty back. “That’s one way for me to get exercise,” He whispered after a few seconds of silence, and you laughed. 

“I hope you know how much I love you,” you said, stroking his hair, and he nodded against your neck,

“I think I’m starting to see it,” he whispered, and that made you so happy. You wanted him to be happy; to feel loved and taken care of and everything he thought he’d never have. 

“I’m here for you. I love you,” you promised. He curled up against you, sighing contentedly. 

“You’ve gotten me through all of this shit, and I’m always gonna be grateful to you for that,” he whispered, “I really think I would’ve hung myself or something without you, but now I feel alright. I’m back on my feet. I’m getting there,” You held him tight, hating that he ever felt like that at all. You ran your fingers through his hair, 

“I’m so sorry that all of this stuff happened to you,” you whispered, “I wish everyday that I could have stopped it. I shouldn’t have...I shouldn’t have left you alone at that hospital,” 

“Oh Y/N, that’s not your fault sweetheart,” he said softly, “You were at home with Gabriella,” You wanted to believe him that he didn’t blame you, but you had been feeling so guilty all along. “I promise, it really wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t be there all day, everyday. I think she would have found a time, found a way,” You breathed, tears making your throat sting, and he wrapped his arms around you, “Shh, don’t feel guilty. I know it’s hard, and it’s hard for me too everyday. I love you though. The past is the past, and we can’t change it,” he said. You wiped at your eyes, clinging to him, pressing your face against his shoulder, 

“What the hell would I do without you,” you whispered. 

“What would we do without each other,” he corrected, and you sighed, pushing him a little so he’d roll to the side. You rested your head on his chest, clinging to him and he rubbed his hand over your back, “You and I, we’re gonna be alright,” he whispered. 

“Yeah Raf,” you replied, “We’re gonna be fine,” 

……………………….

Rafael was sitting in his seat, eyes squeezed shut, hands clenched on the armrests, breathing so harshly. He looked awful, but he was working on calming himself down. He was working on being alright. The turbulence wasn’t helping at all, but he wasn’t completely losing it, and you had your hand on his arm, stroking up and down, “It’s alright Raf, we’re almost done,” 

“I-I know. I’m alright,” he said softly. When the plane hit the tarmac, jerking in the process, he let out a small, distressed noise, but then he was okay, and the plane was slowing down, with it his breathing and his heart rate, and then he was alright. He spent a few moments doing deep breathing, and as the plane pulled into the terminal, he was relaxing and calming down almost entirely. “I’m okay,” he said, and you smiled. “I’ll get the bags,” You got up, moving out of his way and letting him pull down your suitcases. He wheeled them out, you following behind. He was rushing, moving really fast, and you laughed softly. He was anxious to get home and see Gabriella.

“Rafael, slow down. You’re gonna hurt yourself,” you said softly, and he blushed but slowed up. 

“Sorry. I just can’t wait to see her,” he said, and you smiled, grabbing for his hand. He was breathing a bit heavy though, and he slowed down as you went forward. He was anxious in the cab, leg bouncing, hand tapping against his thigh. “You think Sonny’s been following my schedule?” he asked, and you nodded, “She’s gonna be so happy to see me,” You smiled at that, squeezing his hand, 

“I’m sure she’s missed you plenty Rafa,” you told him. He smiled softly. “She loves you more than anything,” 

“I don’t know where I’d be without her, without you,” he said softly. He was looking wistfully out the cab window, “I’ll never forget when she was born. I was so scared, scared to lose you, scared about being a father, traumatized, but when I held her for the first time, I just somehow knew everything was going to be alright. She just was there and that was enough,” You were glad he had that, glad he had heard to help him get through because he had needed anyone he could get. You weren’t enough, Liv wasn’t enough, Noah wasn’t even enough or Gabriella; he needed all of you, each and every one. When the cab stopped in front of Sonny’s place, Rafael was grinning and rushing to fork over some cash. He was in such a hurry, he forgot the bags, so you grabbed them, following him. He knocked on Sonny’s door a few times before he started to freak out, but you got him to relax, and sure enough Sonny answered the door a moment later, looking harried, but smiling, 

“Come on in, I uh, we’re playing in the living room,” he said softly, running a hand through his messy hair. Rafael practically shoved past him to get in, and you followed, shaking your head,

“You had an okay time with her?” you asked, and he nodded, 

“Yeah, we had fun. It was a little rough at first, but she warmed up to me fast,” he replied, “I hope you two had a nice time,” 

“Oh it was amazing,” you whispered. You followed him into the living room where Rafael was kneeling on the floor. 

“Hey, no, no don’t cry,” he whispered, trying to soothe Gabriella who was sobbing, “No, hey it’s me princesa, it’s Daddy,” It wasn’t helping. She was distressed, and he was growing more and more upset. “It’s Daddy,” the last part was a plea. You sighed, kneeling beside him, hand rubbing up and down his arm, 

“Rafael, breathe, it’s okay. She hasn’t seen us in about two weeks. Just give her a second,” you said gently, “Here, try and pick her up. Hold her,” You reached for him, and she freaked out even more for a few moments before she chilled out, realizing who she was with, recognizing him, and calming down. “See, it’s alright,” You brushed a tear from his cheek as he cradled her close, pressing his lips to the top of her head, 

“It’s just me,” he whispered, rubbing her back, “It’s just me,” 

“You’re okay,” you promised him, and he nodded, breathing softly and calming down when she let him bring her close, “You’re alright,” 

“I’m alright,” he mumbled, “I’m good,” He was relaxing as he sat there, playing with her and holding her tight. “I missed you,” he whispered, kissing her forehead, “I missed you so much. Let’s go home,” He was up to his feet, his list forgotten, the bags forgotten. All he wanted to do was hold her and never let go. You sighed, grabbing everything and trailing after him once more. You didn’t even get to say hello. 

…………………..

You were barely in the door when it happened. “Unca Sonny,” Gabriella said, and Rafael froze. You wanted to groan. He wasn’t going to take this well. He surprised you though, nodding, 

“That’s right baby, that was Uncle Sonny,” he said softly. He seemed stiff, carrying her around, but he was restless. You quietly put things away while he preoccupied himself with her, and when you peeked in on them, he was on the floor with her, “Da-da, come on Gabriella, I know you can do it,” 

“Rafael,” you said softly, “Go lay down. You’re stressing yourself out,” 

“I just want to hear her say it again. It makes me happy,” he said, and you knelt down beside him, 

“Look babe, if you put her under all that pressure, she’s not gonna want to do it. You need to go lay down, to relax. You haven’t slept since one this morning. I’ll take care of this,” you told him softly. He looked like he wanted to argue, but he really was exhausted. You got him up, and he went to take a shower and lay down. You picked Gabriella up after that, holding her close. She had a block clutched in her little hand, shaking it and clinging to you. “Hey honey,” you whispered, taking her to her room. You rocked her, enjoying the chance to have her in your arms. 

“Mama,” she whispered, and you grinned, smoothing her hair down and looking at the miracle you and Rafael had created together. She was yours. She smiled at you, and you smiled back, 

“Did you have a good time with Uncle Sonny?” you asked, and she giggled, 

“Unca Sonny,” she said, and you nodded, 

“That’s right baby, Uncle Sonny,” you said gently. She babbled a bit, and then you whispered to her, “You know, it would make someone very happy if you could say Dada again,” you said, hoping she would understand, but knowing she didn’t. “He really loves you, and it’s a lot of responsibility for a little kid, but you’ve really saved him. You’ll always be what saved him,” You stood up with her, “Let’s go tell him goodnight, huh?” You carried her to the bedroom where he was just crawling into bed, his hair still wet from the shower. “Someone needs a kiss goodnight from her Daddy,” you said softly, and he smiled, sitting up and taking her into his arms. He held her, kissing her forehead, 

“Sorry about earlier,” he whispered, “I guess Daddy is just a little tired huh. It’s okay though, I love you, and I promise I’ll read to you tomorrow night,” he said. “I promise.” 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little sad, Raf has a bit of a relapse, but it's just another step on his journey towards healing. I'm actually hoping to write another chapter tonight, but no promises. Let me know what you think!

Your first clue should have been the nightmare. He woke up in the middle of the night screaming, and you just sat there, half asleep and shocked as he stumbled off towards the bathroom. By the time you were awake enough to think about following him, the door was locked and he wasn’t coming out. You knocked softly, “Rafa, hey, it’s just me. Will you let me in?” 

“Just go Y/N,” his tearful voice hurt your heart. 

“I’m gonna be right here until you want to let me in, or you want to come out,” you said softly, sitting beside the closed bathroom door. You could hear his muffled crying from inside the bathroom, 

“Y/N, you have work tomorrow,” His hoarse voice sounded awful, but there he was trying to make sure you didn’t feel terrible the next morning. 

“Raf, I’m staying right here,” you said, ignoring his protests. There was some shuffling inside the room before the door opened and he was staring at you with bloodshot eyes. You pulled him close, rubbing his back until he let go and sobbed. He stayed in your arms, shaking with tears until he finally composed himself. You just held him close, and then he looked up at you, 

“Sorry I woke you up,” he whispered, “I just--it was just a bad dream,” 

“Do you wanted to talk about it?” you asked softly, knowing the answer would probably be no, but you would keep trying. You wanted to draw it out of him, to be there for him. He needed an outlet, and you wanted to be that if he’d let you. He shook his head, getting up and wiping at his face. He leaned down and pressed his lips to yours, 

“Thank you,” he whispered, “I think I’m gonna just go for a walk. Maybe pick up some diapers or something,” You nodded, squeezing his hand and going back to the bedroom. You watched from the door as he wandered around for a second, trying hard to collect himself when he thought you weren’t watching. He got his jacket from the closet, but he stopped, closing the door and sinking down to the floor, letting his head drop into his hands. 

The second thing that should have told you something was up was when he left his dinner untouched. It didn’t phase you mostly because you were really busy reading emails and trying to research some case law. You had gotten home to a messy house, but you didn’t mind when you saw Rafael in the living room with Gabriella. They were on the floor, playing with her blocks as usual, but he didn’t quite seem himself. You didn’t have time to worry about it much though because you had been immediately distracted by a phone call from the detectives. Rafael looked broken down, his shoulders slumped, and he was quietly stacking the blocks. You watched for a few moments while he tried for a smile for Gabriella, but he didn’t look so good. “Y/N? Hey, are you there?” 

“Yes, yes, Sonny. Sorry. What were you saying?” you said, turning around and going into the kitchen. He hadn’t made dinner which was unusual. You pulled out some ingredients, smooshing the phone between your ear and your shoulder as you spoke to Carisi. Sonny was giving you important details for the case, but you were interrupted when Rafael poked into the kitchen for some fish crackers for Gabriella. He didn’t even look at you. Usually he’d pop a few into his mouth, and then he’d give her a few, but he just took a little handful. 

“And Davis hit Fin,” Sonny’s voice pulled you back again. 

“Wait, wait, what?! He assaulted a cop. Go pick him up then, tomorrow. We have something to hold him on then,” you told him. Finally, right as you were finishing the pasta, Sonny hung up, and you made two plates, taking one to Rafael in the living room. “Hey,” you said softly, taking a seat beside him on the floor. He was sitting still, his legs tucked under him, criss cross applesauce. 

“Hey,” he mumbled, sighing and keeping his eyes on the floor, 

“You alright?” you asked gently, reaching out to squeeze his bicep. He shrugged. “I made dinner, pasta,” you held out a plate towards him, and he took it, taking a bite. He didn’t look well though, “Raf, do you want to talk?” He opened his mouth for a second like he was gonna say something, but then your phone started ringing. You sighed, answering and taking your plate back to the study. The call required you to pull out books and do some research, and by the time you’d finished, it was late. Rafael was apparently in bed already, and you found his still full plate on the counter by the sink. You answered a few emails, cleaning up before getting in the shower. It only hit you as you were crawling in bed beside him. That had been his full plate. He didn’t eat anything. 

You meant to ask him about it in the morning, but your alarm didn’t go off and you only got up when he shook you awake. You didn’t even think about why he might have been awake at all, why he was able to get you up on time. You didn’t realize he wasn’t sleeping. You rushed to work, having a rough day, and by the time you got home, he was napping on the couch with Gabriella. He didn’t tell you anything was wrong. You only realized because of the message left on your phone from George. You felt your stomach doing flips as you opened the message. What could he want? 

‘Hey Y/N, it’s George Huang. I’m a little concerned about Rafael. He didn’t show up for his therapy appointment today, and he didn’t call or return any of my calls. I just wanted to make sure he’s alright. Call me back,’ You gulped as you pulled the phone away. He had skipped his therapy appointment. You were really concerned now, and you were thinking of everything, all the little signs that should have told you something was very wrong, but you were so distracted you didn’t even notice. You sat down beside him on the bed, hand on his shoulder, 

“Hey, Raf,” you said softly, “Rafa, wake up,” He groaned softly, shifting around. You shook him again. He opened his eyes, peeking at you, blinking a few times. He looked distressed for a moment, scared, but then he recognized you, and he started to calm down. “Hey,” you said softly as he blinked. 

“Hi,” he said softly. He wasn’t even smiling though. Usually when he first woke up, there would be a dopey smile gracing his gorgeous features, his inhibitions down. Rafael would be vulnerable. 

“We need to talk,” you said, and he shrugged, sighing and then sitting up. “Hey, can you look at me?” you asked softly. He looked up at you, his eyes shining with tears, “Can you tell me what’s going on?” He stared at the blanket, shrugging softly again. “George said you didn’t go to your therapy appointment,” you said, rubbing your hand up and down his bicep. He let out a shuddering breath, sniffling just slightly before he swallowed and looked at you. 

“It’s getting bad again,” he whispered, and you frowned, 

“Raf, what’s getting bad again?” you asked, reaching for his hands. He pulled away slightly, his shoulders hunched. He looked so closed off. 

“I’m getting depressed again,” he admitted finally, and you felt your heart break just a little bit. “I--I thought I was through it, but I guess not,” 

“Alright, it’s okay. Come here,” you said softly. He scooted closer, leaning into your arms, “I’m here for you, and if it’s alright with you, I’m gonna call George and reschedule for tomorrow if he’s got some room. You think you could talk to him about this for me?” you asked, and he nodded. 

“I’m just scared. I’m scared this will never go away,” he whispered. 

“It’ll get better. I have to believe that,” you replied. 

………………………..

“I’m sorry I didn’t show up yesterday,” Rafael said softly, his head hung as he sat in George’s office. He was feeling overwhelmed and upset. The dark place that he had been in not that long ago consuming him once more. 

“It’s alright Rafael. I’m not upset with you,” he replied, “You want to tell me what happened?” 

“I just….I’m having a really hard time,” he admitted, rubbing his face tiredly, “I’m sinking back into depression, and I was doing so much better. I felt great while I was gone. Now I can barely get out of bed,” He felt so tired, physically and emotionally drained. He just felt completely exhausted, a bone deep tiredness. 

“We talked about this,” Huang said softly, and when he looked up, confusion gracing his features, he said it again: “You and I talked about this Rafael,” 

“We did?” he asked. He could barely think straight anymore. The sadness was overwhelming him, 

“Do you remember when we talked about ups and downs?” George asked. Rafael shrugged. “I told you that it might seem better for a time, but you might struggle again. You shouldn’t be discouraged because the times between the down will get longer. You’ll feel better for longer and longer,” Rafael leaned his face down into his hands, 

“I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I can fight like this anymore,” he said softly, “I don’t know if I can fight myself,” 

“I hear you,” George said softly, “How about we do some breathing right now, deep breathing and then we’ll talk some more,” Rafael nodded, counting as he slowly did his exercises. They did relax him some, making him feel better and better, but there was just this heaviness, this deep, crushing sadness inside him. “Can you talk to Y/N about this? Can you tell her how you’re feeling. Maybe you should just take it easy for a couple days, try to relax. Then I want you to get back into your schedule. You need to give yourself things to do,” 

“Okay, yes, I can do that,” he whispered, relieved to actually feel like it was possible. 

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?” he asked. Rafael sighed, his eyes glancing to the floor before he looked back up at George,

“Um, I’ve been having some really awful nightmares,” he admitted, “I just….it’s mostly about what happened in that hospital room. A few about my Dad. I thought I put those behind me,” 

“You want to tell me about some of those?” he asked, and Rafael nodded softly. He needed to get it off his chest. He couldn’t hold it inside anymore. He couldn’t tell you, or talk to you about it. He knew you’d listen, but he didn’t want you having to think of him like that. He wished you didn’t know any of it. 

“Um,” he whispered, “Uh, I remember her shoving those pills in my hand. I trusted her to be my nurse, to help me get better, but she took advantage of me. I’m scared to be vulnerable,” George was quiet, waiting for him to talk, “Then I felt to fuzzy, so dizzy and I knew someone was touching me. I thought it was a dream at first. I keep dreaming about that, about waking up and seeing her there. My joggers were all bunched up on my thighs, the elastic digging into my skin, into my legs. I was weak, and she just kept touching me. It was so bad, and she did it just right, so that I couldn’t stop my body from reacting. My hips were moving, and I couldn’t stop it,” Rafael went silent then, breathing hard and wiping at a few stray tears, “It hurts to think about,” 

“You want to know something?” George said softly, and Rafael looked up at him shyly, brushing some hair from his eyes, “I can hear you talking better I can hear you thinking about things better. You are recognizing that it wasn’t your fault. You’re improving Rafael. This is better,” Rafael felt something surging through him, something warm that made him feel okay, made him feel like maybe everything might turn out alright. 

“Um….I had another thing I wanted to talk to you about,” he whispered. He had to take a deep, shuddering breath. He had been noticing you looking so tired, seeming on edge, but no matter how broken he was, you were still there for him. You were still taking care of him, and he wasn’t doing anything. “It’s me and Y/N,” he whispered. George nodded, waiting for him to continue. “I’m not doing anything. I just feel terrible. She’s….she’s doing everything,” he whispered, “At home, in our relationship. I’m trying, I really am, but this week I couldn’t even make dinner, and she’s working full time. She’s doing this all alone,” 

“You don’t feel like you’re doing anything?” he asked, and Rafael shook his head, “How about you tell me what you do while Y/N is at work everyday?” 

“I take care of Gabriella,” he whispered, and George nodded, 

“And excluding this week, what else do you usually do?” George asked. 

“I make dinner, I clean the house, I do the laundry,” he admitted. 

“Is that nothing to you Rafael?” he asked. Rafael shrugged, “I’m serious,” 

“No….but I--It’s nothing in comparison to what she does every day George. She goes to work, and I get to stay home with our daughter. She works hard all day, and then when she comes home, I’m falling apart, so she holds me and she makes sure I eat and she does the rest of her work and she feeds the dog cause I always forget. If I wake up in the middle of the night because of nightmares, she sits outside of the bathroom until I’ll come out and go back to bed. She has to get up the next day for work. I do stupid shit, I ran off when we were in Paris cause I couldn’t get it up. I left her there all alone, and I got drunk, but instead of getting mad, she just held me and put me to bed. I’m fucking this up. This is the best thing in my life. I can’t lose her,” He was breathing hard by the time he finished talking. He hung his head, “That’s what I dreamed the other night. I dreamed that she left me,” 

“Does Y/N seem unhappy to you?” George asked. Rafael shook his head, 

“I think it hurts her to watch me like this. I think--I think she’s tired, but she doesn’t seem unhappy,” Rafael replied. 

“Have you talked to her about your fears?” he asked, and Rafael shook his head. “This sounds fear driven Rafael. You’re scared,” 

“Yes I’m scared. Y/N is keeping me afloat. She makes everything worth it,” he admitted. 

“Well, maybe you could try talking to her about it,” Huang suggested, “Or you could try to adjust your behavior. Do something that would make you feel better, make you feel like you’re taking care of her and contributing,” 

“Okay, alright. That’s a good idea,” he whispered, gulping. He stared down at his hands, nervous. “That’s a good idea.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here's the next chapter. A little bit of a sickfic chapter and then some drama at the end. uh oh. lol. Let me know what you think!

Rafael was being strange since his therapy appointment. It wasn’t a strange that had you worried he might do something rash or anything, but he was being different. He was hovering when you were working, asking you if you ate, asking if you wanted help with anything. You told him to go lay down. You wanted him to relax, to try and feel better, but he was hovering around you. You felt so tired. Your head hurt, and you wanted to lay down, but you didn’t have time to dwell. You needed to finish your work day. You had cases to worry about, witnesses to prep, and research to do. You had so much to do. Your throat was starting to feel a bit scratchy, and your nose felt a bit blocked, but you couldn’t focus on that. There was always another victim, always another rapist, and always another reason why you needed to keep going. By the time you got home, you were barely awake. Your head was throbbing, and you were sniffling almost constantly. You walked in the house, collapsing down onto the couch, covering your face with a bent arm, and you were grateful for the few moments of peace, of silence, but then you heard footsteps and you felt his presence. You knew he was there. “Hey,” his voice was soft, “I uh, I cleaned the house. The laundry is done. Do you--do you want a bath?” he asked. You didn’t respond. “I-I could do something….um are you okay?” 

“Not really,” you whispered. He sat down beside you on the couch, his hand on your leg. 

“Hey,” now his voice sounded better. He sounded like himself. Like his old self, “What’s wrong?” You opened your eyes, trying to stave off the dizziness. You felt nauseous. “I’m here for you,” 

“I just feel awful,” you whispered, your voice hoarse, “I’ve been feeling awful all day,” 

“I’ll make you a cup of tea,” he said, “Are you cold?” You nodded, shivering softly, and he covered you with a blanket and handing you a pillow. He brought you some herbal tea and sat with you on the couch while you lay there. You started zoning out while you lay there, your head feeling fuzzy. His cold hand on your forehead brought you back to reality. “You feel warm,” he whispered, “I drew you a bath sweetheart, come on,” He helped you up, guiding you back towards the bathroom and helping you out of your clothes. You sunk down in the water, and he sat on the edge of the tub, smoothing wet hair from your face, “You should stay home tomorrow, you look awful,” 

“Thanks,” you mumbled, your voice sounding thick. He laughed softly,

“That’s not what I meant,” he said, “I’m here for you,” he kept saying that, and you wanted to know what he meant. You wanted to know why he was being so insistent. You felt dazed, confused, and when you got out of the bath, Rafael wrapped you up in a fluffy towel, drying you off. He helped you into fluffy pajamas, guiding you toward the bedroom, getting you tucked in. You felt like fire was flowing under your skin, and it felt too tight for your body. You couldn’t breathe well, your nose congested, and your throat stung with every swallow. “I made soup,” his voice was soft, and he sat beside you on the bed, “I’m sorry you’re feeling like shit,” You started eating your soup, but you weren’t hungry at all. 

“Thank you,” you whispered. He brushed the hair from your sweaty forehead again, trying to take care of you, to help you feel better. 

“Um...I’m feeling better than before,” he whispered, and that wasn’t something that you entirely believed. He still looked off. He was behaving differently. “I’m gonna go to the store, and Gabriella and I are gonna get you some sprite. Do you want anything else?” 

“Uh,” you whispered, sniffling again, “Um, tissues, maybe some applesauce or something like that,” 

“Alright. I’ll get you stuff, and I’m going to take care of you okay,” he promised, hand threading through your locks. You pressed your cheek against his hand, feeling absolutely awful. You felt so sick, your head aching, stomach rolling. “I’ll be right back,” he promised, “Right back,” 

“I’ll be okay,” you mumbled, turning onto your side so you could shut your eyes. You felt freezing, sweat glistening across your forehead, but at the same time there was this heated feeling below your skin, like you were burning up. You blissfully slipped into a half aware daze, your mind floating, unable to grasp onto any legitimate thoughts. You were just hurting, your whole body aching as you laid there. You felt like you were going to throw up all over the place. 

“Hey,” his voice was soft, his hand on your shoulder, “I’m back cariño,” he rubbed his hand up and down your shoulder, “Can you sit up for me and take some of this medicine?” You groaned, shutting your eyes to block out the light. You finally did sit up with his help, making a face at the red syrupy liquid that he had. He chuckled softly, “You’ll be fine,” 

“No Rafi, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna die,” you mumbled miserably, making him laugh once more. 

“Don’t be a drama queen, drink this,” he said gently, rubbing your back and pressing the cup into your hand. You threw back your head, swallowing the medicine. “Alright, here’s some sprite, and then I’m gonna get you some more soup,” 

“No more soup,” you sniffled. He crawled into bed beside you, pulling your head into his lap. 

“I’m right here,” he promised, “Right here for you,” 

“You might want to move if you don’t want me to throw up all over you,” you said, but he didn’t go anywhere, 

“I’m gonna stay right here,” he insisted, and you snuggled into him. It was relaxing to lay with him like that, to let him make you feel better, but then you really were feeling nauseous. “Hey, you alright? You look green,” 

“Get me a trash can,” you mumbled, clutching your stomach. He nodded, reaching for the one that wasn’t far from your bed. You grabbed it, bringing it close and spilling your guts into it. “Oh my God,” you whispered, “I feel like I’m gonna die Rafa,” 

“Just breathe, you’ll be okay. You’re just sick, really sick, but you’ll be alright. Do you think you could sleep?” he asked. You shrugged, curling up on your side. He wrapped you up in a blanket, “I’m just gonna hold you,” You nodded, letting your eyes droop shut, feeling so tired. You drifted off, holding his hand and feeling so, so tired. 

………………………………..

The room felt stifling, like you were stuck in hot, molten lava, burning your skin off. More like hot lava under your skin, making you feel like you were burning up inside. Your eyes opened just slightly, shoving those big arms off of you. Rafael was so warm like always, and it wasn’t helping your current situation. He was passed out beside you, but as soon as you dragged yourself from the bed, he was up, following you. You rushed to the bathroom, feeling so sick to your stomach. Rafael followed, a big hand on your back as you clutched the toilet and threw up. He rubbed your back and held your hair, soothing you. “Fuck Rafi, I feel so sick,” you whispered, but he just kept rubbing little circles over your shirt, 

“You’re alright. I promise,” he whispered by your ear. “I’ll get you some water. It’s gonna be okay,” You felt tears in your eyes. You just felt so bad. You felt like you were going to be sick again, so you leaned your face against the tiles. Your flushed skin started to feel better. “I’m right here,” Somehow his voice made you feel so much better. “Drink this honey,” he whispered. You let him hand you the cool water, sipping at it until the nausea started to recede. “Do you want another bath? You look feverish,” You almost said no, but you nodded in the end, so he started the water. He added some of your favorite bubble bath, and then he was gently lifting your shirt over your head, the fabric sticking from the sweat. 

“Rafi,” you whined, feeling pathetic. 

“Don’t worry. I’m gonna get in with you,” he promised, helping you out of the rest of your clothes. He lifted you up gently, arm under your legs and your shoulders. He placed you in the bath water, stripping out of his own clothes and slipping in behind you. You rested your head against his chest, feeling so, so awful. He ran his fingers through your hair, holding you close, trying to comfort you. “There is no way you are going to work tomorrow,” 

“I have so much to do though,” you mumbled, but he wasn’t having the argument, 

“You wouldn’t even be able to think enough to do it tomorrow,” he said softly, and you knew he was right, but you really did have so, so many things to get done. You didn’t have time to be sick. “I will seriously call you in sick myself. You’re staying home,” 

“Let’s not talk about this right now,” you mumbled, turning to lean your cheek against his chest. He held you close, his hand rubbing over your skin. He kissed the side of your neck, hand running over your wet locks. 

“That feel okay mi vida?” he asked, arms wrapped around your midsection. 

“I feel better here with you,” you whispered, and you could feel him smile. He was happy that he could make you feel better. 

………………………….

The next time you woke up, you were tucked into bed, all by yourself. Rafael was nowhere to be found. You just laid there, your face pressed against the cool sheets. They were blue. It took you a few moments to realize they weren’t the sheets that were on your bed last night. He had to have changed them in the middle of the night. You turned over, pressing your face into the pillow. He was trying so hard for you, taking such good care of you even though he had so much of his own shit going on. Your thoughts were interrupted by his gentle voice, “Hey,” he whispered, “I brought you breakfast sweetheart,” he set a mug of tea on the table beside you, and he sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his hand over your back. He set a plate on the bed beside you, and you turned over, laying there. You didn’t feel strong enough to sit up. Your head was spinning. “I already called your work,” 

“Thank you Rafael,” you whispered. He eased you up to sit again, and he handed you the plate. You took a few bites of the toast he made, fighting with the bile that was rising in your throat. 

“What else can I get for you?” he asked softly, and you shrugged. “Anything? I really want to help you,” 

“I’m okay Rafael. For now. I’ll let you know,” you told him, and he nodded, leaving you for a little bit so you could eat. You assumed he was probably taking care of Gabriella. You just sat there, picking at the food. You felt cold and small, shaking softly. Rafael came back after about a half hour, wrapping an arm around you, holding Gabriella in his other arm. “Hey, don’t do that. She’s gonna get sick Rafa,” 

“Okay, okay. I just thought you might want to see her,” he told you, and you couldn’t help but reach for her. You did want to see her, selfishly. He passed her over, and you held her close, hand smoothing over his soft, dark hair. She looked like Rafael no matter what he wanted to say. Maybe it was the hair or the big green eyes, but she looked like him, and that made you happy. She snuggled into your arms like she always did with Rafael, and that made your heart feel warm. You loved her. You loved her so much, and you felt like she had saved the both of you. She had saved Rafael who was so broken he couldn’t breathe half the time. She had given you both hope after what happened with your first baby. Your relationship had almost broken then, but then you both decided you needed to try again, and Gabriella had come along and it had fixed everything. It helped you to forget the heartbreak or at least numb it some. She was cuddling up to you, sleepily and it made you feel better almost magically. “She’s special,” he whispered, “Somehow she’s just so special,” 

“I know Rafa,” you whispered. He looked down at the sheets for a second before turning his gaze to you, 

“Um…” he took a breath, “How are you?” he finally asked, and you looked at him strangely. 

“What do you mean by that?” you asked, 

“I mean how are you?” he repeated, “Are you alright? How are we?” You sighed, unsure of how you felt. 

“I feel…I guess I feel overwhelmed sometimes. It’s okay usually, but some days I just don’t know what to do. Everything feels like too much for one person. I work through it though,” you whispered. He squeezed your shoulder, 

“Please talk to me about these things? I don’t want to hurt you. I want to be here for you,” he said, and you hung your head. 

“I think you and I need to find time for each other Rafael. I think we need to get each other through. I am here for you,” you said softly, and he nodded. 

“Date night. We need a date night. You and me and nobody else, and we can get someone to watch Gabriella. Nothing can interrupt date night,” he suggested, and you looked at him, 

“Date night sounds good Rafa,” he looked so proud to have suggested that, and you were just happy to see him smiling. Things felt okay.

………………………….

It took you a couple of days to get back to full speed, but the virus or whatever it was finally mostly passed and you were back at it with the promise of a date night every two weeks on Wednesday night. You and Rafael and no one else, and you really thought that was going to be great for your relationship. You would have time to spend with each other, to talk, to be together, and you both needed that. You needed each other. You were headed to court, in your office, packing stuff up when your phone buzzed. Your lock screen showed a message from Rafael, but you didn’t have time to look at it. You were running a bit late. You rushed out of the building and when you got into the courtroom, you had to give your opening statement. You felt a little nauseous still, but you pushed through. Your phone was buzzing beside your briefcase, but you turned it off. You didn’t need the judge yelling at you over it. Finally, court adjourned late, and you could get out of the courtroom and answer your phone. Text messages:  _ Y/N, Gabriella is sick. She’s coughing. The doctor said about pneumonia and infections. I’m really scared. I think I’m gonna take her to the hospital. Y/N, please answer your phone.  _ Missed calls from him, and now you were feeling panicked. You dialed his number, but it went to voicemail. You felt your stomach drop, and you rushed out the door to try and get to a taxi. You felt panicked, your stomach doing flips. You dialed his number again. Voicemail. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here's the next chapter. I know you're all anxious to hear what's going on with Gabriella, so here it is. Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading :)

You rushed into the ER, trying desperately to find him. He wasn’t answering his phone. You got to the front desk, and you were frantic, snapping your fingers in front of the secretary who was on the phone. She rolled her eyes, but she looked at you, “Can I help you?” she asked. 

“My husband and my daughter are here somewhere,” you said, “Rafael and Gabriella Barba. I really need to find them,” She held up a finger, typing for a few moments before she nodded at you. 

“They’re down the hall, let me get someone to take you,” she said softly. You waited there, shaking, tapping your foot until a blond, young man came toward you, guiding you toward some beds. You could barely breathe as you took each step, but then you saw him. You saw Rafael sitting in a chair, his head clutched in his hands. You took a seat beside him, “Rafi, what--what’s going on?” you asked, feeling absolutely terrified. He looked up at you, looking relieved that you were there, 

“She was coughing, and--and she wouldn’t stop, and she was crying. She wouldn’t eat. I was so scared, so, so terrified to lose her. I couldn’t. The doctors said that when she was born, we needed to be careful about her getting sick. She was premature, and I--I rushed here. She’s in with the doctor. He wanted to look at her alone quick,” he whispered, sniffling, “But it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay. She has to be alright or I’m gonna die,” 

“Okay, alright Raf,” you said, sitting down and sighing. You felt like you were going to be sick, “You did good, bringing her here. We’re just gonna wait now,” you said, grabbing for his hand. He held yours, 

“It’ll be alright,” he whispered, “It has to be alright,” You held tight to his hand, trying to keep him calm. He didn’t need to freak out about this. He actually seemed fairly alright though. He was obviously upset and nervous, but he wasn’t flying off the handle. He was dealing with it as it came. “I wish I could be in there with her,” he whispered, and you nodded. As if on cue, the door opened, 

“Mr. Barba,” A young man said, “You can come in now,” Rafael stood, and you followed, entering the little room. Gabriella looked exhausted, lethargic, the area around her eyes dark like she was tired. She was coughing, and you felt your heart ache. Rafael immediately took her into his arms, holding her close, and she just leaned her little head on his shoulder. “Hi, you must be Mrs. Barba, I’m Dr. Karev. I want to get Gabriella a chest x-ray, and we’re gonna draw some blood if that’s okay. With her being born premature, I want to be cautious and make sure everything is alright,” Rafael squeezed her closer, rubbing her back when she started to fuss. 

“It’s okay baby,” he promised, “Everything will be alright. Daddy promises,” He wiped at his eyes for a second, “How’s her fever?” he asked. 

“It’s at 101 which concerns me. I believe she has pneumonia and if that’s the case, we’re gonna keep her here tonight at least, IV fluids and antibiotics, and I’m hoping she’ll be better in the next two weeks,” Dr. Karev said. 

“When she was born….” Rafael trailed off, staring at the ceiling for a second, “Um, when she was born, they told us if she got pneumonia then it could be fatal,” 

“She’s much bigger now Mr. Barba, and she’s very healthy. The chances of it becoming complicated are low. It is likely that she will improve very soon,” Dr. Karev said gently. Rafael looked so relieved, and you felt relieved. You had been so scared, both of you, scared to lose the little girl that saved your lives. “If you would like, you are free to sit with her while we do the blood work. During the x-ray, one of you can be in the room to try and help keep her calm. I’m going to get the paperwork, and leave you two a few moments to talk,” When you were alone, you sat beside him, 

“Uh, which do you want?” he asked softly, still cradling her little body against him. She looked so sleepy, slumped against his chest. 

“I’ll hold her for the bloodwork if that’s okay,” you said softly, and he nodded. When the doctor came back in, Rafael started filling out the paperwork, and you held her on your lap, arms around her, and the nurse held her arm still. She leaned back against you, so different from when she’d usually sit up straight. She started to cry when they pressed the needle in, “Hey, shh, it’s okay baby,” you whispered, rubbing her leg, rocking her just slightly once they got it in, “Almost over sweetheart, it’s almost over,” Rafael took her then, following them down to the x-ray room. You settled in to wait for them.

…………………………………..

As Rafael carried her little body in his arms, he felt terrified. He was scared that she wouldn’t be okay even despite what the doctor told him. He had woken up to her crying, and while that was unusual as of lately, he hadn’t really thought anything of it. They spent their morning laying around, playing with toys, the tv on in the background, but she wasn’t herself. She seemed tired, laying on the floor, barely picking her head up, and he began to worry. He tried to get her to eat lunch, but she wouldn’t take the bottle and she threw and spit the baby food back at him. Then she’d thrown up all over him, and she felt so warm. That was when he started to panic. The coughing had been the last straw, what made him decide to take her to the hospital. She had been out in the cab, just slumped in his arms, and he had been texting you, begging you to answer. By the time he got to the hospital, he’d been in tears, freaking out, but he calmed himself down, knowing he needed to take care of his daughter no matter what it took. He called Liv while he was sitting in the waiting room, and she had answered his questions and talked him through some of it. She had plenty of practice with having a sick kid, and he only now realized how tough that probably was for her. When she had offered to come to the hospital, he had turned her down, feeling like it was something that he needed to do himself. It was something that he needed to do for her. He sat there, he filled out papers, he waited for the doctor and he held her. He didn’t let himself fall apart because he couldn’t. He needed to take care of her. “Mr. Barba, you need to get in this,” one of the tech’s interrupted his thoughts. He nodded, setting Gabriella down on the examination table. She just laid there and he felt his heart clench up. Seeing her so sick, so exhausted made him sad. He ached seeing her in pain. They got him in a lead apron, and made him stand back while they took a few of the shots. She barely moved at all. Finally they were done, and he was allowed to carry her back out. He held her so close, rocking her and trying to comfort her. 

You were waiting for him not far away, and then you were all waiting, waiting for the results of the test. It wasn’t too long though for Dr. Karev to return and take you to a room. Rafael sat with Gabriella at first, cuddling her in the chair, and she was getting close to falling asleep, her head lulling, eyes drooping. The nurses got her hooked up to oxygen, and got an IV started. Rafael almost started crying when they stuck her, but he held himself together. “Mr. Barba, we should get her laying down so she can sleep,” the nurse said softly. Rafael nodded, reluctantly setting her in the little crib. She curled up, passing out almost immediately, and then it was just you and Rafael in there all alone. 

“Are you okay?” you asked softly, and he nodded, but he was shaking slightly. You didn’t blame him. You felt shaky yourself. You pulled him into a hug, pressing your face against his shirt, “This is my fault,” you whispered, but he immediately shook his head, 

“Don’t say that Y/N, it’s not your fault. She got pneumonia. You had a cold,” he insisted, “And that was my fault anyways. You didn’t even want her in the room,” He held you close, rubbing your back, kissing the top of your head, “You’re scared, I’m scared, but she’s okay. Dr. Karev said she’s gonna be okay,” 

“Are you alright here?” you asked, and he shrugged. 

“I feel nauseous, my stomach is turning, but I’m alright,” he whispered, “I’m okay. I’ll survive for her,” 

“What are we gonna do tonight? I can stay. You don’t have to,” you suggested. He shook his head, 

“No, no, you have court tomorrow Y/N, you need to go home and sleep. I’ll be alright here,” he argued. You stroked his arm, 

“Are you sure? You don’t have to,” you said softly, “It doesn’t make you a bad father,” 

“I promise. I’ll be alright,” he insisted, squeezing your hands. 

“Okay, text me with any updates. I’m gonna stay here for a couple hours, and then I’ll go home, but tomorrow night I’ll stay here if she needs to be here again,” you promised. He nodded, 

“You sure you won’t miss all my texts?” he asked after a second in a teasing tone, and you laughed. You appreciated the humor from him. 

“I was in court you asshole,” you replied, laughing some more. 

“Now, I’m gonna go in the hall and talk to the nurse about how they’ll be taking care of her,” he told you. You nodded, sitting down beside the crib and stroking her back. She was out cold. She was shivering, laying in the crib, and you felt your heart drop. You stood up, going into the hallway to try and get her a blanket, catching the tail end of Rafael’s conversation, “If you mess up my daughter’s treatment, or if anything happens to her, I will sue you and this hospital for everything you have. I am a Manhattan District Attorney,” he said lowly. You had to cover your mouth to keep from laughing, “And so is my wife. I’ll have you brought up on charges so fast it’ll make your head spin,” 

“I understand your point Mr. Barba,” the young man said softly. 

“Good, for your sake, I hope so,” he growled. As he was walking away, you got the young man’s attention, 

“Oh good lord, your husband just gave me the spiel. I’ve got it,” he said, sighing exasperatedly. 

“Actually I was just wondering if we could get some sort of blanket for my daughter. She seems cold,” you said softly, and he nodded. He came back with a little sleep sack, and you helped him get her changed into it. You spent most of the rest of your evening with Rafael who was sitting beside her bed. He started to read to her after a while, and you watched, happy to see him taking this well. He was very worried, you could see it in his eyes, but he was keeping himself calm. 

“Um,” he softly said, still sitting in the little chair, “Could you bring me some clothes or something, maybe Jesús and her binkie,” 

“Yeah, of course,” you said, leaning down to kiss him, “I love you. I’ll be back soon with stuff,” 

“Love you too Y/N,” he replied. You left, getting a cab home and packing him a bag with his things, deodorant, toothbrush, some snacks, pajama pants and a tee shirt, shorts and a polo for tomorrow. He looked tired when you go back, but he was singing softly to Gabriella who was awake and fussing. You knelt beside the bed, handing her the teddy bear. She took it holding it close and started to calm down a little bit. Rafael smiled, taking the other things from you. 

“I love you,” you said softly, and he held you close. You wrapped your arms around him, breathing into his shirt, telling yourself that everything was going to be okay. 

“It’s alright,” he whispered, “We’re alright,” 

“We’re fine,” you said back, finally feeling yourself relax since right after you got out of court. He felt tense, but he was starting to relax against you. When you looked back over, Gabriella was out again, a little lump on the bed. Her hair was messy, a little bluish tint to her lips, but the doctor told you that should go away soon with the supplemental oxygen to help her breathe better. 

“I know this is scary,” he whispered, “I know you’re scared, and I am terrified. I’ve never been so scared in my life, but she’s getting better. She looks a little less pale already,” 

“You think?” you asked softly, and he nodded,

“I think she’ll be feeling much better tomorrow,” he said. You sighed, kissing him goodnight, 

“I’m one call away Rafi, one call if you need me. If you’re scared, if you need anything, you just call me,” you said, and he nodded, 

“I know,” he mumbled, leaning in to kiss you again. You shut your eyes for a moment before you finally broke apart. You leaned down by her crib, pressing a kiss to her warm forehead. She still felt so hot. 

“Goodnight baby,” you whispered, “Mommy loves you. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Rafael smiled, following you to the door. He was leaning against the frame as you walked down the hallway, waving at you. You smiled to yourself, and on the way home, you felt better. You had just been so terrified, but Rafael helped to fix that for you. As you got a shower, you began to notice your nausea from earlier returning. You had shaken the rest of the illness, but you still felt sick to your stomach. As you climbed out, getting dressed, it got overwhelming, and you ended up on the floor, puking again. You spit a few times, trying to get the awful taste out of your mouth. You brushed your teeth, hearing your phone buzz. You picked it up, seeing a picture of Rafael smiling, Gabriella asleep still in the crib.  _ Goodnight, we both love you  _ with a few emojis. You smiled, climbing into bed, Brady jumping up beside you. He nuzzled up against your leg, snuggling against you. You were worried about the stomach bug you apparently had. The last time you had been throwing up this bad had been….no. You couldn’t be pregnant again. Could you? You had been using your birth control recently as neither you or Rafael were really ready for another child. You weren’t planning on it at all. Rafael was going to freak out if you were. You hoped maybe seeing how good he was with Gabriella would curb his reaction at least slightly, but you weren’t sure how emotionally ready he was for another baby so soon, not after Jordan and how long it actually took you to get pregnant the first time. You weren’t on hormones this time, and you knew you’d have to go get looked at soon to ensure you didn’t lose another child. That would absolutely destroy both of you. You sighed, trying to reign in your wandering mind. You were simply having some nausea and vomiting. That didn’t mean you were definitely pregnant, and you shouldn’t have been thinking so worst case scenario. You and Rafael would figure it out in the morning. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little shorter than I wanted. I'm gonna answer any unanswered comments in the morning. I think it's time for me to go to sleep for sure. I get a little paranoid late at night lol. Hope you guys enjoy!

You were fast asleep, alone in your warm bed with just Brady to keep you company when your phone started to ring. You groaned, rolling over, head feeling foggy. You grabbed for it, groaning as you flopped onto your back, “Hello?” you asked softly. 

“Hey,” his voice was soft, quiet enough that you didn’t think anything was wrong with Gabriella. There was an edge of something there though. He sounded very upset. 

“Are you alright Rafael?” you asked, and he was quiet for a moment. 

“Not really,” he finally admitted. He sounded okay, but not great. “Um,” he whispered, his voice shaking, “I-I’m feeling a little paranoid. It’s dark in here, and it’s so stupid, but I just feel like my chest is getting tight,” 

“I now it’s hard Rafa,” you whispered, “You’re alright though. You’re okay,” 

“I know that, I do. I just feel--I feel panicked. I’m trying to stay calm,” he said. You felt for him, you really did, but you knew he could do this, and it’d be good for him to work through his trauma. “I’ve been doing breathing exercises for a bit. I can’t sleep,” 

“Just try to close your eyes, pretend I’m there with you. You’re good,” you told him. He was quiet for a second, 

“Sorry for calling you,” he whispered. 

“Don’t apologize. It’s all good Raf,” you replied.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” he finally said, “I love you,”

“Love you too babe,” you promised, hanging up. You laid down again then, shutting your eyes, trying to go back to sleep. You were so tired, and you had a long day ahead. You were feeling worried though, about him, about if you might be pregnant. You had a lot on your mind not even mentioning Gabriella. 

……………………………………….

Work was long, dry, and annoying, and you were preoccupied all day thinking about everything. You wanted to be with your daughter. Sonny and Liv dropped by to ask you how she was doing about half way through the day, and you smiled and told them that she had pneumonia, and the doctor’s said Gabriella was going to be fine. You wished you could just leave, but you were stuck, first in court and then in the office doing paperwork. Around four, you gave up. You could barely think straight. You sucked out of the office early, leaving Jerome with instructions to forward your calls to your cell phone. You grabbed a shower first, not wanting to have to leave the hospital for any reason. You packed a bag and picked up dinner on the way there, and then you were going into her room, and Rafael was passed out in the chair beside her bed. She was asleep too, but you were just happy to be there, to see them both. You were grateful to be in the same room as your daughter. You set the food down, taking a seat in the other chair and watching as Gabriella slept soundly. She was on her back, the oxygen hissing as it was flowing through the cannula into nose. She looked pale and sicky still, but her lips weren’t blue anymore. She looked better at least. “Hey,” his voice startled you, but when you looked over, he was opening his eyes and yawning. 

“Morning sleeping beauty,” you whispered, and he laughed, standing up and coming over so he could lean down for a kiss. “I brought you dinner baby,” you said. He dug through the bag and found his dinner, taking a few bites as he sat down,

“That’s so good,” he moaned, “I haven’t eaten like anything today,” 

“Rafael, why not?” you asked, hoping he wasn’t feeling awful again. 

“Because hospital food is disgusting,” he replied, and you laughed, glad that it was something other than his depression. You were glad he was just being picky. You knew he hated hospital food. He barely ate after he’d been shot, and you knew part of that was the trauma, but there was part of it that just was him being choosy about what he’d eat. 

“I knew you’d want something good for dinner,” you said with a smile. You put a hand on the side of her crib, looking in at Gabriella and wishing you could hold her forever, “How’s she been doing today?” you asked. 

“She’s still coughing and wheezing a lot,” he said, “Dr. Karev liked that her skin color is normalizing though. She’s been sleeping most of the day,” 

“I wish I could make her feel better,” you said softly, shaking your head, “She looks so tired,”

“Yeah she really took a hard hit this time. I wish I could protect her from this,” he said. 

“I know,” you said softly, “It kills me that she’s hurting so much, but I’m glad she’ll be okay,” You sat back down, feeling restless, “How were you last night?” you asked. He shrugged. You didn’t like the look on his face, “I’m sorry it was rough,”

“It’s okay, I’ll get over it,” he said, running a hand through his hair. He looked tired though, “I was just scared. It wasn’t really that bad. I think a goodnight’s sleep tonight will help a lot,” 

“I think you’re right Rafael,” you said. He smiled at that, but then he looked at you strangely. 

“Are you alright? Why aren’t you eating?” he asked. You sighed. You would have to tell him eventually. You felt sick all day, throwing up once that morning, and still then your stomach was rolling. You didn’t want to worry him unnecessarily, but he had to right to know what you were worried about. 

“Um, we need to talk quick,” you said, and he looked worried. He scooted closer, 

“What’s going on?” he asked, and you shook your head, trying to keep yourself together. 

“I’ve been throwing up. A lot,” you said, and he looked at you curiously for a moment before realization dawned on him, 

“You don’t think you’re….” he trailed off. 

“I don’t know Rafael,” you replied, “I could get a test,” He looked so worried, his eyes blown wide. 

“We’re not ready for more kids yet,” he said softly, “I don’t know if I--If we….”

“I know Rafa, I know. I’m scared too. I’m not ready either. We’ll see what happens though. It’ll be alright,” you finally replied, and he nodded. He reached for your hand, 

“It’ll be okay,” he said, and that meant more to you than anything. Him reassuring you was exactly what you needed to hear. You let him pull you into a hug, rubbing your back softly, and you clung to him. He was solid, strong, and there to help you. He was there to take care of you, and you needed that just like he needed you. Together, you were doing so well, helping each other to get through. “Everything will be fine,” he promised, “You, me, Gabriella, and if you’re pregnant, that will be fine too,” 

“Thank you Rafael,” you whispered, so grateful to have him. 

When Rafael went home, you were glad he’d be getting some sleep, and you felt better about everything. You curled up on the chair, reading some of the law book you brought to help with prep before decided to call it a night. You were tired, but you couldn’t help but watch Gabriella sleep. She seemed so peaceful until one am when she started to fuss. You lifted her out carefully, holding her close and rocking her. She quieted down in your arms, just leaning against you and coughing. You felt bad for her, so you settled in the chair, holding her close, rubbing her back until she started to fall asleep again. She was so heavy in your arms, limp against you, too weak to hold herself up. You held her so close, just glad to be able to comfort her in a time like this. She finally fell back asleep, and for her sack, you put her back in the crib. You were too worried to really sleep, worried about her, Rafael, your pregnancy scare. You wanted to take a test now. You would have to tomorrow. 

…………………………………

You were at work, feeling sick, stressed, and upset, alone in your office. You sat there, trying to calm down and focus so you could get some work done, but you just felt so nauseous, and you wanted to figure this whole thing out. You were planning on picking up a test after work and taking it at home later. You could go tell Rafael right after. You shut your eyes, leaning back in the chair and breathing. You felt so exhausted, sleeping poorly on the hospital chair last night. Rafael seemed to have gotten good sleep though which relieved you. A knock startled you into opening your eyes, “Hey,” his voice was soft, kind, and just what you needed. “I brought you something,” He held out a bouquet of flowers, and you took them, a smile spreading across your face. You smelled them, feeling so grateful for him, 

“Thank you Rafael,” you whispered, “I really needed this today,” 

“You look stressed. Sit down,” he said, and when you did take a seat, he started to massage your shoulders gently, big hands working on your muscles. He rubbed little circles, gently, making you feel good, relieving the tension. “Just breathe, relax. I’ve got you,” You nodded, letting your head fall back slightly as you breathed deeply, and it felt so good to get some of the stress out. His fingers danced over your jacket, rubbing and pressing in where there were knots. By the time he let go, you were feeling looser than ever, and much more relaxed. “Don’t you worry. Everything will be okay,” he told you, “Gabriella might be able to come home tomorrow. Dr. Karev just wants to make sure she tolerates being off the oxygen tonight. You nodded, feeling encouraged about that. You hoped she would be able to sleep in her own bed, so things could get back to normal, and you could try and get yourself calm again. Rafael seemed to be handling things well thankfully. Better than you expected at least. “Did you eat breakfast?” he asked softly, and you shook your head. He glared sternly, “How about lunch?” 

“Yeah I had some salad and a ginger ale,” you replied. Rafael nodded, 

“And how about water? Are you drinking?” you nodded, and he smiled this time, “Good, that’s good. I’m glad. I have a therapy appointment in a bit, so I have to run, but call me later okay?” 

“Sure, of course,” you replied, watching as he left. 

……………………………………

“Y/N thinks she might be pregnant again,” his voice was soft, but he was barely even in the door. It was bothering him, scaring him, but he needed to talk about it. He needed Huang to talk him through it because otherwise he might freak out. Huang looked at him for a second, his eyes wide with surprise at Rafael’s outburst. 

“How does that make you feel?” he asked softly after a second, regaining his bearings. 

“Scared, unprepared. We’re not ready for more kids yet. Gabriella is still so small, and she’s sick, and I don’t think we could do it,” he admitted, “I’m not ready,” 

“If you had to, do you think you could do it?” Huang asked softly, and Rafael stopped to think about it for a few minutes. He did think you could make it work if you really had to, but he wasn’t really in a great spot emotionally yet. He was still very shaky, and your relationship, while it was doing well, he still felt some tension somewhere. He wanted to take care of you more, and he thought that would help a lot. He hated watching you stress out, and he was trying his best to be there for you.

“I think we could if we had to,” he finally replied, “We just aren’t prepared,” 

“When are you ever really prepared for life Rafael?” George asked softly. Rafael sighed. George had a point. Life seemed to be throwing every bad thing his way recently. He had to have pissed off some omnipresent being or something because he was getting attacked on all sides. Everything just seemed to want to go wrong. He needed something to be okay for once,

“I know that, but I want more time with just Gabriella. I want time to be her dad. I’ve already missed so much,” he whispered, feeling like an awful parent. He wanted to be better than his own father, present, loving, kind, patient, gently. He wanted her to love him, to see how much he loved her and wanted to take care of her. He would do anything he could to make sure she knew. He never wanted her to feel scared of him, scared to tell him something. He wanted her to know he was there for her, to protect her more than anything, and no matter how bad things got, she could always come to him. That wasn’t a luxury he was afforded as a child, feeling terrified every single day, walking on eggshells in his own home, surviving the beatings, the rape. He survived the abuse. He was trying to move past it now in order to take care of her. If he had more people though, he wasn’t sure if he could be present. He wanted them to know he loved them equally. They needed to know they were all the light of his life. He wanted to be able to love you, Gabriella, and another child and still feel okay. 

“You still have years ahead of you Rafael, don’t worry so much. She’s not even one,” George soothed, but Rafael was getting worked up, 

“I missed the first few weeks of her life. I couldn’t really hold her or love her the way I wanted, but now I’m finally starting to get the hang of it. I want to keep being able to take care of her like this. I want to spend all day with her, and I want to give her attention,” he said, and George wrote a few things down. 

“You think you’d be okay if the test comes out positive?” Huang asked, and Rafael nodded. He’d be nervous, but also happy and he’d work through the rest. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love any comments you have. Thanks for reading!

You walked through the store, your heart hammering through your chest as you made your way back to one of the pharmacy aisles. You grabbed two tests from the shelf, hurrying to the front to pay. You were so nervous, running a shaking hand through your hair as you set down enough cash for the tests and escaped. You walked the two blocks back to the house where Rafael was waiting for you. He had asked Liv to stay with Gabriella for a couple hours at the hospital while the two of you figured this out together. You went inside, and Rafael was nervously pacing around, waiting for you. He looked to you, eyes wide, obviously nervous as you headed towards the bathroom. “Y/N, wait,” he said softly, and you stopped at the door, hoping he wouldn’t scare you out of taking the test. 

“Are you okay Rafa?” you asked softly, and he didn’t answer right away. 

“I’m alright,” he finally whispered, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you against his chest, “I’m just….I’m nervous,” he admitted, “You and me will figure this out though. I promise,” You clung to him, feeling better in his arms, with him. You needed him right now. You were scared too. Could you handle another kid? You had thought the second time around would be easier, and you had wanted to eventually have another kid, but not so soon. Gabriella wasn’t even one yet. You would have liked to wait at least another year. “Are you okay?” 

“No,” you whispered, starting to cry. Rafael rubbed your back, rocking you slightly, “I want to wait longer,” 

“I know. Me too,” he murmured, kissing the top of your head. He was quiet for a few moments, “If you don’t want this, if you are pregnant, I will support whatever you want whether that means adoption, abortion, or keeping it. It’s your body,” 

“Thank you Rafael,” you mumbled. Knowing you had him to be there for you no matter what choices you made was comforting. It made you feel better to know you had options. He walked you into the bathroom, opening up the box and handing you a test. He sat on the edge of the tub, sitting with you as you did it. After that, he held you as you sat on the floor together, silently, just being there for each other. You needed him right now, and he was rising to the challenge. He was just holding you close, rubbing your back. 

“I look for you,” he offered, and you nodded, letting him get up to his feet. He inspected both of the tests for a couple minutes, before looking at you. The slight shake of his head sent relief flooding through your body. There was nothing to worry about any more. You were fine. Rafael helped you up to your feet, dropping both of the tests in the garbage can. “Let’s get a bath,” he suggested, “We still have a couple hours til Liv said she needed to be home. You nodded. He turned on the water, starting to fill the tub, adding some bubble bath that you liked. He eased you out of your shirt, unbuttoning it and sliding if off your shoulders. His fingers were quick and effective, ridding you of the rest of your clothes and stripping out of his own. He climbed down into the warm water first, beckoning you forward to slide in with him. You leaned your head against his chest, trying to relax and come down from all the stress you’d been under before. As you sat in that tub with him, you felt a lot of the tension seep out of your muscles. He felt solid behind you, broad, muscled like he hadn’t been in forever. Your Rafael was back. 

………………………………..

You felt tired, finally finished with a long day at the office. You left, waving goodbye to Jerome on your way out. The cab ride was long, making you feel even more tired. When they dropped you at the hospital though, you perked up, happy to see Gabriella and Rafael. You wanted to see them. You were ready for a cozy night at home. A night where things would start to calm down. You made your way into Gabriella’s room, and Rafael was getting her strapped into her carseat. “Hey,” you said softly, surprised that he was already almost ready to leave. 

“Hey. Dr. Karev cleared her,” he replied, “I just have to get her stuff together,” You grabbed the teddy bear from the crib, and you packed up all of his things, helping him to put it over his shoulder. He picked up the carseat, carrying as you left, and you had all the odds and ends in your hands. Rafael carefully got her settled in the cab before sliding in and you got in beside him. When you were home, Rafael took her to the bathroom for a bath. She was still really sleepy, passed out in his arms as he carried her. You cleaned things up, putting them back where they belonged before going to check on them. Rafael was seated beside the tub, gently rubbing shampoo into her hair and then using a little cup to wash it out. She was tiredly sitting there, barely staying upright, but he had a protective hand on her back, ensuring she wouldn’t fall. 

“What do you want for dinner Rafa?” you asked softly, and he sighed from his position on the floor. He looked tired too. He didn’t answer for a second, looking focused on taking care of Gabriella. 

“Uh, Italian,” he finally said, starting to drain the tub. He was careful to dry her off including her hair, and wrapping her up in a little hooded towel. When you were calling in dinner, you saw them cuddling on the couch, Gabriella all snuggled up with Rafael, and you couldn’t help but smile. He was taking such good care of her, and you loved how much he’d grown in such a short period of time. You sat on the floor beside them, watching tv and running your fingers through Gabriella’s hair. Rafael smiled at you. “She’s looking better,”” 

“Yeah?” you asked, and he nodded. 

“She was up for awhile this afternoon, not too fussy or anything,” he said, “She’s till just so tired though,” 

“Yeah, she looks exhausted,” you replied, “I’m just so glad she’s gonna be okay. I was so scared,” 

“Me too,” he whispered, “It killed me that I was so helpless. I couldn’t do anything to protect her. I need her,” 

“I know Rafael. It’s terrifying,” you said softly, brushing a few damp locks off her forehead, “Everything about having a kid is terrifying,” 

“If I worry about it too much, it makes it so much worse. I just worry about her knowing I love her right now. That’s what I want the most,” he admitted. You smiled at that. He was taking a good approach to it, not letting himself get overwhelmed by all the possibilities like he had before. He was just worrying about what was important. “We’ll figure it out as we go. I just want to give her everything in the world,” 

“You’re amazing with her,” you told him, and he blushed, “I’m serious Raf, you’re her favorite,” 

“That’s nonsense,” he replied, “I’m with her all day, but when you come home, she perks up. She loves you too,” 

“I know she does,” you whispered, 

“I have to admit though, if I go back to work, I don’t know what we’ll do. I don’t want to just let anyone take care of her,” he whispered. You knew what he was saying, and you did agree. You understood how scary it was to entrust someone else with you daughter. 

“We’ll find a good daycare, or maybe we could get Lucy to watch her,” you suggested. 

“I don’t want to hijack Liv’s babysitter,” he said softly, shifting to pick Gabriella up as she started to cry. You let him rock her, going to answer the door and pay for your food. Rafael was swaying with her in his arms when you came back with his food. He jerked his head sideways, so you put his food on the coffee table. He was rubbing her back and bouncing her, pressing her binkie into her mouth and trying to comfort her. She was sobbing, obviously tired and not feeling well. “It’s okay mija, I’m right here. I’ve got you,” he whispered. 

“Here,” you offered after a bit, holding out your arms. He transferred her to you, and you brought her close to you, getting her teddy bear and going back to her rocking chair. She calmed down, her head pressed against your chest, and soon she was starting to get drowsy again. Once she was asleep, you carefully got her into something warm and put her down for a nap. Rafael was eating when you came back out, 

“See,” he said softly, leaning over for a kiss when you took a seat beside him on the couch. 

…………………………………….

When you woke up in the middle of the night, alone in bed, you wondered where the hell Rafael had gotten off to. You sat up, also wanting a glass of water, crawling out from under the comforter and going to find him. First you got a drink from the kitchen, crossing off the living room from possible places he could be hiding. When you went into Gabriella’s room, you saw him, asleep on the floor beside her crib. You laughed softly, kneeling down beside him, shaking his shoulder just slightly. You wanted to get him into bed so his back wasn’t messed up later. He blinked, “Hm?” he asked. 

“Rafa, what are you doing in here? Come back to bed,” you whispered. He blinked a few times, sitting up slowly, hand going to his lower back, 

“I just want to make sure she’s alright,” he whispered, “It’s her first night out of the hospital,” So he was watching her, watching to ensure she was still breathing. 

“Come on back to bed,” you said again, “It’ll be alright. She’ll be fine,” He sighed, standing up and limping back toward the bedroom. “Lay down. You jacked your back up again,” you said softly. He grumbled for a second, but he laid on his stomach over the comforter. You gently massaged his back, trying to make him feel better. He sighed contentedly, his eyes closed. He was only wearing boxer briefs, much more comfortable in his own skin now that he had gained the weight back. 

“Oh Y/N, that’s good,” he whispered, “Thank you,” You dug your thumbs in a little harder, trying to get him fully relaxed, 

“No problem baby. I love you,” you murmured, and he groaned softly, pushing into the pressure. Once you were finished, you climbed in bed beside him, snuggling into his chest, and he kissed the top of your head, 

“I love you too Y/N,” he said softly, his arms wrapping around you. 

………………………………………

You were getting run down from your work days. It was exhausting to be in court all day, doing all the paperwork, and by the time you got home, all you wanted was a big glass of wine and sleep. Lately, you hadn’t been eating much, just feeling stressed and overwhelmed by a particularly hard case. You were spending almost all your free time preparing for court, reading up on case law, going over files for hours, and taking notes. Rafael seemed worried. He was checking in on you every couple hours when he wasn’t taking care of Gabriella. He was being very careful with her. She was pretty much all the way better, but he had been wary about taking her out of the house, and he’d been babying her. He let her sleep longer even though you yelled at him for it. 

You sighed, closing your notebook into your briefcase. You were ready to go home, and it was late. You got everything together, getting up and heading out of the building, letting Jerome know he could head home. You almost fell asleep in the elevator on the way up to your apartment. When you made it to the apartment door, you struggled to get the key in the lock and open the door. The apartment was dark, and you frowned, going inside, worrying about if Rafael was having a bad day. If he was hiding under blankets on the couch or in your bedroom, the telltale sign he was scared after a nightmare or feeling particularly overwhelmed and depressed. Instead, you were shocked to see him kneeling down and lighting candles that lead to the table. “Oh, hey, you’re a bit early,” he said softly when he finally saw you. You were just surprised, so you barely even reacted when he crowded you, wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing you before taking your coat and the briefcase. “I made dinner,” 

“I see that,” you whispered, “You didn’t have to,” 

“I wanted to,” he promised. He led you over to the table, pulling the chair out for you. “You look tired,” he whispered, pouring you a glass of a wine. You sipped at it, 

“I am. I just have so much going on at work,” you said, and he put a comforting hand on your shoulder. 

“I love you, and I thought you might enjoy a nice steak. I made them myself,” he whispered, starting to put food on your plate. Steak, mashed potatoes, vegetables. 

“Mmm,” you whispered. He didn’t always cook for you, but when he did, you were rarely disappointed. You took a bite, the juicy savory flavor making you moan slightly. “This is the first thing I’ve eaten all day,” you whispered. He looked up at you, his face tightening with what you assumed was worry. 

“I’m glad it tastes good,” he finally whispered. 

“Thank you for this,” you said softly, taking another bite as he sat down, starting to eat his own dinner. You enjoyed your food, talking softly, and then you settled on the couch together, you sipping some more wine while Rafael just held you. You had lost most of your clothes at that point, only in a tee shirt and some panties. Rafael was relaxing in sweatpants. He was looking at you, like there was something he was too scared to say, “What is it Raf?” you asked, assuming he was just worried about your eating habits. He sighed softly, picking at a thread on the couch, 

“Um, Noah wanted me to go see his baseball game tomorrow,” he said softly. You frowned, unsure of why he was being strange about that. You didn’t care if he wanted to see Noah’s baseball game. 

“Okay,” you said softly. He shifted uncomfortably, 

“I’ve been thinking,” he said softly, “Noah and I, we’re pretty close,” You nodded, still not sure where he was taking this conversation, “If you aren’t okay with this, just tell me, but um he needs a male figure in his life. Someone to be there for him, and I want to talk with Liv about possibly providing that for him. I love Noah, and I want him to feel loved,” You were quiet for a few minutes, thinking over what he said. You didn’t necessarily have an issue with him wanting to be in Noah’s life, but you were hit with the information so quickly. 

“You think you can handle that for both him and Gabriella?” you asked softly, and he nodded. “I’m fine with it then. I just don’t want you overwhelming yourself is all,” you told him. He smiled then, looking relieved to have had the conversation with you. The more you thought about it, the more you liked the idea. He already loved Noah so much, and you figured they would both help each other with a furthered relationship. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there was no chapter last night. I’m really in a funk with this fic, but I’m working through it. Thanks for reading and I’d love comments! :)

You were working on a brief, feeling flustered and exhausted in your office. You ran a tired hand through your hair, peeking up as Jerome entered your office, “Make me a copy of this Jerome, and please bring me some coffee,”

“Yes Ma’am,” you looked up immediately, smiling and laughing when you realized it was Rafael, “You look very stressed,” he said softly, taking a few more steps in with Gabriella in his arms.

“I feel very stressed,” you whispered, sighing softly, but letting yourself take a break.

    “Well I brought someone to see you,” he said softly, and you smiled, taking her into your arms.

    “Hey sweetheart,” you cooed. She wrapped her arms around your neck, smiling at you, and it felt like all the worries in the world were lifted from your shoulders. “What are you doing here?” You asked as Rafael took a seat on the other side of your desk,

    “I’m actually going shopping,” he said softly, “Groceries and all that, and then we are going to see Noah play baseball later,”

    “Well thank you for coming here to visit me,” you said, smiling, “I really needed you both today,”

    “Can you take a break? We could go get some coffee quick,” he asked, and you thought about it for a moment, considering if you could spare that much time, but in the end, you figured it was worth it. You got up, following him out, and he wrapped an arm around your waist,

    “I’ll be back in a bit Jerome. I have my cell,” you said. Rafael and you walked down the street to a little coffee shop, sitting down and getting drinks. Gabriella was holding tight to you, still easily fatigued from when she was sick. You stroked her back, smiling when she fell asleep.

    “She started crawling earlier,” he whispered, and you felt a pang of disappointment that you weren’t there when she started. You wanted to see all of those things, but of course you were at work like always. “Don’t worry. I got some on video for you,” he said, and that did make you feel better. You were glad he thought to preserve the moment for your sake. You took a sip of your coffee.

    “I’m so tired Raf,” you said. “I want to just sleep,”

    “I know. The weekend is almost here though, You can sleep then,” he said softly, “And if you don’t have court tomorrow, maybe you can just sleep in, go into the office late,” You nodded, taking another sip of the coffee. Talking with Rafael made you feel so much better by the time you returned to work.

…………………………..

    Rafael felt nice out in the sunlight, getting out of the house to go see people he cared about. Gabriella was still sleepy, perched on his hip, cuddled up against him and out cold. He walked in the grass, finally spotting Liv on the bleachers. He took a seat beside her, “Hey,” he said, “Sorry we’re a couple minutes late. Someone still isn’t feeling the greatest,”

    “Oh no problem. Noah is right over there,” she said, pointing him out. Rafael waved at the little boy who he loved like a son, and Noah waved back, a big toothless smile. The game was slow, but Rafael didn’t mind. The fresh air was exhilarating, and Noah was having so much fun, hitting the ball, running around the bases. He loved watching him get so excited and enjoy himself. When the game was over, Noah was grinning from ear to ear, rushing over to Rafael for a hug,

    “UNCLE RAFA!” he yelled, “You made it!”

    “I promised I’d be here didn’t I?” he said, holding Noah close.

    “Did you see me throw the ball?!” he said, and Rafael nodded,

    “You did so good out there buddy. Let’s go get some dinner. My treat,” he said, looking to Liv who nodded. He took them out for burgers and milkshakes which Noah devoured. Rafael felt happy being with so many people who he loved and who loved him back. He got Gabriella to eat some little tiny pieces of his french fries. She had been eating more and more solid food lately, finally coming around to it, and he didn’t mind sharing.

    “How’s she doing?” Liv asked softly, and Rafael shrugged,

    “She’s still not all the way better. She’s been so tired lately, and I wish I could just make her feel better,” he replied. She was so sluggish and droopy, sleeping most of the day. The doctor said she was gonna get better soon, and Rafael hoped he was right.

    “Sometimes it takes kids a bit to shake stuff. She looks a lot better,” Liv said softly. Rafael smiled at that. She did look better. She was a lot less pale, no fever, and she wasn’t as fussy as before. Mostly just tired. They talked for awhile, Noah telling him about school and tee ball practice, and Rafael couldn’t stop grinning. Talking to Noah was one of his favorite things.

    “I’ll tell you what, if you do good on that spelling test later this week, I’ll take you out for ice cream,” Rafael offered, and Noah grinned, cheering. Liv laughed softly from beside him, “You think I could take you out tomorrow night?” Rafael asked, turning to Liv, “I need to talk to you about something important,”

    “Yeah, sure,” She said, brow furrowing at his tone. She could tell he was very serious about whatever it was.

………………………………

    Laying in your arms on the couch, Rafael was half asleep while watching the tv. “How was Noah’s game?” you asked softly, kissing the top of his head.

    “Fun. He did really well,” he replied. You tightened your hold on him.

    “Did you talk to Liv?” you asked, rubbing your hand across his chest. He was so cuddly, so solid in your arms as he leaned his head against you, humming with every touch. You ran your fingers through his thick locks, and he smiled. Gabriella was on the floor, playing with blocks on her own. She had perked up once he got home, finally acting like herself.

    “We’re gonna go to dinner tomorrow and we’ll talk about it then,” he explained. You watched quietly as Gabriella started crawling over towards the coffee table, reaching up with her little hands. You tapped Rafael’s shoulder as she hoisted herself up to her feet. She mostly just stood there, and you both watched, amazed until she tumbled down to the ground and started sobbing. Rafael was up immediately, pulling her into his arms and coddling her. “Aww, you poor thing,” he whispered, “You poor baby,” You shook your head at him. Yes, she deserved comfort, but he was overdoing it. If he kept this up, she’d never learn to be tough. He held her close to him, snuggling her and soothing her as he walked around. It was almost funny how fast he’d gotten up off the couch. She was sniffling in his arms and he held her close, rocking her, going to the kitchen and getting her some ice. You rolled your eyes and laughed slightly as he kissed it all better and held her long after her cries subsided.

    “You know she’s fine right,” you said with a laugh.

    “You don’t know that,” he replied, “What if she got a concussion. She hit her head a little bit,”

    “Raf, she barely fell. She’s fine,” you replied, but he wasn’t buying it. He wasn’t letting her go either.

    “Would it make you feel better if we took her to the ER?” you asked jokingly. He scowled,

    “Maybe,” he mumbled after a few moments. You laughed again, “Aren’t you supposed to check pupils?”

    “Rafael,” you sighed exasperatedly, “She’s fine,”

    “You don’t know that,” he said again, glaring. He was looking into her eyes intently, and then he pulled out his phone.

    “What are you doing now?” you asked, standing up.

    “Texting George,” he replied, and you really needed a glass of wine. You went to the kitchen to get a drink and when you came back, Rafael was on the phone with Huang, talking to him about head injuries. You just sat down and starting sipping your wine, watching the tv. “He thinks she’s okay, but I’m not gonna risk it,” Rafael said softly.

    “What are you gonna do then?” you asked.

    “Check on her every couple hours,” he replied, carefully setting her down and sitting beside her.

    “Rafael, she needs her sleep. She’s still sick. You need to leave her alone. She is fine,” you said, setting your glass down. “Come over here,” He looked up at you, eye narrowing, his protective hold around her tightening. You shook your head, finishing the glass in one big gulp and pouring yourself another.

…………………………………..

    You woke up in the middle of the night, and Rafael wasn’t in bed. You sighed softly, getting up to go find him. He was in her room, cuddling her close and looking into her eyes again. You stood at the doorway. “Raf,” you said softly, and he looked up at you, “Stop it. She’s alright,”

    “I want to make sure,” he replied, and you nodded, coming over and putting a hand on his shoulder.

    “I know you do, and I know you’re scared, but she’s alright. I promise. Even George thought so. He went to med school,” you told him, but he just shrugged.

    “Just let me, please,” he finally said, and you nodded, worrying about him.

    “Are you alright?” you asked softly, and he nodded, “Then what’s going on,”

    “I’m scared. She scared me with the pneumonia. I’m going to protect her Y/N,” he said simply, and you sighed. You wanted to make him feel better. You knelt down, hand going to his cheek,

    “Look at me,” you said softly, “You aren’t going to be able to protect her from everything,” He met your eyes, looking sad, “There are things that you just can’t do anything about. You know that,”

    “What’s happened to me in the last year shows that, but I’m going to do everything I can,” he said softly. His green eyes were shining with determination. “I’ll be damned if anything happens to that little girl that I could have stopped,”

 

“I know Rafael. I know, but you can’t put all of that on yourself. It’s not fair,” you told him. He sighed, nodding.

……………………

Rafael nervously adjusted the button down he was wearing. Tonight needed to go well. He knocked on the door, and it was promptly opened by Lucy who let him. Liv was hugging Noah goodnight on the couch, but the moment he came into view, Noah was up to his feet and bounding towards him. “Uncle Rafa, can’t I come with you and Mommy?” He whined, and Rafael hated the sad look on his little face. He hugged him extra tight.

“Not tonight hombrecito, your Mama and I need to talk. I’ll tel you what though. If you brush your teeth and listen to Lucy, I’ll drop in and say goodnight later. Deal?” He asked, and Noah nodded energetically.

“Deal!” He said with a grin, “Uncle Rafa?”

“Yes Noah?” He asked.

“Are you gonna marry Mommy?” The little boy asked, and Rafael felt his cheeks heat up.

“No you silly goose, I’m married to Aunt Y/N remember?” He replied, and Noah bit his lip, but he nodded, “Even if I’m not married to your Mom, I’m still here for you, and I love you very much okay?” Noah nodded.

“I love you too Uncle Rafa,” he said with a little smile.

“Alright Noah, me and Uncle Rafa need to get going,” Liv said, cutting in. Rafael got one more hug before Liv was dragging him out the door. She drove them to the restaurant, and it was when they were sitting down that he began to talk.

“I don’t want to overstep here, so if this isn't something you like, please just tell me,” he said softly, and Liv smiled at him encouragingly, “I wanted to talk to you about Noah,” he said, watching her face. She looked slightly concerned, but not upset by any means, so he continued, “Noah needs a male figure in his life, and I really, really care about him. More than I ever thought I could care about anyone. I love him like he’s my son,” Rafael said softly. “I wanted to know if you would be okay if I stepped into that role for him. If he needed anything from me, I’d be there for him,” Liv was quiet for a few minutes, seemingly thinking over it all.

“Rafa….” she said softly, “I trust you with my life. You know that. You’re my best friend, but Noah is just a little boy. He doesn’t understand that you have a life outside of him. If you really want this, you can’t be unsure. I don’t want to let him get attached and then hurt,”

“No offense, but I think he’s already pretty attached,” Rafael said softly. Liv nodded.

“You have your own daughter,” she said, and he shook his head,

“I think I can handle two. I’m not saying he needs to call me Daddy or anything, but I can go to his baseball games, talk to him about girl problems. I can be there for him when you can’t for whatever reason. I’m not taking this lightly,” Rafael explained.

“Okay. We need to set some rules though. We’ll start out slow. See how he responds. You and I are going to have to talk about things, my rules for him, and I can’t have you keeping secrets from me or anything like that,” she replied. Rafael laughed softly,

“Only the really juicy ones,” he said with a wink, and Liv smiled, “I promise,”

“I do think this will be good for him,” she said softly, and that did make him happy, “And how about you start my taking him to the father/son tee ball game next week?” Rafael’s eyes went a little wide, but Liv laughed.

“Wow Liv. That’s ice cold after what you know about my little league days,” he said. He knew he could do it though.

“What can I say. Motherhood has really brought out my sweet side.”

……………………….

Noah’s room was dark, but Rafael had promised. He slipped inside, taking a seat beside the bed. Sure enough the little boy turned over, “Uncle Rafa,” he said softly, smiling.

“Hey buddy,” he said softly, carding his fingers through Noah’s curls, “You better get to sleep, or your Mama might get mad at me,”

“Thanks for coming back,” Noah whispered.

“I said I would,” Rafael said gently, “What do you think about you and me going to that tee ball game next week?”

“Really!?” Noah said excitedly, and Rafael. Buckled, holding a finger up to his mouth. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Noah’s forehead,

“Yeah, really. Now you get to sleep,” he said softly, standing up.

“Uncle Rafa?” Noah said, and Rafael turned back, “I love you,”

“I love you too hombrecito,” Rafael replied, shutting the door as he left the room.

………………………….

When Rafael got into the house, you were sitting on the couch, drinking wine and watching tv. He plopped down beside you, resting his head in your lap, “Oh I see,” you said softly, “After a night out with your other wife, you come crawling back to me,” You teased. He laughed softly at your joke, sighing when you started to run your fingers through his hair, “How’d it go?”

“Really good. I’m going to Noah’s father/son tee ball game,” Rafael said softly, and you smiled,

“That’s great sweetheart,” you replied.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll answer all unanswered comments in the morning cause I am dead tired. Hope you guys enjoy! Thanks for reading :)

Rafael was sitting on the floor when you came in. He and Gabriella were playing with Brady who was chasing after a ball she’d just thrown. “Good job baby,” Rafael said softly, grinning. You set your things down, going back to the bedroom to get into more comfortable clothes. You could hear Gabriella clapping, and Rafael praising every thing she did. It was adorable to you. You loved to listen to him with her. When you went to the kitchen, dinner was waiting on the stove. Rafael had made his favorite pork chops, rice and beans, and you took a good portion. You went back to the living room, taking a seat on the couch, 

“Hey,” you said softly, and he smiled at you, “How was your day?” 

“Pretty good,” he replied, “We went for a walk in the park and took Brady, and someone at all of her applesauce for lunch today,” Gabriella giggled, “Yes you did, mhmm,” he tapped her nose. 

“App sauce,” she repeated, and Rafael’s face lit up. 

“That’s right princesa, applesauce. That’s what you had for lunch,” he cooed. She squealed happily. You laughed softly, “She’s been talking more and more. New words. How about you?” he asked, “How was the Johnson case this morning?” 

“It was good,” you replied, “I sank them on cross,” 

“That’s my girl!” he said, holding up his hand for a high five, “I’m so proud of you. Clap for Mommy Gabriella,” She obediently clapped her hands, and you both laughed. 

“Um Raf,” you said softly, and he looked up at you, “I talked to Jack McCoy today,” you said, and he looked at you curiously. “There’s a charity gala next week, and he wants you and me to be there. He said we can bring Gabriella too,” He stared at you almost blankly for a few minutes, 

“Why does he need me to go?” he asked softly, looking away. You knew he wasn’t going to be a fan of this. You took another bite of the rice, 

“Because you’re still an employee, and Rafael, this will be good for you. You can get out and see people. Don’t make me go alone, you know how much I hate those,” you said softly. You knew it would be good for him to get out and socialize more, but he was obviously feeling nervous about it. 

“Let me think about it,” he whispered, and you sighed, hoping he could come around and realize it’d be a good experience for him. 

………………………

Rafael was tapping his thigh, staring at the wall. “Rafael, hey, is something bothering you today?” George’s voice startled him, pulling him back to reality. 

“The DA wants me to go to a charity gala,” he said softly, “And Y/N wants me to go with her,” 

“Does that bother you?” George asked softly. 

“Yes,” he whispered, “I’m just nervous. People will stare, ask questions. They are going to want to ask me questions. They’ll look at me like I’m broken,” 

“Are you?” George asked. 

“No,” Rafael mumbled, 

“Then who cares what they think about you Rafael,” he said softly. Rafael shrugged. 

“I have to work with these people,” he explained, “I want them to respect me. Like before,” 

“Just because they feel bad for you doesn’t mean they don’t respect you Rafael,” George said softly, “Try not to worry too much about others opinions, and if you’re having a hard time there, talk to Y/N and take a break,” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. 

“I think it’ll be really good for you to get out though. You can spend some time around people, work your way back up to normal,” George said. Rafael nodded, feeling a little better about the whole thing. 

………………………………

You were getting out of the shower, wrapping yourself up in a robe when you heard some commotion from the kitchen. You poked your head out the door, “Rafael, are you alright?” you asked. 

“I’m fine. Brady just knocked some stuff down,” he replied. 

“Are you dressed?” you called. No answer. You sighed, getting the hair dryer out and starting to style your locks. After you had it tied back elegantly, you applied your makeup, going light with most of it. When you went in the bedroom, Rafael was laying down, not dressed at all. “We have to leave Rafa, really soon. I know you’re nervous, but you need to get your hot ass up and in that tux,” 

“Y/N,” he whispered, “People are gonna talk so much,” 

“You’ll be perfect. They’ll be glad to see you up and happy. Trust me,” you said gently, “People will talk, yes, but that doesn’t mean you have anything to be ashamed of. Liv might be there. Depends on if Dodds decided to make her go,” 

“I hope she is,” he sighed, finally standing up and grabbing his tuxedo. He put on the shirt first, buttoning it all up, and then came the cummerbund and his pants. He stared in the mirror as he did the bowtie, and at the point, you were slipping into your gown. It was a fairly simple blue dress with some beading at the shoulders and on your one hip. There was a long slit in the fabric starting at your mid thigh. You added diamond earrings and a necklace, helping Rafael snap his cufflinks into place. He let you straighten the bowtie before slipping into his jacket. He finished by putting on his shoes, and you smiled. 

“You look so handsome,” you said, and he smiled for you. “Is Gabriella ready?” 

“Yeah, she’s her bedroom. I’m gonna go do my hair really quick,” he said, standing up. You picked up his watch from the desk. He hadn’t worn it much since he was out of work. You grabbed Gabriella, and when he came out of the bathroom, looking all put together, you handed it to him to add to the outfit. You were going to attract plenty of attention at this benefit. The car ride felt really short, Rafael’s anxiety palpable. You held his hand on the way up the steps, and he took Gabriella, holding her on his opposite hip as you entered. He was shaking just slightly. Sure enough, people swarmed the three of you, talking and asking questions. Rafael’s answers were soft, and often uncomfortable when people spoke about his assault. You just squeezed his hand, trying to keep him calm. People were fawning over Gabriella, and Rafael smiled hugely when talking about her. You got separated fairly quickly, someone pulling you aside to talk about networking details. You got caught in a long political conversation, and then you were roped into speaking with the Mayor’s wife for awhile. When you finally managed to get away again, you searched the crowd for Rafael. He was seated at your table, holding Gabriella and looking lonely. Your heart ached for him. You started to make you way over there, but you were intercepted by Dodds. You managed to get out of that conversation rather quickly though. When you made it to his side, you noticed the redness to his eyes. 

“Hey,” you whispered, putting a hand on his shoulder, “You okay?” He shrugged you off, sniffling slightly. 

“I’m fine,” he said, but you didn’t really believe him. You looked around to see if you could figure out what had him so upset, but you really weren’t sure. You went over to the punch table to get a drink, so you could sort out what happened and try to fix it. You heard some soft laughing, and for some reason it caught your attention. There was a group of young students, interns at the DAs office. You recognized quite a few of them, and they were huddled up around the end of the table. 

“I heard he had sex with some nurse at the hospital,” you bristled, hearing one of the girls quite obviously speak about your husband, “Oh, I’m sorry, he was ‘raped,’”

“I mean they did get a conviction for it,” one of the boys said, “But I don’t understand why they’re holding onto a job for him. Look at him, he’s pathetic, playing stay at home Daddy,” 

“He keeps pushing off the decision, probably cause he knows one day of it would make him cry,” another boy commented. 

“They should just hire another ADA, it would be less of a hassle,” You were done listening to them talk shit about him. You went over to the group, 

“You know he’s not deaf right,” you practically hissed. 

“Ms. Y/L/N, we didn’t mean--” You cut them off, 

“I don’t want to hear it. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’d be lucky to be able to study under Mr. Barba, ask anyone. Your supervisor will be hearing about this, trust me,” you said lowly before going back to the table. Rafael still had his head down, but he looked less upset. You put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing up and down as they started serving food and the announcements began. Rafael was quiet, shoulders slumped, and he picked at his food. He was quietly holding Gabriella, shushing her when she started to make too much noise. After dinner was finished, he got up, trying to talk to people for you, but he was obviously still upset. You were standing with him when an elderly woman came over, smiling at Gabriella, and reaching out to pat her shoulder, but Rafael pulled her back immediately. 

“Please don’t touch my daughter,” he said lowly. You sighed softly, hating how upset he obviously was. When Olivia walked in though, he brightened up considerably. He spent some time by her side until it was time to dance. Liv held onto Gabriella while the two of you swayed back and forth to the music, 

“You know they’re just dumb college students,’ you said softly, his eyes going wide. 

“How did you….” he trailed off, 

“I heard them Rafa,” you explained, “And they’re wrong. They have no idea what they’re talking about,” 

“I know, but they think they do. People believe those things about me,” he whispered. 

“Who cares what the hell they think,” you murmured, cupping his cheek, “We know it isn’t true,” He nodded softly, pulling you close. The song was slow, a perfect time to spend in each other's arms. He was holding onto you tight. You decided to call it a night early after that, and you left the Gala. Rafael did seem better on the way home, but he was quiet when he finally came to bed. He let you wrap your arms around him, kissing his shoulder, and holding him tight to you. “Talk to me,” you whispered, 

“It’s just upsetting,” he whispered, “I wish they weren’t talking about me,” 

“I know, and I’m going to deal with it, but what they said wasn’t true,” you told him, and he nodded, 

“I know it wasn’t true,” he murmured, “I know they’re wrong, but it still stings. Sometimes I feel pathetic,” 

“You’ve been doing so, so much better recently. You are anything but pathetic Rafael. You’ve made it back from such a dark place,” you said gently, “You’re strong,” 

“I’m strong,” he repeated. He was starting to listen to you, to come around to what you were saying. “What are you gonna do to them?” he asked with a laugh. 

“I’m gonna make sure they get disciplined severely,” you replied, a soft smile playing at your lips, “I know their boss,” 

“You’re amazing, you know that,” he whispered, and you laughed, 

“I know,” that made him laugh too, “You feel any better?” 

“Yeah,” he said softly, “Thank you,” 

“Anytime Rafael. Anytime.” 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus. I meant to get this done last night but I fell asleep. Hope you guys enjoy!

Rafael was rushing around, nervously grabbing things, and you were trying to calm him down, but he was in a mad panic. “Rafael, sit down and eat some breakfast,” you finally said, feeling exasperated with him. He muttered something about finding his good shoes and disappeared down the hall again. You shook your head at him. You went back into the bedroom, leaving Gabriella in the highchair with Brady sitting obediently at her feet. He was rummaging through the closet, “Rafael. Go. Eat. Breakfast.” you said, “I will find the shoes. Relax,” He sighed dramatically but stalked off to the table. You found his shoes in a box in the closet, pulling them out and setting them on the bed next to his suit. He was thankfully picking at some cereal when you returned to the kitchen, sharing with Gabriella. You rubbed his shoulders gently, working out the knots in his muscles, and he sighed contentedly. “Everything is gonna go great later. I promise,” you whispered, and he nodded, taking another bite of his breakfast. 

“Sonny got the white right?” he asked, and you nodded, 

“I’m sure he got it. He’s on top of this Rafael,” you said gently. He looked nervous still though, “Here, I’ll text him,” 

“I’m sorry. I just really want this to go well. Mom has been all over me about it since she was born,” Rafael whispered, letting his head fall into his hands. 

“I know. It’s alright. Just breathe and try to work through the anxiety,” you reminded him, and he nodded. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again, and you shook your head, 

“Stop apologizing to me Rafael. It’s fine,” you told him. He sighed and finished his cereal, going to get himself dressed. When he came back, you smiled, straightening and flattening a few things until he looked well put together. “You look very handsome,” you said softly, and he beamed back at you, 

“I look terrible next to you. The most beautiful woman I’ve laid eyes on,” he murmured, brushing some hair from your face, “I never tell you how much I love you. You’re the best Mom Gabriella could wish for, and I’d still be a wreck without you. You’re amazing, and I love you,” he said softly. His words brought tears to your eyes. You loved him so much, and when he took the time to tell you how he felt, it made everything worth it. 

“Thank you Rafael,” you whispered, letting him pull you into a hug. 

“Now you go get dressed, I’ll get Gabriella cleaned up, and we need to get going,” he said softly. You nodded, going and putting on the dress you picked out. You did your make up and your hair before you were on the way out the door. Today was special. You were finally getting Gabriella baptised. It had taken some time to find a church that would work for you as you weren’t technically a practicing Catholic or a member of the church Rafael attended. You would go along with him from time to time. The other issue was Liv who you had chosen as Gabriella’s godmother. She wasn’t Catholic either. Rafael had found a Nondenominational Church that would do it though which satisfied him and Lucia who had been on him about it recently. The ride to the church was short, and then you were inside and Rafael was wound tight as a bowstring. He had her cradled in his arms, waiting for it to be time to start. You held his hand, trying to get him to calm down and relax. He hadn’t slept much the night before, worrying and fretting over if every little thing would go according to plan. Due to your inexperience, when the ceremony began, Rafael answered most of the questions. Sonny and Liv were with you, Sonny beaming like never before. The priest asked you all a few questions before everyone sang a hymn and there was a scriptural reading. Rafael was still holding her close, standing beside you. When the prayers started, you bowed your head and shut your eyes, glad that this whole thing might give Rafael some peace of mind for Gabriella. You knew it would reduce his stress substantially as his mother would finally stop bothering him about it. Rafael held her right up until the Priest was getting ready to pour the water. He handed her over to Sonny who held her carefully. You held onto Rafael’s arm, smiling. He felt relaxed, much more so than before. Gabriella looked pretty in her little white dress, and you couldn’t wait for pictures afterwards. Once the ceremony was over, Rafael was smiling and he took Gabriella back into his arms, going to find his mother. She was grinning and you smiled as he let her hold your daughter. He seemed to be doing better with her recently, letting go of some of the things that had him so upset before. As long as she wasn’t vastly increasing his stress, you wanted him to be able to have her in his life. He deserved it. He deserved to have people that loved him. 

Lunch afterwards was nice, the squad, you, Rafael, and Lucia at a little restaurant. Rafael was smiling and feeding Gabriella little bites of his food. “Dada!” she exclaimed more than once, and each and every time it brought a smile to his face. He always looked so awed when she said his name, and when he realized how much she loved him. You covered his hand with your own, smiling at how happy he seemed. 

……………………………….

You were getting home just as Rafael was getting dressed for the tee ball game. He was pulling on some ratty shorts and a tee shirt, and when you walked in the room, he sat down to tie his sneakers. “Hey,” you said softly, “How was your day?” 

“Good. Gabriella and I went to a Mommy and Me class,” he said, and you smiled, “And She ate applesauce again. She’s sleeping right now. How was yours?” 

“Fine, long. I’m glad to be home,” you said softly, slipping out of your heels. 

“Well she shouldn’t be up for awhile, so rest. I’ll be back in a few hours,” he said. You nodded, going to sit beside him on the bed,

“Rafael, you take it easy okay? You can’t hit your head, and you don’t want to overexert yourself,” you said softly. He nodded, kissing you softly. 

“I’ll be careful. I promise,” he whispered. He kissed you again, pulling you into his arm for a few minutes before he finally got up to leave. “I’ll be back in a bit,” 

“See you then baby. Good luck,” you said with a smile. You laid down, deciding you deserved a nap after such a long day.

……………………………..

Rafael picked Noah up from Liv’s house right on time, the little boy dressed to play tee ball and smiling like it was Christmas day. “Hi Uncle Rafa,” he said with a big smile. 

“Hey buddy, you excited?” Rafael asked, and Noah nodded energetically, “I’ll tell you what, if you can get a homerun tonight, I’ll get you some ice cream,” 

“Really?” Noah asked, his eyes going wide, and Rafael nodded, 

“You and I are gonna have so much fun,” he said with a grin. 

“Thank you for coming with me to this Uncle Rafa,” Noah said softly, “It’s really nice of you,” 

“You’re very welcome buddy. I am glad to be able to spend time with you,” he replied, “Now hold my hand,” Noah obediently took Rafael’s hand, following him as they crossed the street. When they got to the field, there were lots of people there, and Rafael got a ball and started tossing it back and forth with Noah to get warmed up.

“Did you ever play tee ball Uncle Rafa?” Noah asked, and Rafael laughed. 

“Yes, when I was six probably. I wasn’t very good though. You’re much better than I ever was,” he said with a smile. 

“Really?” asked Noah, and Rafael nodded, 

“Baseball was not my strong suit, trust me,” he said, and Noah giggled, “But you, hombrecito, are very good. You keep up the hard work and maybe you’ll get to play for the Mets some day,” 

“Thanks Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, grinning some more. 

“You’re welcome buddy,” Rafael said with a smile, “Now let’s see if I can kick your butt,” Noah laughed at that too. When the game started, Rafael wasn’t sure how it would go, but he just wanted Noah to have fun. He surprised himself by not getting too winded when he ran to first base. All the exercise he’d been getting seemed to have paid off as he was able to run without pain or too much exhaustion. The game was lowkey and fun, especially when Noah was chasing him down with the ball and they both ended up in a heap on the ground, 

“You’re out Uncle Rafa!” Noah yelled, but Rafael shook his head, 

“I touched the base,” he argued, and Noah frowned, 

“No, you’re out,” he replied. Their argument ended with Rafael ticking Noah until he gave in. Of course the kids won in the end, but Rafael had a lot of fun, running around, throwing, catching. When they were finished, he sat in the infield, eating some watermelon that one of the parents brought. It was sweet and delicious. “That was mean Uncle Rafa,” he said softly, and Rafael laughed, 

“Oh hush, you deserved to be tickled,” he said, and Noah laughed, “Did you have fun?” 

“Yeah, I had a good time. Thank you for coming with me. I thought maybe I’d be alone,” Noah whispered. Rafael frowned, pulling Noah close, 

“Anytime you have anything like this, you just have to tell me. I will be there for you. I love you Noah,” Rafael said softly, and Noah scooted closer, pressing his face against Rafael’s side. His sticky fingers didn’t phase the lawyer one bit as he held the five year old close. He hated that Noah ever thought he might have gone alone. Liv surely would have went with him, and even if that wasn’t the same, he hoped Noah knew how much his Mom loved him, “You know your Mom would have gone with you,” 

“I know she would,” Noah whispered, “But that would be weird,” 

“No it wouldn’t,” Rafael said softly, “Your Mom loves you, and that’s really all that matters Noah. She’d be there for you no matter what,” Noah nodded. “Now, how about you and me go and get some ice cream like I promised, and then I’ll take you home,” 

“Okay,” Noah said with a smile, following Rafael. As he moved, he began to feel the aches and pains of muscles he hadn’t used in forever. He was pretty sure he pulled something along the way. The ice cream shop was small, and Noah ate his cone so fast, Rafael was sure he was going to end up with brain freeze. After they ate, Rafael took him home, sticking around for a hug goodnight. Afterwards, he sat down with Liv on the couch, feeling exhausted. 

“How’d it go?” she asked softly, and Rafael smiled, 

“Great, he seemed to have a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed myself,” he said, “He told me he was worried he would have to go alone, and um...I told him that you would have gone with him,” Liv looked a little troubled by that, but she didn’t seem upset, so he was confident he’d handled the situation well. 

“Alright, then thank you Rafa. I’m sure it meant the world to him,” Liv said. When he went home, you were in the living room playing blocks with Gabriella who was babbling loudly. Rafael collapsed down on the couch. 

“You need a shower,” you said with a laugh from the floor. He flopped over onto his back, 

“Do I smell that bad?” he asked, and you smiled, 

“You smell sweetheart, and you’re covered in dirt,” you said, and he looked down, only now noticing the dirt streaked down his legs along with some cuts and scratches. 

“Did you two have fun?” he asked, and you nodded, 

“We’ve just been hanging out all night. She’s very talkative today,” you said. Rafael smiled. She had been starting to string words together recently into phrases. And she was doing really well with crawling, starting to move all over the place on her own. She was growing up fast and it was terrifying for him, but he also knew it was good. He just hoped he could continue to be good to her as she got older. 

………………………….

When you got home from work, the house was quiet. You walked in, set your things down, and frowned, wondering where Rafael had possibly gotten off too, but then a loud snore from the couch startled you. When went over there, laughing softly as you saw Rafael, sprawled out and dead to the world, on his back, in nothing but his underwear. Gabriella was cuddled up on top of him, only in a diaper, also asleep. You couldn’t help but laugh to yourself and take a picture. He was so adorable with her, and you knew sometimes, when she got really upset, she liked the skin on skin contact, and she always loved being in Rafael’s arms. It was a sure fire way to get her to relax and calm down. Rafael would hold her close after she had a rough day, and she would perk up. It looked like they both were exhausted though, and your only worry was about how long she might have been sleeping. He might be up late with her if it had been a long nap. You went into the kitchen, surprised that dinner was sitting on the counter. Sometimes if he had a really rough day with her, he wouldn’t get a chance to start food, but he had managed. You ate, and by the time you were finished in the shower, he started to rouse. He blinked a few times, looking really sleepy, but when he saw you, he smiled, 

“Hey,” he whispered. 

“Hey,” you said back, “You look exhausted,” 

“I feel pretty good,” he replied, “Well rested,” he was interrupted by Gabriella starting to shriek as she woke up. You laughed softly, but he handled it well, lifting her up and making silly faces at her until she started to calm down. She finally relaxed, and was just sniffling in his arms. “I think she’s starting to teeth,” he said, “She’s been cranky all day,” He ran a finger across her gums and she relaxed some more. 

“I can pick up some of the toys from the store that help with that,” you said, and he nodded. You smiled, watching as he took her back for her bath. She had the best daddy around. 


	16. Chapter 16

Rafael had been up all night with her. She was miserable all night, sobbing constantly. You heard him get up around midnight to get her from her crib, and when you woke up again at three, he was still gone. At that point, you got up to go check on him, and he was in the living room, walking back and forth and trying to put her to sleep. At that point, she was breathlessly sobbing, and he looked so distressed, “Shhh, shhh,” he whispered, “It’s okay. I know it hurts,” 

“You okay?” You asked softly, and he nodded, but he looked so upset. 

“She’s in so much pain,” he whispered, “I’m trying really hard to calm her down, but every time I get her to sleep at all, she’s up crying again ten minutes later,” 

“Okay, shhh, breathe. Here, give her to me for a second,” you said gently. He was starting to freak out. You could feel the tension radiating off his body. He obediently handed her over, and you bounced her a few times, “I know it hurts sweetheart,” Rafael sat on the couch, dropping his head into his hands and starting to hyperventilate, “Hey, breathe. It’s okay, you’re fine,” 

“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered. 

“Rafael, stop it,” you said, “Go get a washcloth from the closet and rinse it with cold water. You need to calm down,” 

“Okay,” he mumbled, going and doing as you asked, wiping at his eyes. He was tired and upset because she was hurting, but you couldn’t have him losing it. He came back and you let her chew on the washcloth for a few minutes. She started to calm down some. “Go back to bed,” he said, reaching for her, “You have work tomorrow,” 

“You’ve been up for hours Rafa,” you said gently, “You need to sleep,” 

“I can sleep in,” he argued. You sighed, but handed her back to him. 

“If you feel overwhelmed, you have to wake me up,” you said softly, and he nodded. He shooed you off towards bed to sleep. 

When you woke up the next morning, he was in the living room, eyes closed, and as soon as you walked in, he shot up, “I’m up, I’m up!” He said, and you looked at him incredulously. Gabriella was still in his arms, asleep now, and he had dark bags under his eyes. 

“Rafi, have you been out here all night?” You asked. He refused to meet your eyes. There were tear tracks staining his cheeks. “I told you to come get me,” you said softly. 

“I’ve got it. Go to work,” he said, and you shook your head at him, 

“You don’t have to do this alone. I’m right here. Let me help,” you said gently, but he was being stubborn, “At least go lay down for awhile,” He sighed, but did as you asked. You hoped she wouldn’t give him too much trouble throughout the day. When you left for work, he was passed out in bed Gabriella in the pack and play on the floor of your room.

……………………………………….

You had a long day once more; they were slowly becoming the norm. You trudged home after spending the last three hours trying to explain to Jack McCoy how your case had gone to hell in one day. You couldn’t help it when certain detectives decided to break rules. You just wanted a bath and some wine, but when you went inside, you immediately spotted Rafael on the couch. His choked sobs had you feeling panicked almost immediately. He was just crying, tears streaming from his eyes, and you knelt down in front of him, “What’s wrong?” you asked softly, but instead of answering, he just leaned forward, resting his face against your shoulder and crying. “Hey, shhh, it’s okay. Where’s Gabriella?” 

“Crib,” he whispered, and you nodded, holding him close. You rocked him back and forth, trying desperately to calm him down. He was clinging now, clutching at your shirt, and you had no idea what could possibly have him this upset, “I’m a terrible father,” he whispered, and your eyes went wide, 

“That’s not true at all,” you said, but he shook his head, sobbing more, “Rafael, tell me what happened, breathe,” He took a deep breath, but he couldn’t stop the tears, “Talk to me,” 

“I can’t,” he whispered, “Just hold me,” You sighed, but you sat beside him on the couch, letting him lean into your arms. You rubbed his back and tried to get him to stop losing it. You were sure, whatever happened, he was blowing it out of proportion. He finally managed to stop sobbing, sniffling against your shoulder as you held him tight, 

“It’s okay,” you murmured, kissing the top of his head. 

“No it isn’t,” he whispered. You shook your head, running your fingers through his hair, 

“What happened baby,” you said, and he sniffled again for a few moments before answering, 

“I….I--I’m so tired, and she was so cranky all day. She just cried and cried, and I couldn’t help her. I tried everything, and she wouldn’t eat. She’s probably starving. I couldn’t help her, and then I couldn’t take the crying anymore, so I just left her in her crib for five minutes, alone, and I went for a walk, and when I came back, she was crying some more. I left her alone Y/N, when she was in pain,” he whispered, and you shook your head, letting out a little huff. 

“Rafael. I want you to tell me something. What’s worse: leaving a baby alone for five minutes in her crib or shaking her?” you asked, and his eyes blew wide. 

“I would never shake her,” he said forcefully, and you put a hand on his face, 

“Just answer me,” you said. 

“Leaving her alone,” he whispered. 

“And do you know why people shake babies?” you asked, and he looked so upset that you were even having this conversation, but if he would just cooperate, you would be able to get to your point. 

“Because they lose their head,” he said softly, and you nodded. 

“Exactly. When people have to deal with a lot of stress, sometimes they make poor decisions. You made a good decision today. You took five minutes to get yourself together and clear your head, and you did your best to help her. Everything is okay,” you said softly, and he still looked unconvinced. “Say it Rafa,” 

“Everything is okay,” he finally whispered, wiping at his eyes. He seemed less than okay though, still sniffling and crying. 

“You look dead tired, come with me,” you said softly, and he stood up, following behind you. You peeked in on Gabriella who was asleep for the moment. When you got to the bedroom, you helped him out of his clothes and into some pajama pants and a tee shirt. “Get in bed, go to sleep. I’ll wake you up in a couple hours, so you can get some dinner because I have the feeling you haven’t eaten anything today,” You said. He crawled under the covers, laying his head down, but then Gabriella started crying, and you could hear it through the monitor. Rafael started to get up, and you leveled him with a sharp glare. “I’ve got it. Sleep,” you said, and he laid his head back down, falling asleep almost immediately. You shut the door, going to get your daughter from her crib. She was miserable obviously, and you felt awful for him. He hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before, and then a rough day today and he was in tears, thinking he was the worst father on the planet. After some rest, you figured he would probably feel much better. You pulled out one of the teething toys you’d picked up at the store, handing it to her, and she started gnawing on it, still fussy, but it occupied some of her attention. You started dinner then, making some pasta and a red sauce, and you threw some laundry in. by the time dinner was ready, Rafael had been asleep for three hours, and you didn’t really want to wake him, but you still had a few things to talk about and you wanted him to get some food. You went back into the bedroom, shaking him slightly. He didn’t react at all the first time, but the second time you shook him, he woke up, rubbing his eyes, “Dinner is ready baby,” you said softly, and he slowly got out of bed. You soothed Gabriella while he ate, but hearing her cry had him all upset again, and your heart ached as you saw him at the table, taking bites before he let his head drop, tears overwhelming him. 

“I want to fix it for her,” he whispered, “I want to help, but I feel so useless,” 

“We could try some baby Motrin,” you suggested, but he shook his head almost immediately. 

“No. We haven’t talked to her doctor about it,” he said. You sighed. He was probably right, but you wanted to help her right now. She was miserable. 

“Finish your food, I’m gonna get her something to munch on,” you said. You had a few of the teething toys cooling down in the fridge. She chewed on one of them, finally starting to get tired. She was asleep in your arms after that, and when you turned around, Rafael was asleep in his dinner. “Oh Rafael,” you whispered. You set Gabriella in her crib before gently easing him up, “Rafa, wake up sweetheart,” you whispered. Now he needed a shower to get pasta sauce out of his hair. He blinked a few times, seeming confused. You gently wiped his face off, and got him in a shower, meanwhile pouring yourself a huge glass of wine. You were ready to call it a night. Rafael looked better when he made it out of the shower, swaying tiredly on his feet, and you managed to get him in bed again where he totally passed out. You sat with him after that, rubbing his back as you laid in bed, sipping your wine and watching the tv on silent. He was snoring, curled up under the comforter. You wished he hadn’t gotten so upset about what happened with Gabriella. He was far too hard on himself when it came to her. You tried to remind him that he was only human, and everyone made mistakes, but he was so intent on holding himself to a higher standard. He overcompensated because of his own father. 

………………………..

You took the day off. Gabriella had been a nightmare. All night, and you didn’t have court, so you just called in sick. Rafael was still sleep come ten o’clock, and you were dealing with the sobbing baby, trying to let him get some rest and recover. Gabriella really was cranky, refusing to nurse. You got her to eat a little bit of cold applesauce though which made you feel better. You made an appointment with her pediatrician because you couldn’t have her in so much pain. Rafael wanted to check with them about the baby motrin, so that’s what you decided to do. “Ow,” she whispered, and you had to reign in your surprise, 

“I know sweetie, I know it hurts,” you murmured, getting her a fresh toy to chew on, 

“Mama,” he whined, sobbing, and it pulled at your heart. You rocked her and walked her around until a disheveled and bleary Rafael made an appearance, bursting through the bedroom door, 

“I overslept,” he said, sounding awful, “Shit, I overslept, he walked right past you, not looking over, right into her bedroom, and then he really started to freak out, “Where is she? She’s gone. Oh my God,” 

“Rafael,” you called, and he stopped. He poked his head out the door, looking at you holding Gabriella. He just walked over, looking so confused and plopped down in a chair, 

“I feel like I’m going crazy,” he whispered, “Why are you home, and why did you let me sleep this long?” 

“I called off sick babe,” you answered, “You needed the extra sleep, and Gabriella needed some cuddles,” 

“You don’t trust me with her anymore do you?” he whispered, and you shook your head, 

“Would you stop that. I trust you completely Rafa. I wanted you to rest up though. I made a doctor’s appointment for Gabriella, and we can go together, check out the baby Motrin,” you said, running a hand through the back of her hair, “And maybe right now, you could keep an eye on her, so I can get a shower,” He nodded, taking her into his arms, and you went and got yourself a nice, warm shower, washing off, cleaning your hair, and then toweling off once you got out. You dressed comfortably, and when you went back out, Gabriella was sleeping, perched on Rafael’s hip, and he was wiping some of the drool from her mouth, 

“She looks so tired,” he whispered, and you nodded, feeling awful for her. Finally, it came time to take her to her doctor’s appointment, and Rafael carried her car seat. You waited in the waiting room, hoping she would stay asleep at least until you made it into the exam room. She was bawling though within a few minutes, and you rocked her and carried her around. You were trying to give Rafael a break. 

Finally, they called your name and you took her back. Rafael sat with her on the exam table, holding her close and trying to ensure she stayed calm. When the nurse came in, they took her temperature, and a few standard things, but she was so miserable and cranky that she cried the whole time. Usually she was one of the calmer patients, but not today. Rafael looked heartbroken the whole time, his eyes shining with unshed tears. The doctor inspected her gums, and did a few easy tests to ensure she didn’t have anything else wrong with her. Rafael asked about the baby Motrin which you were told would be perfectly fine. He explained the dosages and Rafael wrote it down. On your way out, he looked so much better. You stopped at the store and picked up some medicine for her and then you headed home. Rafael got her to take it, and then she was fast asleep, catching up on what she’d lost before. You settled on the couch, Rafael in your arms as you watched some tv. “I’m sorry I freaked out,” he whispered, 

“No worries baby,” you said, rubbing your hand across his chest, “It’s scary when she’s feeling so bad. I know. You did everything right though,”

“Thank you so much,” he said, ‘Thank you for being here for me,” 

“I’ll always be here for you. Whatever you need,” you replied, 

“I’ll try not to lose it like that again though,” he said. You laughed. You were really proud of him for calming down since it happened and getting his head on right. He seemed to not be too upset which made you feel better about everything. 


	17. Chapter 17

You woke up, Rafael’s arms around you, your alarm beeping. He groaned softly, rolling over and shoving a pillow over his head. You laughed softly, knowing that if he did decided SVU was the place for him again, the early mornings would be killer. Rafael already hated mornings before he had gotten used to sleeping in. Mornings, in fact, were the bane of his existence. Often he would be crabby until he had at least two cups of coffee. Out of the two of you, you were definitely more of a morning person. He would have a hard time adjusting. You pulled the pillow from his face, pressing a kiss first to his forehead, and then he leaned up for a real kiss, “See you tonight,” you whispered, and he smiled, 

“Have a good day,” he murmured back, sleepily. You smiled, putting the pillow back in its place which earned you a soft laugh. You slowly got dressed after your shower, getting a cup of coffee and sneaking into Gabriella’s room. You blew her a kiss, afraid to wake her after it was so hard to get her to sleep at all. She was still in the throes of teething and very fussy almost constantly. Rafael seemed to be handling it better though thankfully. You just hoped he could last the day today without getting too upset. You couldn’t worry about it for long though as a big case was going to trial, and you needed to get to court early, and then you had a motions hearing for another case. Your day was going to be very busy. When you got to court, Sonny was waiting for you off to the side, 

“Y/N, I can’t find Kyler,” he said softly, and you blanched. He was your star witness. He was all you needed to wrap up this case, but without him, it was shaky at best. 

“What?” you asked, “Sonny, I need him,” 

“I know. I’ll see what I can do,” he said, disappearing out the door. You were worried now. You could push Kyler back on your witness list and pray that you would be able to find him. You went into the courtroom, feeling off kilter for your opening statement, but you managed. Afterwards, you called two witnesses, and the day was over. You called Sonny on the way out of the courtroom as you were heading to the motions hearing, but he was having no luck. Your hearing thankfully didn’t last too long, and you found yourself in a bar with Sonny grabbing a drink. “It’s like he disappeared off the face of the earth,” he whispered. 

You sighed, staring at your whiskey. Rafael would get a kick out of you drinking it, but you were feeling hopeless, and you definitely weren’t in the mood for another lecture from Jack McCoy. 

“Cheer up Y/N, it’ll turn out okay,” Sonny said softly, and you appreciated the soft hand on your back, “Is everything alright?” he asked. 

“No,” you whispered, feeling tears building up, “Poor Rafael has been home with Gabriella all by himself for the majority of this week, and she’s teething. This is exhausting, and when I get home, she’s asleep. I don’t get to spend as much time with her as I’d like, and Rafa is running himself ragged,” you admitted. Sonny wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer, 

“I could take him out to do something. Maybe get him out of the house for an evening. You could hang out with Gabriella, and I can hopefully get him to have some fun,” Sonny offered. 

“You’d do that?” you asked softly, and he nodded, “Thank you Sonny,” 

“Anytime sweetheart. You just gotta ask,” he replied. You were glad that Rafael might be able to get out and have some fun rather than being stuck alone all day in the house. He wasn’t socializing much besides with you, and you hoped he didn’t think that it was normal for him to have so little contact with adults. He was spending most of his time with a screaming child. You would be happy to have some time with her where you could just enjoy yourself and play with her like you didn’t usually get to. 

After drinks, you headed home, and Rafael was reading Gabriella a book. She was fussing, but overall she was doing pretty well. You smiled at him, and picked her up. “Hey babygirl,” you said softly, and she smiled, “Are you ready to go play at Aunt Liv’s house?” 

“Are you sure about this?” Rafael asked softly, “I don’t know--” 

“Liv said it was fine, and it’s just for a few hours Raf. You promised,” you said, and he nodded, 

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I just feel bad sticking Liv with her when she’s so upset,” he replied. You knew what he meant, but she had agreed, and you really wanted this night out with him. It had been awhile since you had some quality alone time. 

“Go get dressed,” you said, bouncing her and starting to pack her bag for Liv’s house. When Rafael was finished, you got ready yourself, and then you dropped Gabriella off at Liv’s apartment. You went out for a nice dinner, sitting and talking softly outside. You ordered some wine, and Rafael had iced tea. It was a nice, quiet dinner where you got to talk a lot. Rafael was picking at his steak when you decided to broach the subject of Sonny. “Hey baby,” you said softly, and he looked up expectantly, “Would you be interested in hanging out with Sonny?” 

“Carisi?” he asked, taking a bite, “Why?” 

“Cause I think it might be good for you to get out of the house Rafa,” you said softly. Rafael took another bite of his steak, shrugging his shoulders. 

“I guess it wouldn’t be so bad,” he said, and you smiled, “Do you think you could handle Gabriella for the evening with work stuff?” 

“Oh, yeah. I’ll make it work,” you replied. 

“So, what do you think about me returning to work?” he asked softly. You knew he had been thinking long and hard about all of it. He looked scared. 

“Rafa, if that’s what you want, I’ll support you every step of the way, but I can’t make that decision for you,” you said. He sighed, looking down. “It’s gonna be alright baby. You think about it,” 

“I’ve been thinking about it Y/N,” he whispered, “And I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m gonna be okay at work,” 

“Do you even want to do it anymore?” You asked. He shrugged, “Raf,” 

“Yes, okay. Yes I want to. I want to help people. I want to protect Gabriella the best way I know how, but I’m scared,” he finally admitted. 

“Being scared is okay,” You said gently, “But if you know you want to do it again, you need to try,” 

“You think?” He asked softly, and you nodded, 

“Rafael, I know that if you want to do it, you’ll figure it out,” you told him. He nodded. He looked a little more relaxed then. “I know you can do it baby, and if for some reason, after you try, you decide you don’t want to or you don’t like it, then you don’t have to do it anymore. You can resign,” 

“You’re right,” he whispered, “I know you’re right,” He smiled at you, and you smiled back, trying to be encouraging. Everything was so hard for him at the moment. He questioned every single decision, and he worried almost constantly about all of it. 

“Try not to stress about it right now. Maybe you can talk to Huang some more,” you said. He sighed. 

“Huang said that SVU might not be a good option for me,” he said, staring down at his plate. 

“Well Maybe Huang is wrong then,” you replied, “He didn’t tell you not to. He said maybe. He’s not a fortune teller,” 

“I know that, but if he has doubts, how can I not?” He whispered. 

“You can have doubts Rafa, but that doesn’t mean you don't try,” you told him. He sighed. He finished his dinner, and then you were heading home. 

“We have a bit until Gabriella is coming home,” he said softly, and you smiled, taking his hand. 

“Do you have something in mind Mr. Barba?” You asked, and he gave you a little smirk. He paid the cab driver and then you were heading into your apartment, Rafael’s hands already on you. 

“I like date night,” he whispered, with a silly smirk on his face. 

“I like date night too,” you mumbled just before he planted a kiss on your lips, backing you up to the wall and crowding you. 

“I’m gonna need you to get out of this shirt,” he whispered, and you smiled, letting him pull it over your head. Then he stripped off your shorts, tearing a second pair of panties in his haste. 

“You need to stop ripping my underwear,” you said with a laugh as he kissed you. He was too busy hiking you up to wrap your legs around his waist, and you giggled. He took just a few seconds to free himself from his pants and then he was in you, using the wall the stabilize. 

“I’ll buy you new ones,” he murmured against your neck, his hand groping your breast. He cupped your hip, pressing into you, harsh breathing against your skin. “You feel so good,” he whispered. “This is okay?” 

“Yeah,” you breathed. He shifted around for just a second before he started moving, hands holding tight to your legs. You let your head fall back, gasping as he pounded into you. “Oh God, Rafa,” you breathed. You could feel him smiling. He felt so sure, so steady, and it was like nothing had ever happened. 

“Shit,” he whispered, grunting softly as he picked up the pace. “Date night was definitely a good idea,” You laughed softly, gripping at his back. Your nails dug into his skin, but it didn’t even phase him. He just kept pushing into you over and over again, your leg wrapped around his thigh, pulling him in harder and faster until you both reached your peak. He stood there for a few minutes, face pressed against your shoulder, breathing hard until he finally pulled back and eased out. You felt shaky and wobbly on your feet. “You okay?” he asked softly, and you nodded, “Good. That was...we have to do that again,” he murmured. You laughed again, still holding onto him for some sense of stability. 

“I’ll go get Gabriella,” he offered, “You wait for me in the bedroom. I’m not done with you yet,” You nodded, pressing a kiss to his lips before heading back to the bed. It was going to be a late night.   
………………………  
Rafael was laying in the living room when there was a knock on the door. You were on the floor, playing with Gabriella who was crawling everywhere at lightning speed. She had really gotten the hang of it fast. She was flying around now, and Rafael would spend much of his day chasing after her. “Come to Mommy,” you whispered, “Come here Princess, come on,” Rafael stood up to go get the door, and when he returned, Sonny was by his side. 

“I guess we’re leaving,” he said softly, “Let me just get my wallet,” 

“Hey Sonny,” you said with a big smile. The detective smiled back at you, kneeling down to say hello to his God daughter. 

“Hey Gabi,” he said softly. 

“Unca Sonny,” she exclaimed, crawling towards him. You laughed a little bit at how happy she was to see him. You knew he spoiled her rotten. “Mama,” she called, sitting down between you, “Mama, apple sauce,” 

“Oh you’re hungry,” you said softly. She also was talking more and more, and you were getting better at deciphering her babbled phrases. “Okay, you sit with Uncle Sonny and I’ll get you some apple sauce cutie,” You went into the kitchen, and got her a little bowl of it, and on your way back into the living room, Rafael appeared and he pressed a kiss to your lips, 

“I guess I’ll see you later,” he said softly, and you nodded. 

“I love you. Have fun, and don’t drink too much,” you said, and he smiled, 

“I’ll be careful, I promise. I have Sonny to keep me in line,” he replied. He went into the living room and pressed a kiss to Gabriella’s forehead, “Love you princesa, I’ll see you later,” 

“Dada bye bye,” she said, and he grinned, 

“That’s right, but I’ll be back soon,” he replied. He handed her off to you, and pressed his lips to yours one more time before leaving with Sonny. You hoped he would have a really nice time.


	18. Chapter 18

It had been rough to get over the teething phase, but Gabriella finally made it through the first round to your and Rafael’s immense delight. Your workload was exhausting, but with all his help around the house, the two of you managed it. It was getting closer to when Rafael needed to make his decision though, and while you wished it would be easier for him, he couldn’t put it off any longer. He had an appointment with Huang in the morning to discuss it, and he had a meeting with the DA at the end of the week. He was nervous about it, and you knew it, but you hoped he understood it wasn’t a permanent decision. He just needed to give it a try. “Hey,” his voice startled you. He was at the door, coming in from reading Gabriella what was probably her third story of the night even though she was only supposed to get one. You had read her the first one, and gotten her in bed, but she had started throwing a fit, so in came Daddy to soothe her tears and read and sing and snuggle until she finally would go to sleep. She was walking around now, moving pretty well. Rafael had caught her first steps on video, thankfully when you were both home. She would run around the house, leaving him in her wake to chase her down if he could. More than once, you had come home to him kissing boo boos because she fell down or ran into the wall, and more often than not, he would be upset about it and worrying. He called George more than you liked to think about. 

“Is she finally sleeping?” you asked softly. He nodded, climbing under the covers, “How are you?” 

“Really tired,” he said softly, “And nervous about tomorrow. You know her pediatrician said we need to get her a toddler bed. She’s gonna climb out of the crib and fall down and die,” You smacked him in the arm, 

“Rafael, don’t say shit like that,” you said, shaking your head. 

“Well it’s how I feel,” he said softly, and you sighed, “I’m gonna take her to pick one out if that’s good with you,” 

“Yeah sure. That’s fine. After your appointment?” you asked, and he nodded. 

“Yeah I read that it’s important to let her pick the bed and the sheets and stuff,” he said softly, “I just hope she won’t be too bad about it,” 

“Well she’s stubborn so we’ll see,” you said with a laugh. Rafael nodded. 

“I don’t want to throw out her crib,” he whispered. 

“We don’t have to,” you replied, “We might have more right, so we should probably put it in storage,” 

“Yeah,” he said softly. He sounded upset though which had you worried. 

“Raf, are you okay?” you asked, and he shrugged, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the wall. That was how you knew he was crying. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him against you. “What’s going on?” 

“She’s so big,” he whispered, tears flowing faster now, “I-I feel like I blinked and now she’s one and soon she’ll be twenty,” 

“Rafael. Breathe,” you said softly, and he nodded, sniffling and wiping at his face, 

“I just love her so much,” he murmured, “And I want more time with her,” 

“It’s going to be okay. I promise. Just because she’s not a baby anymore doesn’t mean she isn’t still your little girl. She’s just past one Rafi. I know it’s tough, but there are upsides to every age,” you told him. He swallowed, but nodded. 

“You’re right,” he said softly, “But I hate it when she runs away from me or squirms out of my arms. She used to just sleep when I held her,” 

“It’s gonna be alright Raf. I promise,” you said softly, “You still have plenty of snuggles left. I promise,” He finally laid down with you, letting you hold him. You knew a lot this was fear, not just about Gabriella, but about work, and the nostalgia. Things were changing and Rafael didn’t like it, but you knew he could face it if he tried. You kissed his back, squeezing him close. 

“I’m kinda excited to talk to George tomorrow,” he said softly, and that made you happy. You wanted him to want to go back to work. You wanted him to enjoy it. 

“You’ll have to call me and tell me about it afterwards okay?” you said, and he nodded. You pressed your face against the back of his neck, shutting your eyes, and smiling. You were so proud of how far he’d come. 

……………………………………….

“I think I want to try it,” Rafael said softly. George was sitting in a chair across from him, writing things down on a notepad as Rafael spoke. 

“Well I’m glad to hear that you have some sort of decision,” George said softly, “Do you have concerns about returning to work?” Rafael shifted uncomfortable for a few minutes, trying to gather his thoughts. 

“I don’t want to get there and not be able to do it. I just...It’s something I love, something I’m proud of. I like helping people,” he said softly, “And if she gets to take that away from me….that’s not fair. And I worry about it. I don’t know how I’ll feel when people come in and tell me about being raped. I don’t know if I’ll remember my own assault. I don’t know how I’ll react,” 

“Does the uncertainty scare you?” George asked, and Rafael nodded, “But you feel comfortable giving it a try?”  

“Yeah. I do,” he said, “I am a little concerned about going back in my office. That’s where I was shot,”

“Have you been in there since?” George asked, and Rafael shook his head, 

“I’ve really only been in Y/N’s office since,” he said. 

“I can come with you the first time, and we’ll work through it,” George offered. Rafael felt a little better about it because of that. He was really feeling his stomach clenching and unclenching every time he even thought about going back to work. “You feel alright about all of this?” 

“Yeah,” he said softly with a loud sigh, “I’m just trying not to stress myself out too much even though I’m nervous,” 

“That’s good. I want to tell you something,” George said softly, “You are visibly better. When you and I first started therapy, you would barely talk. You would sit there and shake and tap your foot, make yourself small in the chair or on your couch. You couldn’t even sit in the waiting room, so we’d do therapy at your house. Look at yourself now. You’re sitting there, telling me all about how you’re feeling, you look relaxed. You are doing so well. Don’t lose sight of that. When you have setbacks, just remember how far you’ve come to get to this point,” Rafael felt himself getting emotional at that. He was so happy to know that he was making progress. He had been such a mess, he didn’t even know where to start putting his life back together. Now he was about to go to back to work, and he was grateful that things were starting to work out for him. 

“Thank you George. I wouldn’t be here without you,” he said softly. 

“You did all the work Rafael. I’ve just been here to guide you through it,” he replied, “And I am very proud of you. I’ll meet you at the DA’s office next week?” he said, and Rafael nodded. 

“I should be starting next Monday. I hope,” he said, standing up. He scooped up Gabriella who was playing blocks in the corner by herself. 

“Daddy,” she said with a big smile on her face. He grinned, “Go. Daddy, Go,” 

“Alrighty princess. We’re gonna go get your bed now,” he said softly, carrying her out. She was energetic, bouncing around happily in his arms. 

“Bed. Bed. Bed. Daddy,” She babbled, and he laughed. Sometimes she would come out with full sentences and shock him, but usually it was disjointed or random words thrown together. When they got to the store, she ran ahead, pulling on his arm, and he had to scoop her up and go to the bed section. She spent forever looking at them, and he knew you thought it should just be something simple, but when she pointed out the decked out princess bed with a slide, he was having trouble. He knew he should say no, but those little eyes, and he had told her she could pick it. 

“You’re gonna get me in so much trouble,” he whispered, grabbing it off the shelf, and putting it in the cart. She cheered happily though and then they were off to get sheets. He thought that pink sheets would be the way to go, but she made a grumpy face at him when he grabbed them. “You don’t like the pink?” he asked, and she shook her head, “Well what do you want then, hmmm, you silly goose,” 

“Daddy,” she said, and he frowned. 

“What sheets do you want sweetheart,” he repeated. 

“Daddy.” she said again. His brow furrowed. 

“You want….Daddy sheets?” he asked, and she nodded. He couldn’t help but laugh softly, “I love you,” he said with a grin. You can get sheets like Daddy’s, but I don’t think we’ll have any luck with sheets that have Daddy’s face on them. Even though those would be great,” She giggled and clapped. He found some sheets that vaguely resembled ones that you had, and he threw the pink ones in too, hoping she would be satisfied. As he was heading out to pay for everything, she spotted a stuffed elephant and started throwing a fit. 

“Elphant! Daadddyyy,” she said, sobbing, and again, he puppy dog eyes were too much for him. He grabbed the toy, putting it in her hands and then he paid for everything, finally heading towards your office for a lunch surprise. 

………………………..

A knock on the door startled you from your work. You were eating and reading a brief all at once, but you immediately set everything down when you saw Rafael and your rambunctious daughter smiling at you. “Mommy!” she yelled, squirming until Rafael set her down, and she ran to you. You hugged her tight. 

“Hey baby, did you get a bed?” you asked softly. 

“Princess bed,” she exclaimed. Your eyes went wide, and you peeked up at Rafael who was blushing and averting his eyes. Oh boy. 

“Well that sounds like fun sweetheart,” you said, giving Rafael the ‘we’ll talk later’ look.

“An Daddy bought me Elphant,” she said, and you looked to him again. 

“You got her an elephant?” you asked, and he shook his head. 

“A stuffed elephant cariño. I’m not that bad,” he said, rolling his eyes, “I’m gonna have to teach you how to keep secrets you little goofball. She threw a fit in the store,” 

“And you gave her what she wanted?” you asked with a sigh. He just shrugged his shoulders, and honestly, your shouldn’t have been surprised one bit, “We’ll deal with this later,” you said, “How was your appointment?” 

“Good,” he said, taking a seat, “George said he’d come and help me go in my office on Monday,” 

“That’s great Rafa. I think that will be helpful,” you said, and he smiled. 

“You wanna go for a walk?” he asked, and you nodded, appreciating the opportunity to go out in the fresh air. 

………………………

Rafael felt his stomach fluttering. He couldn’t ignore it. He was starting to get a headache, so he took a couple advil, brushing his teeth and stripping down to just his boxers. He could barely sit there and think without remembering how nervous he was. His suit for the next day was lain out, waiting for him. The coffee was brewing. Gabriella was going to spend some time with Noah and Lucy for now, and he felt comfortable with that. You had been the one to say no to Gabriella’s princess bed once you saw it, insisting that the transition was going to be hard enough without a slide and the loft aspect, so she ended up with a cute little wooden one. She had only thrown a fit for the first day. She wasn’t sleeping in it yet, but Rafael was planning on working with her on that. As he went into the bedroom, he saw you getting into bed, and he sighed. He knew you’d be there for him tomorrow when he needed you, and he was happy that you would be there. He was going to need you. He crawled in bed, rolling over to face the wall, and he relaxed when your arms wrapped around him. “You’re going to do great tomorrow Rafa,” you said softly, and he nodded, but he still felt rock solid in your arms like he was more nervous than ever before. You just hoped that by the morning, he’d calm down some. 


	19. Chapter 19

His alarm went off first. Rafael slowly sat up, sitting at the edge of the bed and rubbing his face. Mornings. He hated mornings, always had. He stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom, turning the water as hot as it would go. As he stood under the scalding spray, he thought about the day ahead, and how he was going to make it through. He washed his hair, soaped up his body, and as he climbed out, he suddenly started to feel sick to his stomach. He ended up bent over the toilet bowl, retching. When he heard the door opening behind him, he wanted to turn and look at you, but he threw up again instead, “Hey,” you whispered, running your fingers through his hair, “It’s gonna be alright. You’re gonna be fine,” A few more minutes of him puking and then he was sagging against the wall, 

“Damn,” he whispered, but you just held him close. 

“It’s gonna be okay. I promise,” you murmured, kissing the top of his head. He finally felt well enough to get up to his feet, brush his teeth, shave, do his hair. He wasn’t even out the door and he felt exhausted. While you were in the shower, he got dressed and drank a cup of coffee before going to get Gabriella up. He needed to drop her at Liv’s on his way to work. She was sleepy, and very fussy, crying when he tried to get her dressed. 

“No Daddy!” she exclaimed, wriggling out of his arms and fleeing from the room without any clothes on. He hung his head for a moment, trying not get upset or frustrated before chasing after her. He rounded the corner, seeing you standing there, having scooped her up into your arms. 

“Were you running away from Daddy?” you asked, and she hid her face against your shoulder, “Mhmm, that’s what I thought,” you said softly, “You get your little behind back in your room and let Daddy get you dressed,” She pouted the whole way to her bedroom. Rafael tried to get her dressed again, but she just started crying. 

“Help me out here princesa, what’s the problem?” he asked softly. She sniffled. 

“No dress,” she said, and he sighed. 

“This was all cause you don’t want to wear a dress?” he asked, and she nodded, “Well what do you want to wear then?” He let her dig through the drawer and pick out an outfit, and even though it didn’t match at all, he still helped her into it. “Alrighty, we’re gonna go to Aunt Liv’s house and spend the day with Noah,” 

“No Daddy,” she said softly, clinging to him, “Want you,” 

“Gabriella,” he sighed, “Daddy has to go to work,” 

“No work,” she said, and he hung his head. He grabbed Jesús, preparing to a meltdown later when he tried to leave. You smiled at him as you got ready to leave, and then you were off to Liv’s house. Gabriella was happily playing with Rafael’s tie on the way there, but when you got upstairs, she started throwing a fit. 

“Gabriella,” you said softly, “Daddy will come pick you up later. It’s going to be okay,” She sobbed though, Rafael looked heartbroken. He set her down, but she chased after him, grabbing his leg and clinging. 

“Hey, hey princesa, no. I’ll see you later,” he said softly, “You’re just gonna play with Noah today. It’ll be alright,” 

“No Daddy, no,” she sobbed. Lucy took her, holding her tight as you guided him out the door. He was tearing up as you went back down to the car. 

“It’s gonna be alright Rafa. She’ll be absolutely fine,” you said, and he nodded. 

“I know that….it’s just...I hate seeing her cry,” he finally admitted, and you nodded, knowing exactly how he felt. 

“She’s probably stopped already,” you said, and he just sighed, seemingly unconvinced. The closer you got to work, the more Rafael tensed up. He seemed very anxious, and you wished he didn’t. You got coffee, just like old times, but Rafael was too distracted to insist on paying. George met you outside of the office, and Rafael stood there, taking a deep breath. On the way through security, people waved at him, and he waved back, a tense smile on his face. He followed you down the hallways, running into more people. You could feel the staring, hear the whispering, but Rafael was doing alright at ignoring it. He really started to shake as you approached his office though. He stood there for a good couple minutes, just breathing, talking himself into going in. 

Rafael stared at the door. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. He stood there so long, unmoving until George came up behind him, “I’m right here Rafael, let’s take a step inside,” Rafael nodded, but he couldn’t get his legs to work. He took a shaky step finally, George there to help him, and he pushed the door open. A thousand emotions hit him at once. The carpet was new, bloodstains gone, and for that we was very grateful. The memory of all the years he had worked there filled his mind, and he felt overwhelmed for a moment. He looked back to you, and you nodded softly, so he took another step in. It felt strangely familiar and foreign all at once, and he walked in, trying to keep himself calm. He was doing alright until he heard a loud noise from the hallway. Someone probably just dropped their phone, but it was enough. The room suddenly smelled. It smelled metallic, coppery like blood, and when he looked down, he was covered in it, hole in his chest. He couldn’t breathe. The blood was rising from the floor, swallowing him up and drowning him. He was gasping for air, shaking. He wanted to scream, but nothing would come out of his mouth--

“Rafael. Listen to me, you’re okay. I want you to look around this room and find me one object for each color of the rainbow. You think you can do that for me?” That was George’s voice penetrating the fog that was his mind. Rafael tried, he tried hard, but red….everything looked red, and he was drowning again, grabbing for his arms, scratching, digging his nails in until some of the white hot panic receded, and then he could see the colors. Green book, yellow curtains, orange pencil on his desk. He could breathe. He was okay. He tried to calm himself down, but it felt like his heart was beating out of his chest. He could feel tears streaming down his face, and then george’s hand was on his back, warm and comforting, steering him to his chair. He leaned his head down, sobbing, and George knelt beside him, “You’re doing great Rafael, do your breathing. I know you can calm yourself down,” Rafael nodded, and tried his exercises, the panic starting to go away once more. He started to calm down, to stop crying. You were right there, there to hold his hand, and everything was going to be alright. He could get through this. He wiped at his eyes, sitting up straight, 

“What--what am I doing today?” he asked softly, 

“You’ll just have one case at a time to start,” you said, “And I’ve got the rest. I’ll help you when you want it, and I’ll be in court with you. We’re just gonna ease you back in,” 

“Okay,” he whispered, “I think I can do this,” 

“I know you can Rafael. I know you can,” you said, and he smiled at that. He was still sniffling, so you got him a tissue, and he thanked you softly for it. 

………………………………………….

You had left. He was all alone now, paging through a law book until someone brought him a case. He felt like he was just sitting there twiddling his thumbs. Finally, his cell started buzzing, and Liv was calling him. He picked up, talking with her for a few minutes before he stood, grabbing his jacket. He was needed at the squad room. He gulped, preparing himself for the worst. He walked over to your office, poking his head in. You were in there with one of the interns who had been talking about him. Rafael forced himself to not blush or feel ashamed. The student shrunk back visibly just seeing Rafael. “Um, Y/N, I’m going to the SVU precinct. I don’t know if you want to come as well or….” 

“Yeah, just give me one second,” you said. He stepped out of the room, waiting for you. You were only a few more minutes, and then you were leaving together, catching a cab over there. When he walked in, instead of a criminal waiting for him, there was a big cake, and everyone was yelling surprise, and Rafael couldn’t help but grin. 

“Thank you guys,” he said softly, looking up, “I really appreciate it,” 

“Of course Raf,” Liv said, smiling. He had a piece of cake and talked with everyone who thankfully acted normal around him. Just as they were wrapping up though, someone came into the office, and things had to get moving again. Rafael ended up staying to watch an interrogation, and left with the promise of Liv calling him later about it. He went back to the office, and sat with you inside, brainstorming case ideas. This part was easy. He knew how to ask questions, and he helped you think about it. What he was nervous about was witness prep, working with victims again, and everything that had to do with that. Sitting in your office, talking about questions over a cup of coffee was simple. The intern slipped into the room again, doing some filing over in the cabinet. 

“You know,” you said softly, and his attention turned to you, “Liv was telling me the other day about your first SVU case,” Rafael couldn’t help but laugh. That felt like eons ago, another lifetime.

“Back when I was young and promising?” he joked, and you laughed. 

“How did you even get Cain to choke you with a belt?” you asked. Rafael smiled. 

“Determination. You know me. I always get what I want,” he said with a smirk. 

“You worked on the Adam Cain case?” the intern’s voice was soft from behind him, and Rafael felt a smug sense of satisfaction at the question. 

“I was the lead on the Adam Cain case,” he said softly, “And I put away two Johns for raping a prostitute in Brooklyn right before that….” he paused, “And who are you?” The intern didn’t answer, “You think you could get me some coffee?” the kid looked at him wide-eyed, like he was unsure if Rafael was serious. You tried to hold in a laugh. “Today please,” the young man scurried off to get the coffee, and Rafael was laughing to himself. 

“You’re bad Rafael Barba,” you said softly. 

“Bad to the bone,” he replied, snickering. 

………………………………..

He had thought it was going to be a good day. He was wrong. At twelve twenty-six, the shit hit the fan. Rafael got a call from Liv, about a case, and he rushed to the precinct. He had to sit through an hour of disclosure. At first, he kept his cool, hand tight on the windowsill, grounding him, but as it went on, he slowly unraveled. He couldn’t breathe. He put a hand over his mouth, trying to stifle the sobs, but Liv noticed immediately. “Okay Rafa, it’s okay,” she whispered, steering him to a couch, “Just try and breathe,” He couldn’t stop though. He couldn’t stop thinking about what happened to him, and how the boy in there had to feel. He felt like he was going to throw up again, and everything was so fucked up. He was never going to be himself ever again. He hated that someone could strip away something so dear to him. He hated her. He hated himself. “Hey. No. Stop freaking out. Just breathe,” He shut his eyes and forced himself to count his breaths, but he still hated everything. He wanted to scream and throw a fit, but instead, he sat there and let Liv pull him close so he could sob. 

………………………..

As soon as you were home, you were steering Rafael into bed. He was a mess. He had been doing so well, but his melt down at the precinct got to him, and he was getting a migraine from all the stress. The tears still stained his cheeks. He laid down on his side, sniffling and mostly acting despondent. You were going to talk to him after he got a nap, and you put Gabriella down. She was looking pretty happy considering all things. You got her some dinner, but when you went to put her in the bath, she refused. “Hey,” you said softly, looking into those familiar, stubborn, green eyes. “You need a bath little miss,” 

“I want Daddy,” she said, and you sighed, “Daddy,” she started screaming, and you were getting fed up. Rafael stumbled from the bedroom, rubbing his eyes blearily. He waved at her before collapsing to his knees to throw up. Your heart hurt for him. He needed some meds and water. “Gabriella, give Daddy a hug while Mommy goes to get him some medicine,” you said. She toddled up to him, wrapping her chubby arms around him and and smiled, looping and arm around her. “Love you Daddy,” she said, and you saw Rafael start to tear up. When you returned, he gratefully took his medicine before going back to the bedroom. Gabriella finally let you put her in the tub, and to bed. 

When you finally made it to bed, Rafael was fast asleep, and you figured you’d talk to him about it tomorrow morning. You wrapped an arm around him, holding him close as you fell asleep. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here's the next chapter. Enjoy guys. I'm seriously starting to freak out about The Waves :):):)

Dropping Gabriella off the second day wasn’t much better than the first, and Rafael was in tears again on the way to the office. He wiped them away quickly though, obviously trying to calm down and relax. He had slept all night, waking up migraine free thankfully. When you got to the office, you had a million things to do, and you had a few things you had to take care of immediately. Rafael sat in your office, helping with what he could. He was mostly not doing much though which seemed to frustrate him. You sent him out to get lunch eventually, trying to occupy his time. Liv showed up while he was gone, and you pulled her aside, “What the hell were you thinking calling Rafael in on that case yesterday?” you asked angrily. How could she have thought bringing him into a child rape case would be a good idea? 

“You said to give him the next case,” Liv said, “Rollins and Carisi didn’t bother to give me the rundown before they showed up. I had already called him,” You ran a tired hand over your face, 

“He spent all of last night in bed. He had a migraine, and he was throwing up,” you whispered, feeling exhausted by all of it. 

“Maybe you should take this case then,” she said softly. 

“No,” Rafael’s voice startled you. He was back. He came in the room, “I’m not some five year old that you can talk about,” 

“Raf, I’m sorry-” 

“No. You aren’t taking my case. I want to help him,” he whispered, tears filling his eyes. “I need to do this. You need to let me,” 

“Are you sure Rafa?” you asked softly, “You don’t have to jump into the fire. You could ease in,” 

“I’m tired of being coddled. I’m tired of being broken. Just let me do this case,” he was clenching his fist, looking alarmed and upset. You stood up, putting a hand on his shoulder, 

“Okay sweetheart, alright. If you think you can handle it, then I’m not going to stop you,” you said, “If you feel overwhelmed, you have to tell me right away,” He nodded, setting the food down on the desk before wiping at his eyes. 

“Well then I guess I’m here to talk to you Rafa. We’re talking to the boy’s baseball coach, and it looks like a good lead,” she said, “I think I’m gonna need you to come down for the interview,” Rafael nodded, digging his sandwich from the bag before following her out to her car. 

………………………..

Rafael was smiling on the way home. “What are you so happy about?” you asked. 

“I am gonna nail this son of bitch. The DNA evidence is at the lab,” he said, “I think I’ll have an arraignment by Thursday,” 

“Baby, great job! I am so proud of you for today,” you said, and he beamed. Once you picked up Gabriella, you headed home, and Rafael got dinner from down the street. She was hyper, running around with you and giggling. When Rafael was eating, Gabriella climbed up in his lap, opening her mouth, and he gave her a few bites. You laughed at them, watching as she smiled and cuddled with her Daddy. You found their relationship just precious. “Hey Rafa,” you said softly, and he looked up at you, “Would it be okay, now that you’re working too, if I did bathtime?” you asked, and he frowned. 

“Of course cariño,” he said, swallowing, “Please don’t tell me you were nervous to ask me that,” 

“Raf,” you whispered, and he flinched, “It’s just that I don’t want you to feel like I’m taking things away from you,” 

“Never feel like that Y/N, she’s your daughter too,” he said gently, and you nodded, “We might want to ease her into this change though. She seemed pretty upset last night cause she’s used to me giving her baths,” 

“Yeah, maybe tonight we could do it together,” you said, and he nodded. 

“I love you,” he whispered, and you said it back, grateful to have such a loving husband. When you did bathtime, you were kneeling beside the tub, Rafael seated on the edge. He showed you how he usually washed her hair, and she liked to hold a washcloth over her eyes when he poured the water. It made you smile to watch him. She was happily splashing around and playing with toys the whole time, managing to soak both of you to the bone. Rafael chuckled, letting you pull her out of the tub, and you wrapped her up in her little towel with a hood. He took her to the bedroom for bedtime, and you watched from the doorway. First he talked with her softly about the toddler bed. You were going to give it a try tonight. After that, he sat in the rocking chair, her on his lap, and he read her a story. After the story, she laid in bed, under the covers, and he read her a second book. By the end of that, she was fading, and he kissed her forehead before sneaking out of the room and turning off the light. You smiled at her little face in the dark, her arm clutching Jesús to her. You sat with Rafael on the couch, watching a movie, his arms around you, and you smiled. For once, things seemed to be back to normal.

……………………………

He had been out cold, laying on his stomach, arm over the side of the bed, but a little hand started smacking it. He grunted. Again, his arm was swinging back and forth. He opened one eye and saw Gabriella standing beside the bed, giggling, and he groaned loudly. He sat up, “What are you doing here Princess?” he asked softly, and she just smiled at him. He sighed, picking her up and heading back to her room. He sat her down on the bed, “You need to go to sleep you silly goose,” he said softly. Gabriella just smiled and laughed. “I’m serious,” She jumped off the bed, grabbing for some toys, 

“Daddy play,” she said, and he shook his head, 

“It’s time to go to sleep,” he said, “Daddy will cuddle you for a bit, but you need to go to sleep,” She sighed at him, and it reminded him of something you might do which made him laugh. He picked her up and sat down on the bed, holding her close. “You think you can lay still with Daddy for awhile and close your eyes?” He asked, and she nodded. Rafael laid down with her, his arms around her, holding her close to him. 

“Daddy?” she whispered,

“Hmm baby?” He asked softly. 

“Why leave?” She asked. He felt bad. He should have talked with her about this, and he hoped she didn’t feel like he abandoned him, 

“I have work sweetie,” he said, “I’ll always come home to you though. I love you very much, and that’s never gonna change,” 

“Love too Daddy,” she whispered, “And Mommy,” 

“Mommy is pretty great,” he said softly, kissing her hair, “Did you have fun with Noah and Lucy?” 

“Fun but miss you,” she whispered, yawning. He smiled, 

“I miss you too,” he said. He started to feel tired, drifting off, and holding her close. 

………………….

“Rafael,” he groaned. You were shaking his shoulder, trying to wake him up from where he was passed out in Gabriella’s bed. You wondered where he had gotten off to when you woke up and the shower wasn’t running. His alarm was going off continuously. You found him curled up in Gabriella’s bed, fast asleep, her zonked out in his arms. You were glad she at least slept in her bed as she’d been resistant to it from the beginning. You shook him again, and finally he blinked at you sleepily. “You have to get up sweetheart,” you said softly, and then his eyes went wide, 

“Shit,” he hissed, and then he covered his mouth, looking down at Gabriella who was thankfully still asleep, “What time is it?” 

“Late, get up,” you said, and he carefully extracted himself from her bed, “How did you end up in here?” you asked, 

“She woke me up last night. She wanted to play,” he said with a laugh, and you smiled. When he looked at the time, he shook his head, “Damn it, guess we’ll have to shower together,” he said, and you couldn’t help but laugh at him. You did get in together, but you didn’t have time for anything. It was quick and efficient, and then he was doing his hair and getting dressed. You took care of getting Gabriella dressed. She was too sleepy to put up a major fight over the outfit you picked. You got out the door just in time, and Rafael ran her up to Noah’s. He was smiling when he came back down, “She was asleep. I just put her on the couch,” 

“Hey, look at you smarty pants. I like this new toddler bed,” you said, and he laughed. You loved watching him smile and be happy. You just hoped it would last. 

…………………………..

You woke up to him shaking. He was thrashing about in the bed, sweat glistening his forehead, “No! Please,” he mumbled, and you felt tears prick your eyes. Nightmares. You sat up, trying to gently wake him up without startling him or getting punched. You put a hand on his shoulder, shaking him just gently, 

“Rafa,” you whispered, “Baby, wake up,” He jerked around again, sounding like this throat was blocked, 

“No,” he gasped, “Papi, don’t,” 

“Rafael,” you tried again, rubbing your hand over his sweat soaked skin. He looked pale and distressed, tears already staining his cheeks. You knew this case was going to be too much for him. “Raf,” He finally opened his eyes, breathing heavily. He sat up, looking confused until he started sobbing and you held him close, “Hey, shhh, just breathe through it. You’re safe now,” He didn’t say anything, but your name in a soft, little, watery voice that made your heart ache. You rocked him, rubbing his back and soothing him. He started to calm down until you saw a little figure at the door, and you sighed, “Gabriella, sweetheart, do you need something?” you asked. She took a few more steps in, rubbing her eyes, clutching her teddy in one hand as it dragged behind her. She looked upset when she came over to the bed, 

“Daddy,” she said softly, her voice confused, “Why sad daddy?” He just curled up against you, and you stroked the back of his head. She looked even more upset at that. “Daddy,” she tried again. He sniffled, looking back at her, and then he pressed his face against your shoulder, looking distressed, 

“I don’t want her to see me like this,” he said softly. 

“I can take her back to bed, but I’m gonna have to leave you alone for a bit,” you said, but he shook his head. 

“No, stay,” he said, holding tight to you. 

“Okay, just let go of me for a second,” you said, and he nodded. You lifted Gabriella up onto the bed, and she immediately went to Rafael, 

“Daddy,” she whispered, “Why sad?” 

“M’good princess,” he mumbled, but it wasn’t convincing at all,” 

“No sad Daddy,” she said, and she wrapped her arms around him. He held tight to her and you wrapped your arms around him. He was sobbing. 

“Shhh, Rafa, it’s okay,” you whispered. He sniffled some more before he finally pulled away, sitting at the edge of the bed. Gabriella went to hug him again, but you grabbed her arm. His body language screamed ‘don’t touch.’ “Just give Daddy a minute Gabriella,” you said softly, “Are you okay?” 

“No sleep,” she said softly, “Sleep here?” 

“Just tonight,” you whispered, not having the energy to try and put her back to bed. 

“Daddy?” she asked after a second, and Rafael tensed up, 

“Yes?” he asked, his voice hoarse, 

“Want Jesús?” she asked, and he laughed softly, a tear-filled noise. You let go of her, and she slowly approached him, holding out Jesús. He took the prized teddy bear, and sniffled, “No sad Daddy,” 

“Thank you sweetheart,” he whispered. 

“Do you need anything Rafael?” you asked, and he shook his head, 

“It’s just that disclosure today got to me,” he said, “I’ll be alright though,” 

“How about some tea? Does that sound okay?” you asked, and he finally nodded, so you went to make him some tea. He sipped at it in bed, and Gabriella laid between you. She fell asleep quickly, and Rafael just ran his hand over her hair, 

“She’s so adorable,” he said softly, 

“She wanted to help you,” you said, “She loves you,” 

“I know she does,” he whispered, holding onto Jesús, “She’s my light, and you’re my rock,” 

“I love you Rafa,” you said softly, 

“I love you too,” he whispered, leaning over to kiss you, “And I’m going to make it through this,” You squeezed his arm, hoping it was comforting. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg after months, here's the next chapter....thanks for being patient with me through a tough time. I really lost all motivation for this story, and when I was having a hard time daily, I didn't have the energy to push myself to write it. Now that I'm doing better, and hopefully, I'll be able to finish this up soon. With school, I'm not sure how regular updates will be, but we'll see. Hope you guys enjoy, and as always, I'd love comments if you have them :)

“Your honor, that’s completely ridiculous,” Rafael said, feeling his throat starting to tighten up. You were sitting right behind him, and he reminded himself of that, trying to keep calm. 

“I’m sorry Mr. Barba, but I will not tolerate police violence,” she said, and he was going to lose his head. 

“The suspect ran your honor, the detectives were giving chase,” he argued, but she had already made her decision. 

“Mr. Parsons, you’re free to go,” the judge said softly, and Rafael felt his face turning red, 

“You can’t just let a  _ pedophile _ piece of shit like him go. The detectives were giving chase your honor. He fell, hit his head. He ran,” he was approaching the bench, and she looked mad. 

“Raf-” he heard your voice, but he ignored it, 

“If you let him go, the next little boy is going to be on your head,” he growled.

“Mr. Barba, step back from the bench,” she said lowly and he narrowed his eyes, 

“Or what!? You’ll hold me in contempt? I have nothing but contempt for this joke of a court,  _ your honor _ ,” he spat. 

“Bailiff, please take Mr. Barba into custody for contempt,” she said, smacking her gavel down, and then some random guy was grabbing him, and he started struggling. You stood up, looking worried, 

“Rafael, please calm down,” you said softly, not wanting him to injure himself while struggling, “Please just let them take you down to the holding cell, I’ll be there to bail you out,” He finally stopped, breathing heavily, and they took him into custody, pushing him through the door far too roughly for your liking. “Your honor,” you said softly, “I’m so sorry about that. He just got back after--” she cut you off, 

“I know Y/N,” she said, “And I won’t hold it against him, but I can’t have that in my courtroom,” 

“Of course,” you said, sighing in relief. 

…………………………….

Rafael felt miserable as they locked him up in the little jail cell, all alone. He didn’t regret what he said at all, but he did regret not being able to get justice for that little boy or his parents. Oh God, he had to tell the parents that their son’s molester was going free. He felt tears starting to build up in his eyes. He failed. That little boy would never have the closure Rafael wanted to provide. He wanted to make a difference. He couldn’t hold back the wet sobs that finally broke free, and then he was crying, all alone, wishing you were there. He wiped at his eyes, trying to stop. He needed to pull himself together, but he couldn’t. 

When you finally got there, and they opened the door for him, you pulled him into your arms, “Rafael, Jesus Christ,” you whispered, “It’s okay, come on,” He sobbed, letting you lead him out of there and to a bench, 

“They let him go,” he whispered. 

“I know,” you said softly, kneeling down in front of him,

“I didn’t….” 

“It wasn’t your fault Rafa,” you said softly, “There was nothing you could have done differently,” 

“I know, it’s just, they let him go,” he said, and you sighed,

“You know things don’t always work out,” you whispered, stroking his cheek, “You just need to breathe and get ready for the next case,” 

“I want to win this case,” he said softly, “But the detectives had to screw that up,” 

“We can talk with Liv babe,” you said, “But that’s it. I’m sorry,” He seemed to be in a tough spot, furiously angry, but at the same time, he wanted to cry. “Now come on, let’s go back to the office, and you need to try and calm down,” He sniffled, cuddling into your side, and you draped your arm over his shoulders in the back of the cab. 

“I wanted this….I wanted to win the first one,” he whispered. 

“I know you did Rafa, but I think something can be said for not winning and being alright with that,” you said softly. 

“How am I supposed to be alright with that bastard going free,” he asked, wiping at his eyes. 

“You aren’t okay with that part, I know, but you have to realize and accept that you did what you could Rafael. It wasn’t your fault the case fell through,” you said softly. He hung his head, knowing you were right. It was hard for him to feel remotely okay with the outcome. 

…………………………………………..

Rafael was sitting in the rocking chair, Gabriella in his lap, leaning against him. He smoothed her wild hair down onto her head. She was squirming and giggling, and he wasn’t sure why she had so much energy late at night. He was reading her a book, rocking her back and forth, but she was paying more attention to his tee shirt, wringing her little hands in the fabric and smiling up at him. He couldn’t stop the smile from breaking out across his face, “Why are you so hyper tonight mija?” he murmured, “Hmm,” 

“Daddy, play,” she said softly, and he couldn’t help but laugh. 

“What do you want to play?” he asked, and she smiled, scrambling up to her feet, little toes digging into his thighs, arms grabbing at his shoulders. Her little hands went to his cheeks, and she looked right into his eyes, 

“Love Daddy,” she whispered, “No sad. Play princess,” 

“I love you too chica, always,” he promised, pulling her close for a hug. She always somehow knew what he needed, “You want to play princess?” he asked, and she nodded, “How about we get you in that princess dress, and I’ll read you a book?” She was so adorable. He was so terrible at saying no, and he figured cutting a deal might be the best course of action. 

She sighed dramatically, “Kay Daddy,” she said, going to her closet and pulling out the princess dress he bought her. He helped her get into it, and she was grinning at him, reaching for him. He couldn’t resist her. He picked her up, setting her down on her bed, 

“Get under the covers sweetheart,” he said, tucking the blankets around her. She listened as he read her a second book, He was going to stand up and leave, but she was still wide awake, 

“More Daddy,” she said softly, and he sighed. He picked up another book. As he read the third story of the night, she started to get drowsy, and he was going to try and sneak out when her little voice rang out in the darkness, “Thirsty Daddy,” He couldn’t possibly leave her there if she was thirsty. He picked her up, taking her to the kitchen and getting her a drink of water, “Hungry,” she said then, so he got her a small snack. Then she had to brush her teeth again before she got into bed. Another book. She was still hyper though, so he smiled and tried rocking her in the chair. 

“How many books have you read?” your voice startled him, and he blushed, 

“Like five,” he whispered. You shook your head at him, 

“It is way past your bedtime Mister, and you little miss,” you said and he laughed, “You little sneak, you know you have Daddy wrapped right around your little finger don’t you,” She giggled, and you shook your head, “Time to get in bed,” She made a pouty face at you, but that wasn’t going to work. She finally did as she was told, climbing under the covers with Rafael’s help. He kissed her forehead, and you did too, telling her goodnight and shutting the door. You laughed at him. “You let her control you so easily,” 

“I know,” he whispered, “But she just looks so sad if I say no,” You grabbed his hand,  leading him back to your bedroom,

“You are such a softy Rafa, but I love you all the more for it,” You said, stroking his cheek. He sighed, starting to pull off his socks. He was seated on the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched, 

“I guess I can’t do anything right today, can I?” he whispered, keeping his head down. 

“No, don’t say that,” you murmured, wrapping your arms around him, “You did great in court today. I personally enjoyed hearing you yell at the judge,” 

“I’m gonna yell at the detectives tomorrow,” he said softly, and that made you smile. 

“So you’re going back?” You asked, and he nodded, 

“This hurts, but there are more cases,” he whispered, and you were really glad to hear that from him. He had so much going on, but he was going to get through it. You knew he could. 

“Here, come here, lay down,” you whispered. He did as you asked, settling back on the bed, and you ran your hands over his thighs, looking up to his eyes. He swallowed but nodded. You smiled, pulling his boxers down, and leaning down to press a kiss to the tip of his cock. He shivered, eyes fluttering shut. “You have had a rough week, settle back and let me take care of you,” He nodded, relaxing as you licked a stripe up his shaft. He was gasping and making little noises as you bobbed up and down, fondling his balls. 

“Jesus Y/N, you’re the best,” he mumbled. 

“I know,” you whispered with a laugh. He was wound up, and it didn’t take long for you to make him come. He looked a lot more relaxed after that, peering over at you with dark eyes. “Feel any better?” you asked, and he nodded. “Good, I’m gonna wash up. You better get some sleep. I’ll be right back,” He nodded again, closing his eyes. When you came back, his eyes were closed, but he snuggled closer to you when you wrapped your arms around him. “Good night baby,” you said softly. 

“Good night Y/N,” he replied. 

…………………………

You were at the precinct, talking with Liv when everyone stared at the door. “Um, hey guys,” Rafael’s voice was slightly self-conscious. He was holding a cup of coffee, dressed in a navy suit. 

“Hey handsome,” you said. He smiled, coming closer, 

“So what’s going on?” he asked, “Why’d you call me?” 

“We picked up another case,” Liv said, “And I thought after what happened yesterday, you’d want to get back in the saddle,” 

“Sure, fill me in,” he said, taking a seat. 

“Vic is twenty-one, college student. He was attacked by a professor,” Liv said. Rafael sighed softly. You put a hand on his back,

“Can you handle this?” you asked him softly. He nodded. 

“I’ve got it Y/N. You can head back to the office. I know you have a lot of prep to do later. I’ll fill you in at dinner,” he said. You frowned at his tone of voice, but you stepped back, nodding, 

“Okay, I’ll see you later baby,” you said. He just nodded. 

After you left, he sat there, barely keeping a grip on his sanity. It was hard to have so many things go wrong in the last few days. He needed to keep calm though, so he kept breathing, reminding himself that he could handle this. He was ready to handle this. Liv talked him through the details of the case, and he watched an interview before he headed back to his office. When he sat down, he took a moment, dropping his head into his hands. It was a lot. It was a lot, but he was going to push through and handle it. A knock on the door startled him, but he was glad to look up and see you, “Hey,” you said softly. 

“Hey,” he whispered, “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. I just want to try and handle this on my own,” 

“Sure,” you replied, coming and leaning against his desk, “Just tell me if you need anything. Let’s go get some dinner, and you can tell me what happened,” He nodded, standing up and grabbing his jacket. He took your hand, letting you lead him out to a car. 

………………………….

Rafael was exhausted. When you walked into the house, he set his jacket on the couch. Lucy poked her head out from the hallway with a smile on her face, “Gabriella,” she said. Gabriella came running out, and her face lit up when she saw you both. 

“Mommy,” she said, running over for a hug. You squeezed her tight, and she smiled before turning to Rafael, “Daddy!”By the look on his face, he really needed it. He scooped her up, hands under her arms as he flew her around like an airplane. Holding his daughter, Rafael felt like he could face the world. As she toyed with his tie, smiling at him and giggling when he pressed kisses to her face, he felt like he could do anything. He took her back to the bedroom while you spoke with Lucy. 

“I missed you so much chica,” he whispered, “I love you,” 

“Love too Daddy,” she said, resting her head on his chest. He set her down on the bed so he could change, setting his clothes down as he went, and when he turned around, she had his tie around her forehead. He couldn’t help but laugh. “Ninja,” she said with a big smile. One look at her and all his worries disappeared. 

“You are the cutest little ninja I’ve ever seen,” he said, kissing her forehead. He folded his clothes, putting them in a pile to be taken for dry cleaning, and then he scooped her up again, taking her back out to the living room. 

“Thirty minutes and she needs to be in bed,” you said, heading down the hall, and he mumbled his agreement, settling on the couch to watch a movie with her. She sat on his lap, cuddling as they watched. She laughed and giggled the whole time, playing with the tie that he had secured around her head. “Alright you two,” you said from the doorway. He frowned. Thirty minutes had flown by in what felt like five. 

“But Mommy,” Gabriella said, making puppy dog eyes. Rafael made puppy dog eyes too, and you glared. 

“But Mommy,” he repeated. 

“You are awful,” you hissed, scooping her up out of his arms. “And you are going to bed. Daddy is being bad,” When you came back out, you smacked his shoulder lightly, “You are horrible Rafael,” 

“But I wanted to cuddle more,” he said, and you shook your head at him, 

“She needed to go to sleep. Come on, you can cuddle with me,” you said, and he sighed dramatically. You smacked his arm again, and he laughed. Things were feeling more and more normal. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's the next chapter! Hope you guys enjoy :) As always, I'd love comments.

You peeked your head in Rafael’s office, smiling when you saw him jotting down notes as he picked at lunch. “Hey hot stuff,” you said, and he looked up with a smile, 

“Hey,” he replied, taking a bite of his hoagie. 

“You have like fifteen minutes to eat with me? Take a little break?” you asked. He shook his head. 

“I need to get this just right,” he whispered. You set your food on his desk, walking behind his chair and massaging his shoulders. He was so tense, his muscles riddled with knots and stress. You worked your thumbs into his traps, trying to help him relax. He sat back, letting you help him. He sighed as you started working your thumb up and down his neck. 

“You are so tense. Come on, you’re taking a break,” you said. He sighed, but he finally nodded, 

“Five minutes,” he whispered. 

“Fifteen,” you countered. He paused again but finally agreed, following you to the couch with his sandwich. You sat beside him, picking at your own lunch. “You need to take a deep breath, take a step back. Do you want any help?” 

“I’m just trying to make sure nothing goes wrong this time,” he whispered, “I need to get this right. I need to win this one,” He ran a nervous hand through his hair, messing up the razor sharp part, a nervous tic he had developed since everything. He never would have done that before. 

“You won’t if you sit here and constantly panic about it. Talk to me,” you said, “Tell me how I can help you right now,” His shoulders were hunched, and he obviously wanted to do this on his own, but he was nervous, 

“Will you take a look at my notes?” he asked after a second, “Tell me if they’re any good?” 

“Of course, bring them here,” you said, and he stood up, grabbing his legal pad from his desk and handing it over. You skimmed over the notes for a few minutes before looking up at him, “These look great Rafa, really,” you said, “The only thing I might add are questions about this alleged relationship the student had with another professor. You want to get out in front of that,” 

“I wasn’t sure how I wanted to bring that up. It’s completely unsubstantiated. It feels like a cover story,” Rafael said, “I could subpoena this other professor maybe,” 

“He’ll deny of course, but the defense will try to say he’s protecting his reputation,” you said, “It’s all a ruse. You just have to point that out to the jury,” He nodded, looking like he felt much better. You pulled him in for a kiss, “Try to relax. You’re doing great,” He nodded, and you smiled. He was thankfully starting to settle in. 

………………….

You weren’t sure what woke you up. It was still pitch dark in the room, the bed warm, but Rafael was gone from his usual spot beside you. You laid there for a few moments, wanting to just go back to sleep, but you couldn’t. You needed to make sure he was alright. You pulled yourself out of bed, feeling exhausted. The jury was returning a verdict tomorrow on the case. It had gone flawlessly, or at least, it had gone as flawlessly as possible with the details surrounding the case. You knew he was nervous, so nervous he was practically ripping his hair out. You looked in Gabriella’s room first, but he wasn’t there. She was fast asleep, in bed, holding onto Jesús, and you smiled, so glad your life had made it to this point. You had Rafael, Gabriella, and things were finally starting to get back to normal. Rafael was looking more and more like himself. You were both almost happy. When you made it out to the living room, you saw Rafael sitting on the couch. He had the tv on, but it was on silent. He was sipping at some scotch, his brow furrowed. “Hey,” you said softly. 

“Go back to bed,” he whispered. You shook your head, sitting down beside him, 

“I know this is scary, you don’t know what verdict the jury will return, but you did great. You did the best anyone could have done presenting this case,” you said. He nodded, looking down at his lap. 

“I can’t sleep. I need to know,” he said. 

“Come on back to bed with me, we can talk for a little bit. It’ll be alright,” you said. He finally nodded, clicking the tv off and following you back towards the bedroom. When he settled onto the bed, you pulled him close, resting your head on his chest. “I am so proud of you,” you said softly. He started running his hand through your hair. 

“I never thought I’d make it back here,” he said softly, “Really, I thought I was just going to be a sniveling, crying mess for the rest of my life, but you pushed me and I finally made it back,” 

“I always knew you could do this Rafael. I know how strong you are. You’re the strongest person I know,” you said, hand smoothing over his belly, under his shirt, and over the soft hairs, 

“It’s just been so hard,” he said, “With everything that happened with my Dad, and then Casey, and at the hospital. I just wanted to die. You kept me going. You and Gabriella,” 

“She is something else,” you replied, “She knows exactly what she’s doing with you. She’s got your number,” 

“Does that make me a bad Dad?” he asked, looking up at the ceiling. 

“Of course not Rafa,” you whispered, “Of course not. It’s why you’ve got me. To be the bad cop. You could be a little better about saying no though,” You laughed softly, and he smiled. 

“I can try,” he whispered, “After the case tomorrow, I’m taking Noah out for lunch, but maybe we should have a quiet night. I can call a babysitter. Just you and me,” 

“That sounds perfect,” you said, “And no matter what happens, I’ll be there for you,” you whispered. 

“Thank you,” he murmured. 

“Now how about we try to get some sleep,” you said, and he nodded. He looped his arms around your waist, holding you close and kissing the back of your neck, “I love you,” you whispered, and he kissed your cheek. 

“I love you too,” he whispered, shutting the light off. He finally felt like he was relaxing which made you smile. You just hoped the case would turn out the right way for him. 

………………………………………..

As you stood in court, waiting for it to start, you watched Rafael closely. He looked like he was about to start biting his nails, another horrible habit he had picked up after being assaulted. He had never been a nail-biter before that. Actually, he usually got his nails manicured. He had been trying very hard to stop as he started to get better, but sometimes he still broke down and did it. “Just breathe,” you whispered, and he nodded, downing a glass of water. When the judge finally came in, he looked even worse. He was sweating and shaking slightly, his hands balanced on the table to keep him upright. The judge looked over the paper before nodding. 

“Has the jury reached a verdict?” she asked. 

“Yes your honor,” the foreman replied. There was a pause before he continued, “We the jury, find the defendant guilty,” Rafael visibly relaxed, pulling you in for a hug. You rubbed his back, trying to keep him calm. He managed to hold it together until you made it outside, and you pulled him over to a more private area. He was choking up, clinging to you. 

“You did it,” you whispered, “You put a very bad man in jail today. I am so proud of you,” 

“Thank you,” he said, “I’m so glad. I did it,” You rubbed his back some more, “I did it Y/N,” 

“You did it,” you whispered. He was so emotional, but you were so proud of him. He wiped at his eyes, “And when you get home later, I’m gonna show you how proud I am. We’re gonna celebrate,” that part was whispered by his ear, and he smiled. 

“Can’t wait. I’m gonna try and sneak out early,” he murmured, “Be home by four?” 

“I can try,” you said, and he smiled. 

“I gotta go,” he said after looking at his watch, “I don’t wanna keep Noah waiting,” You pressed your lips against his briefly, 

“Alright big shot, I’ll see you later. Great job,” you said. He nodded before heading down to deal with the media. As you watched, you couldn’t wipe the smile from your face. 

……………………………….

Rafael was waiting in the living room when he heard the door open. You were a half hour late, but it was honestly a miracle you made it out so early. He had takeout on its way, and he had spent a half hour tidying up, so you wouldn’t have to worry about it. “Hey you,” you said, coming into the living room. He smiled. “I got us some champagne. Really expensive champagne,” You pulled a bottle out of a paper bag, and he couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face. 

“Dinner is on its way,” he said, and you smiled, 

“I think I want dessert first,” you pulled him into a kiss by his tie, dragging him back towards the bedroom. He was trying to keep up, his hands running down your sides and over your back, “Whatever you want tonight, it’s yours,” you murmured. He took a seat on the bed, pulling you in for a deep kiss. He started pulling at your shirt, getting it unbuttoned and off your shoulders. 

“I want you to suck me first,” he said softly, brushing your hair away from your face. 

“You’ve got it,” you murmured, easing down to your knees and unbuckling his belt. You unzipped his pants, pulling them down just enough to get his dick out. You pressed kisses all along it, slowly working him up. You kissed the head of his cock, the salty taste of precome assaulting your taste buds. He was starting to harden more and more, going from about half mast to fully erect in a matter of minutes. You worked your way down his shaft until you were taking most of his cock in your mouth, and he moaned, red-faced and gasping. 

“Oh, thank you,” he whispered. You continued working, bobbing up and down and until he tapped your shoulder, “I--I’m gonna--I need to be inside of you,” You pushed him onto his back, climbing up onto the bed and easing down around him after stripping out of your clothes. He gasped, hands going to your hips. You worked his shirt open as you rolled your hips against his, pushing the fabric back and off his shoulders. He was moaning and bucking up to meet your movements. You were focused on making him feel good, the pace starting out slow and rolling as you kissed across his skin. He grasped onto your hips before rolling you over so he could thrust properly. “I love you,” he whispered, ‘I never would have done this without you,” 

“I love you too,” you murmured back, hand rubbing up and down his sweat-soaked back. His thrusts were hard, making the bed rock, his lips covering yours, a flush spreading up his chest and neck. Your legs wrapped around his waist, one hooked over his leg, pulling him harder and faster as you raced towards climax. He used a free hand to bring you closer and closer to the brink, his mouth swallowing your moans. He pushed you over the brink first, and it only took him a few deep thrusts before he was pressing his face against your skin and murmuring your name over and over again. You shushed him, running a hand over the back of his neck. His hair was soaked with sweat, and he was sniffling. “You okay?” you asked softly. 

“Yeah, I just--I’m finally happy,” he said softly, “I’m finally happy, and I’m back at work, and I have you and Gabriella,” 

“Yeah, you do,” you whispered, “You always have me,” You laid in bed, holding him close until there was a knock on the door. He stood up, wiping his eyes and stripping down to just his pants, 

“I’m gonna go pay for the food and get us some champagne,” he said, “You wait right here,” He went out the door, running a hand through his hair to straighten it before he grabbed his wallet from the counter. He handed over some cash to the delivery man, grabbing two glasses and the bottle of champagne. When he walked in the door, you were reclining on the bed in only his dress shirt, and he smiled. “You look better in it than I do,” he whispered with a smile, taking a seat on the bed. He handed you a glass, pouring champagne and smiling. It was the perfect celebration. 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here's the next chapter. Hope you guys enjoy :)

You were late. So late, in fact, that you were rushing to try and get to an arraignment on time. You burst in the door, feeling out of breath. Rafael was already at the podium, arguing with Calhoun over bail. “Ms. Y/L/N, how nice of you to join us,” the judge said, and you blushed, 

“I apologize, your honor, I was held up in a motions hearing,” you replied softly. Rafael shot you a comforting smile before going back the argument at hand. He was doing fine, not stammering or floundering at all, so you let him handle it. He was doing really well actually which shouldn’t have been surprising to you. He had been doing so well for weeks, but something about this particular instance made you smile. It made you see how far he had come. You had bumped him up to doing two cases at a time, and he was passing with flying colors. Some nights, you noticed he looked particularly upset, but if you nudged him, usually he would tell you what was wrong. He would talk to you, and afterward, he usually seemed better. The nightmares were getting fewer and farther between, and he was smiling more and more. When he finished his argument and the judge granted him remand, he smiled at you. You left together, bumping shoulders. “Great job in there,” 

“Thanks,” he said, “Let me buy you some lunch?”

“Sure,” you replied, taking his offered hand. You walked to a cafe, and he asked for a booth as always. You slid in next to him rather than across, and he looked at you weirdly, but he wrapped an arm around your shoulders. 

“Something wrong?” he asked. 

“No, I’m just happy to see you,” you said. You leaned your head on Rafael’s shoulder, shutting your eyes and enjoying the relative stability that you hadn’t felt in a long time. “This has been a lot,” you whispered, “All of it. We’re finally both okay,” 

“You are amazing. You held up so well for me. I know that was not easy for you,” he said softly, “I know. I watched you go through the same thing, differently, but it was hard for me to see you in that kind of pain, especially when I couldn’t really do anything about it. I will be forever grateful to you,” Him saying that made you emotional. You had been working so hard, and it meant a lot to hear him tell you how much it meant to him. You tried so hard to hold yourself together for him for so long. He pulled you close, hand stroking your hair and over your back, “You are the best wife I could have possibly asked for, and I love you,” 

“I love you too,” you whispered, sniffling and trying to wipe your eyes. You weren’t entirely sure why that had made you so emotional. He had thanked you before. It certainly wasn’t the first time. You decided to blame it on exhaustion. You were so busy all the sudden, a slew of cases being dumped on your desk daily. You had been at three motions hearings before you had rushed in late to the arraignment. You felt so tired, seriously exhausted. You wanted to take a nap, but you still had way too much to do. 

“Are you feeling alright?” he asked, “You seem very tired and emotional. Do I need to go buy you some tampons,” You knew he was teasing now, and you laughed softly, holding onto him, “What? You only usually get like this when it’s that time of the month. The week where you might shoot me in the face for saying hi,” You laughed again, sniffling and wiping at his eyes. “Do you want to share some chocolate cake after we get lunch?” 

“Yes Rafi, I would like to share some chocolate cake,” you said, softly, finally pulling away and looking at the menu. He rubbed your back, looking at the menu himself. 

“I bet I know what you’re getting,” he said softly. He pointed out the pasta dish you always ordered, and almost any other day he would be right, but simply looking at it made you feel ill. Speaking of feeling ill, the smell in the restaurant had your head spinning. “Hey, are you okay?” 

“I’m not feeling the best all the sudden,” you said softly. He frowned, feeling your forehead, 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. 

“I feel like I’m going to--oh,” you put a hand over your mouth, “I’ll be right back,” you said softly. You rushed to the bathroom, feeling like you were going to throw up. You were so stressed out about everything, you were making yourself sick now. After gagging for a few moments, you felt a little better, splashing some water on your face before going back out to the table. 

“You okay?” he asked, “I got you some ginger ale. Maybe you should head home,” 

“I’m good,” you said, “But I wouldn’t complain about a foot massage tonight. These heels are killing me,” 

“You got it beautiful,” Rafael said, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “You still want that cake?” You smiled, nodding, and leaning against him as he wrapped his arm around you once more. 

……………………………

Rafael was laying in bed, cuddling with Gabriella who had a cold. Her little body was warm, curled up in his arms, and he loved holding her. She looked just like you sometimes. You always told him she looked like him, but he swore she looked exactly like you. The way she would wrinkle her nose when she was angry, her dramatic sighs when she didn’t like something he said, she was so stubborn, but she loved him. He loved her with his whole heart. He wasn’t sure if there was anything he loved the same way. He loved you, but it was different. Gabriella was a part of him. He made her with you. Her little green eyes, the curly dark hair. She was perfect. His little angel. Her little face looked so peaceful now that she was finally asleep. She had been grumpy all day, throwing tantrums and sobbing. She only calmed down when he held her. The moment he set her down, even for a second, it was blood-curdling screams and sobs. She would clutch at his shirt, twisting her little hands in the fabric and crying until her face turned red. She was being a bit of a drama queen, he was sure of it, but when she did that, he couldn’t help but rock her. He would comfort her no matter what. 

He felt her forehead, brushing a few curls away from her face. She was warm, but not overly so. Not enough for him to freak out, but enough that he felt awful for her. She was congested, soft little coughs escaping her throat every few minutes. She was so exhausted. He ran his fingers through her hair, over her back, and then he leaned down and kissed her temple, “Oh princesa, Daddy loves you. Lo siento. I’m sorry you’re sick,” he whispered. He was going to shut his eyes for a quick nap, but his phone started ringing. He jumped up, grabbing it and leaving the room so he wouldn’t wake Gabriella up. “Hello?” he asked softly. 

“Hey Rafa, how is she?” your voice was worried, and he felt bad. He should have texted you. You had talked that morning, and he had decided to stay home with her, so you could go to court, but she had been pitching a fit most of the day. 

“I just got her down. Sorry I didn’t call. She’s been fussy,” he said tiredly, “I think it’s just a cold though. She isn’t turning blue or anything like when she had pneumonia,” 

“Okay, that’s good news,” he was glad to hear the relief in your voice, “I’m going to my office, I have a couple meetings, and then I’ll bring dinner home,” 

“Sounds good. I love you,” he said. 

“Love you too, I’ll see you in a bit,” you replied before hanging up. He went back to the bedroom, sitting down beside his daughter who was thankfully still asleep. He tucked the blanket tighter around her, leaning back against the pillows and resting his eyes. He felt exhausted. It had been an adventure trying to get her to eat anything. He felt so tired. He had been up late the night before trying to get her to sleep. She had ended up sleeping in bed with the both of you, much to your frustration. He knew it was frustration with him for giving in. You had spent some cuddle time with her the night before. As he laid there, he started to drift off, his eyes drooping. 

……………………………………….

The sound of the door opening yanked him from the peace of sleep. He blinked a few times, trying to clear the fog from his mind. Then his eyes widened comically, Gabriella’s face pressed close to his startling him. She was smiling at him softly, reaching out to touch his face. “Hi Daddy,” she said softly, running her hand down his face. He laughed. 

“Hey Princess, how are you feeling?” he asked softly. 

“Little better,” she said with a grin. She looked much perkier. “Ice cream?” He raised an eyebrow, it was kind of late for that much sugar, and she hadn’t eaten dinner, but her little eyes were shining with hope, and he didn’t want to upset her. 

“Just a little bit,” he said, sitting up with a sigh. He scooped her up into his arms, carrying her out to the kitchen. The feeling of her chubby little arms wrapped around his neck, the solid weight of her in his arms, it was so comforting. It was surreal for him to be holding her, for him to remember that she was his daughter. He kissed the top of her head, but then he stopped cold in the hallway. He could hear you retching and gagging in the bathroom. He hadn’t even realized you were home yet. He spared a glance at his watch. It was early for you to be home. He set Gabriella down, “You go sit on the couch. I will be out to get you your ice cream in a couple minutes,” Once she disappeared from view, he knocked on the door to the bathroom, “Cariño?” he called, “Are you alright? Can I come in?” 

“Yeah, you can come in,” your voice was soft. He opened the door, seeing you on the floor, bent over the toilet, 

“Hey,” he said softly, kneeling down beside you, “Are you okay?” 

“Just not feeling the greatest,” you said, “McCoy chewed me out earlier, I honestly think it’s just some stress,” 

“Yeah, you’re good at making yourself sick,” he said, smoothing his hand over your forehead. He brushed the hair off of your skin, kissing your temple. “Go get out of these clothes, and I’ll run you a bath, bring you some wine, you can just relax,” 

“Okay,” you whispered, “Thank you,” 

“Of course,” he murmured, “Now I have to go deal with our daughter,” 

“Good luck handsome,” you said, and he laughed, 

“I’m gonna need it,” he whispered. One more kiss to your temple and he left, going out to the living room to find Gabriella. He felt his heart leap into his throat, seeing her climbing on a chair, trying to open the freezer, “Gabriella! No!” he yelled immediately. She was startled by his voice and started to tumble off the chair. It felt like his heart was going to stop. He rushed over, feeling like time was passing in slow motion, but he was close enough that he managed to grab her before she really fell. He was gasping in air, holding her tight to his chest, tears in his eyes. She was crying too, probably startled from hearing him raise his voice. He never yelled, not at her. He felt terrible. He rubbed her back, trying to calm both her and himself down. “I’m sorry I yelled. It’s all okay,” he whispered, “I’m sorry. You scared me,” 

“Sorry Daddy,” she whispered, 

“Shhh, we’ll talk about it later,” he said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry,” She pressed her face against his shirt, sniffling, and he shushed her, “How about we get some ice cream? Maybe some sprinkles,” he suggested softly. She sniffled again but nodded, and he smiled, getting her ice cream with shaking hands. He felt dread creeping through his whole body. He sat down at the table, trying to keep his cool. He had just yelled at his daughter. His head was spinning, and he was trying desperately not to freak out. He swallowed before scooping her up and putting her on the couch with some cartoons. “I will be back okay? Just eat your ice cream. Don’t go anywhere,” 

“Okay Daddy,” she said softly, giggling and pressing a sticky kiss to his cheek. He didn’t deserve it. He stroked her cheek with his thumb before pouring a glass of wine and heading back to the bathroom. He started running the water, trying to not to cry the whole time. 

“You’re the best,” you said, poking your head in the door. He looked up, his eyes red and filled with tears. “Hey,” you said, “What’s wrong?” 

“I--I,” he trailed off, his breaths hitching as he started to sob. You sat down beside him on the tub, pulling him close, 

“Shhh, just tell me what happened,” you said. 

“I yelled at Gabriella,” he admitted, and by his behavior, you would have thought he was admitting to murder. 

“There’s gotta be more to it than that,” you said, rubbing his arm. He shook his head, collecting himself. 

“I--I promised her ice cream, but when I went in the kitchen she was climbing on a chair, and it scared me so bad. I--I yelled and she almost fell, and she was crying. I’m terrible,” he sobbed. You laughed, and he looked up at you. 

“You are the sweetest man in the entire world, and I love you so much,” you whispered, “But sometimes you are so dense. There are times when you have to yell Rafa. She was in danger, so you yelled. You weren’t angry or upset. You were scared. She was in danger. That was good,” you whispered pulling him in for a soft kiss, “It’s okay,” 

“And then I put in her front of the tv with ice cream. What am I doing?” he whispered. 

“Stop it. Stop beating yourself up. You’re doing fine,” you said, kissing his cheek, “You’re knocking it out of the park. Now go cuddle our sick daughter while I take a bath.” 

“Okay,” he whispered, “Okay. Thank you.” You nodded, shooing him off before relaxing in the bath with your wine. He really knew how to make you feel better after a long day. 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's the next chapter! hope you guys enjoy :)

The room was dark, the curtains pulled, and Rafael felt warm and at peace. His arms were wrapped around you, holding you close, fingers brushing over smooth skin. Laying in bed in the morning, staying close to you made him feel like everything was okay in the world, and it was enough to keep him together when things started to get harder. You kept him together, and right now, he was trying to be there for you when you needed it. You were so tired, he could see it in your eyes and your body language. It worried him. The throwing up, the exhaustion, you were wearing yourself so thin, and he wasn’t doing enough to help. He was determined to let you rest this weekend. As he lay there, lost in his thoughts, there was some shuffling outside the door. Soft thumps against the wood, and he sighed. He slowly started getting out of the bed, trying not to wake you up in the process. He only had a few precious moments before Gabriella would start screaming for him. He opened the door, and she was grinning and giggling, reaching for him. He scooped her up into his arms, “Morning Daddy,” she said, and the joy that was emanating from her was infectious. It was impossible for him not to smile when he was with her. 

“Morning princess, are you hungry?” he asked. She smiled. 

“Pancakes,” she said. 

“Sweetheart, I made you pancakes yesterday. How about cereal?” he asked. She made a pouty, grumpy face at him, putting her little hands on his cheeks and forcing him to look her in the eyes,

“Pancakes,” she said more firmly, “Chip,” 

“Gabriella,” he groaned, eyes shooting up to the ceiling with exasperation. You were right, she knew exactly how to get what she wanted from him. “Fine,” he said with a sigh, and she smiled and clapped. He set her on the counter right beside him, pulling out bowls and ingredients. He eyed her as he got out the chocolate chips. She was grinning at him, her eyes sparkling as she babbled on and on about Noah and Lucy. She pouted until he let her crack the egg, and then he had to spend ten minutes, washing her off and digging pieces of shell out from the pancake mix. She dropped a plate on the floor while he was flipping the pancakes, and he covered his face. She cried when he put her on the couch, but he needed to clean up. As he started back towards the kitchen, she chased after him and he picked her up and put her right back down where she had been. She made a face at him, “You stay right there,” he said seriously. She crossed her little arms across her chest, and wrinkled her nose angrily, 

“No,” she said. 

“Gabriella,” he said warningly, but she didn’t back down. 

“No.” 

“If you want pancakes, you better stay there. Daddy has to go clean up,” Rafael said. She made an angry face at him. 

“Daddddddy,” she whined, and he tried to hold his ground, but tears started filling her green eyes, and he couldn’t. 

“Where do you want to sit?” he asked softly. 

“With you,” she said, still pouting and he sighed, but he picked her up, 

“Fine, you better sit still. No more breaking things, okay?” he said, and she nodded. He sighed, sweeping up the mess and finishing the pancakes. She looked very pleased with herself when she started eating as they watched cartoons on the couch. He knew he was being awful, giving into her, but he didn’t feel like he could possibly say no to her. She knew exactly how to play him. 

“Rafa,” your voice was soft, “Why did you let me sleep so late?” 

“You’re exhausted honey, here, I made pancakes,” he said, standing up. You shook your head. He frowned. You looked pale and nauseous, a hand over your mouth. “What do you need right now? I’ve got it,” 

“Is there any ginger ale?” you asked, sitting down on the couch. Gabriella moved over to give you a sticky hug which you appreciated, “Hey girly.” 

“Yeah, there’s some in the fridge,” Rafael said. He went to get you a glass, returning moments later, and sitting down so he could wrap an arm around your shoulders. Gabriella climbed into his lap, snuggling, and he grimaced at the syrup that was getting all over him, but he wrapped his free arm around her anyways, rubbing her back. “She needs a bath,” he said. 

“I thought we talked about this yesterday. Pancakes are a bad idea,” she said, and he made a face. 

“Sorry,” he said, “She kept begging me for it.” 

“Rafa,” you whispered, pinching the bridge of your nose. 

“I know,” he whispered, “I know.” 

“No, you apparently don’t,” you said, “You keep doing it.” 

“I’m trying,” he said, standing up, Gabriella in his arms. “I’m going to give her a bath. Come get me if you need anything.” He carried her back to the bathtub, filling it with warm water and getting her out of her clothes. She splashed and covered him in water, giving him a bubble beard which she thought was hilarious. Rafael couldn’t help but laugh too. He scrubbed her until the stickiness was gone, and she continued to put bubbles on his face and neck. 

“Rafa.” your voice from the door startled him, and he turned to look at you. You burst out laughing, looking at his face that was covered in soap. “Okay Santa, nice beard,” 

“What can I say, I can make anything work,” he joked. Gabriella grinned and continued to giggle. “Did you need something?” 

“Just, uh, I’m just really grateful to have you,” you said softly, tears starting to stream down your cheeks, and he frowned, standing up and coming closer as he tried to wipe the soap from his face. 

“What’s going on?” he asked, his damp hand coming up to cup your face. He pulled you close and water started soaking through your clothes. 

“I’ve just been so stressed out lately, and you’ve been here for me the whole time,” you whispered, pressing your face against his wet shirt. 

“That’s my job Y/N,” he murmured. “Are you feeling any better?” 

“Not really. I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up,” you said. 

“Lay down, I’ll make you some soup,” he said, kissing your forehead. You nodded, hugging him tightly for one more moment before you headed back towards the living room. He pulled Gabriella out of the bath, drying her off and getting her clean clothes. She ran off to play in the living room, and he put on dry clothes before going to make the soup he promised you. You were laying on the couch, watching tv and sipping your ginger ale when he brought you a bowl. You smiled and thanked him, eating it slowly. Rafael took a seat on the end of the couch by your feet, rubbing his hand over your ankle gently. “I’ll always be here,” he said, “Whenever you need me.” 

“I love you so much Rafa,” you said softly. 

“I love you more,” he replied, and you shook your head at his sappiness. Once you finished the soup, you pulled your leg from his grasp, standing up to go put the bowl in the sink. You rinsed it, and when you came back, Gabriella was reaching for you, so you picked her up. Rafael frowned when you winced, shifting her around, more on your hip. “Something wrong?” 

“It’s just my…” you trailed off, making a face and gesturing vaguely towards your chest, “They hurt.” He eyed you carefully for a second, frowning. 

“That’s strange,” he said. As you played with Gabriella, he was lost in thought. You were emotional, nauseous, smell sensitive, your breasts hurt. He wasn’t sure if you weren’t telling him something because you thought he might freak out, or maybe you didn’t know yet. He swallowed. “Um….Y/N, is there something you wanted to tell me?” he asked. You looked at him strangely. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you asked, turning towards him from where you were now seated on the floor with Gabriella. 

“It’s just that--” he was interrupted by your phone ringing, and you picked it up, talking for a few minutes before sighing. 

“I have to go to the office. I’ll hopefully be back before dinner,” you said. 

“I can go. You could stay here with Gabriella,” he offered, wanting you to rest, but you shook your head. 

“You already have two cases. I can handle this,” you said. 

“Wait,” he said, “I think we need to talk--” 

“Not now Rafa, later,” you replied, coming over and kissing him, “I’ll see you later baby.”

“Bye,” he said with a sigh. He didn’t want to stress you out. He took a nap with Gabriella, cuddling, and then she wanted to have a tea party, so he let her dress him up with necklaces and a crown and they had a tea party with her stuffed animals. In fact, they were on the floor, sitting around the coffee table when you got home. 

“Daddy, pinkie up,” she said exasperatedly, and he laughed at her tone of voice. 

“My bad,” he said, correcting his error. 

“Well, don’t you look pretty,” you said with a laugh as you came into the living room. Your voice was tired, and you looked exhausted. 

“Why thank you, I am a princess,” he said, adjusting the pink, feather boa that was draped around his neck. 

“I see that. The tiara goes really well with your hair,” you said, smiling. 

“Gabriella, sweetheart, how about you go and wash your hands. You can help Daddy make dinner,” Rafael said. Gabriella clapped and nodded, standing up and running off. “We’re gonna go out and pick up dinner. What sounds good?” he asked. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” you whispered, “Honestly, I feel like I could throw up everything I’ve eaten today.” 

“Alright, I’ll try to get something that won’t bother you,” he said. He grabbed Gabriella, getting her in her coat, and they walked to the bodega down the street. He got some rice and chicken that would be easy to cook at home. He hoped that wouldn’t bother your stomach. Then, on a last minute whim, he picked up two pregnancy tests, paying for the groceries and letting Gabriella hold the bag as he walked home. She sat on the counter again while he was cooking, and he could hear the shower running. He hoped that would make you feel a little better. You ate dinner and talked quietly, and then once he finally had Gabriella in bed, he sat down on the couch with you. “I think we need to talk,” he said. 

“About what?” you asked, eyes on the television. 

“Y/N, are you sure you’re not pregnant?” he asked. 

“Are you trying to say I look fat?” you asked, covering your face tiredly. 

“No,” he said with a laugh, “No, absolutely not. You’ve been nauseous though, you said your breasts hurt, you’re tired. I bought a couple tests well I was out.” You sat there for a few moments, silently. “You okay?” he asked. 

“Well, shit,” you whispered, “I swear to God, I just thought it was stress. I’m so--this week has been a lot.” 

“I know, and last time, it was, but I just thought, you might want to make sure,” he explained, “If you are, we can talk about that later.” He sat up and took your hand. “I’m here for you,” he said. He sat there, waiting for you to respond, but you didn’t. He rubbed your back, “We can do this. I know we can, but if you don’t want to….you to know I’ll support you Y/N.” 

“I have no idea Rafa,” you finally whispered, “But I guess we should probably take the test.” He smiled, nodding and grabbing the bag. He stood outside the bathroom, giving you some privacy, and then you were sitting on the floor together, hand in hand, waiting. It reminded him of when you had been trying to get pregnant for so long before you had Gabriella, and he smiled, leaning over and kissing your shoulder. You leaned your head against him, and you settled in to wait. Together. 

  
  
  



	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here’s the next chapter!

“Are you scared?” Rafael’s voice was soft, his arm draped over your shoulders as you sat on the tile floor together. 

“A little,” you whispered. You appreciated the way he was carefully holding you. You honestly weren’t sure how to feel about all of it. You were a little more prepared than the last scare. Gabriella was a bit older now, and Rafael was back on his feet. It was still a lot though. One kid was hard enough. Gabriella kept things interesting on her own, and you couldn’t imagine trying to handle both her and a baby, especially if Rafael was going to let her run rampant. He was struggling to find a balance between being a father and wanting to be a friend to Gabriella. He wanted her to love him, and you totally understood that. He wanted to give her everything in the world, but he couldn’t let her have whatever she wanted. She already knew exactly how to play him, which you found kind of hilarious. You were confident he would find his way, but now it might have to be sooner than later. 

“I know we can do this together,” he said softly. He rubbed his hand up and down your arm, “I’m okay now. I can do this, and you’re the best mother I’ve ever met,” 

“You better be quiet or I’ll tell Liv you said that,” you teased, and he chuckled. 

“Do you want me to look?” he asked. You nodded. He stood up, grabbing the tests, and looking them over before he turned to you with a little smile on his face. He didn’t even have to say it. You knew. You had been pretty positive since he had mentioned it. 

“What do we do now?” you asked. He sat back down, taking your hands, 

“I want you to tell me what you want,” he said. “You can think about it however long you need.” 

“Rafa,” you whispered, “You think we can balance this right now? You’re just getting back on your feet.”

“I know we can. Listen to me, I can take on the cases again once you’re far enough along that you need to slow up. Then we can talk about it and figure out who might stay home until we’re comfortable leaving them with a babysitter. We can figure this out together,” he said, “But only if that’s what you want. If you don’t want to be pregnant again, I understand. Whatever you want.” 

“I think we should do it,” you said. You had wanted another child at some point, and there was no time like the present. He smiled, pulling you close for a kiss,

“We’re gonna have a baby,” he whispered. He was smiling, and you were so happy to see that look on his face. He had been so concerned about handling more than one child at a time, and either he had gotten over that, or the more likely option that was coping better. He was able to push the fear down enough that he could think rationally. You pecked his lips once more before leaning your head against his chest. “You’re going to need to go see the doctor,” he said softly. 

“Oh God,” you whispered. 

“It’ll be alright. We’ll go see our doctor,” he said, “Dr. Montgomery. You’ll probably need some hormones again.” 

“I’m gonna blow up like an elephant again,” you mumbled, and he shook his head, brushing the hair out of your face, 

“Hey, no, you’ll look glowing and absolutely beautiful,” he said softly. 

“Someone is probably not going to be very happy,” you said, and he frowned like he hadn’t even thought of that. 

“Shit, you’re right,” he groaned. “She is going to be a handful,” 

“We can wait awhile to have that conversation,” you said softly. He smiled, pulling you close again. 

“Let’s just be happy right now. We’ll figure everything else out later,” he said, “Let’s go to bed,” 

“Okay,” You said. You followed him to the bedroom, laying in bed with his arms around you, and you smiled. You never would have imagined you would be here before. Not that long ago, you had been the one who was broken, and Rafael wasn’t remotely thinking about having kids, but things had changed so quickly. Now you were pregnant with your second child, and you were both finally okay again. It was like a breath of fresh air. 

“I’m good now,” he whispered, “You and me, we’re okay,” 

“I know,” you said, gripping to his hand as tight as you could. Everything finally felt okay.

………………………………….

You were in your office, back aching as you rushed around trying to find all your papers. You already felt like you had pregnancy brain going on. You had you check up in the afternoon, but you hadn’t seen Rafael in over an hour. You left two messages on his phone, telling him to get down to the SVU precinct, but it didn’t look like he was going to show. You were right about to head there if you could find the papers you needed for your motions hearing afterwards. You started muttering swear words, wanting a cup of coffee more than anything, but you didn’t want to risk it. 

“Ms. Y/L/N,” Jerome said, poking his head in the door. You clenched your jaw, trying not to yell, 

“Yes Jerome?” you asked tensely. 

“Lieutenant Benson is calling,” he said. 

“I know Jerome,” you said lowly, “I need to find my papers.” 

“For the Lewis hearing later?” he asked, “You left them on my desk, here.” You had to take a really deep breath before you thanked him, taking the papers.

“Please call Mr. Barba again, tell him if he doesn’t meet me at the SVU precinct in fifteen minutes, he’s sleeping on the couch tonight. Thank you,” you said, heading down to get a cab. When the care pulled up, you got out, taking a cleansing breath before heading upstairs. Rafael, of course, wasn’t there when you arrived, and he hadn’t called. Liv was waiting for you. 

“Hey,” she said, “Where’s Rafael?”

“That’s the million dollar question,” you replied with a sigh, “I have absolutely no idea. I don’t really have time for this, so if we could make it fast, that would be great.” 

“I’ll see what I can do,” Liv said, starting to walk you through the details of the case. After a few minutes, you heard some shuffling from the door and a distinct voice, and when you turned, there was Rafael, in his navy suit, Gabriella balanced on his hip, his briefcase in his opposite hand. She was babbling and playing with his tie as usual. 

“Sorry I’m late guys,” he said, sitting down, “She was sick, and I-I didn’t want her to get Noah sick. Lucy said she wouldn’t stop crying.” 

“Rafa, breathe,” you said softly. You could tell he was worrying about her, stressed out about her being sick and probably about the pregnancy as well. He nodded, taking a deep breath as instructed, “She’s okay. Sit down, I have to go, so you need to handle this meeting. Okay?” He nodded, swallowing, rubbing her back before he took a seat at the table. “I’ll see you later. Appointment is in three hours.” He nodded again, and with that, you left.  

……………………………………….

Rafael was sitting at the conference table, trying to follow everything Liv was saying and comfort Gabriella at the same time. She was much more aware than she had been before, but he was still worried about her. Luv had called him early in the day, letting him know she wasn’t feeling well, and then she had called him again, saying she wouldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t just leave her there to be miserable, so he had rushed over there, picking her up. She had calmed down some when he picked her up, but he could feel the warmth radiating from her skin. When he finally gotten all your messages and made it to the precinct, he felt panicked and out of sorts, but you, of course, knew just how to calm him down. “Rafa.” Liv’s voice jarred him back to the present. “Walk with me.” He stood up, balancing Gabriella in his arms, 

“Here, I’ll keep an eye on her,” Sonny said, and Rafael nodded, handing her over. He followed Liv down the hall, listening to an interrogation for a few minutes, and then they were heading back out, talking, and he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He almost didn’t turn and look, but then he realized he knew that jacket. The bright pink one he bought for Gabriella, and she was headed right in the direction of the holding cell. He whipped his head around, seeing her making her way towards some shady criminal, and he felt his blood run cold. His vision tunneled down to her, and he felt like he was choking on his breath. He took a step forward, but he was so far away, 

“Gabriella!” it was out of his mouth before he knew what he was doing, and his voice was harsh and loud. She stopped, turning around, her eyes wide and filled with tears. She started sobbing, and he hung his head, sighing for a second before going to scoop her up and comfort her. “Lo siento princesa, it’s okay.” Sonny was starting to walk towards him, but he leveled the other man with a glare. “Don’t,” he hissed, “You were supposed to watch her.” He was holding her close, walking from the building. He was done. He shot Liv a text, letting her know he would call her later, and then he was on his way back to the office. When he walked in, Carmen had a ton of messages waiting for him, of course, so he set Gabriella down on his chair, “You need to stay right here. Daddy will be right back, okay?” She nodded, so he went right outside so he could talk with Carmen. He glanced back in every couple minutes, but then he had to start signing papers, and the next time he looked, she was gone. “Oh shit,” he hissed. He struggled out of his jacket, tossing it into his office before he and Carmen started looking for her. He felt this deep sense of dread. He had left her wander off. She could be anywhere, with anyone. Carmen put a hand on his arm, promising him they would find her, but he was terrified. He slowly made his way through the building, checking in corners and under tables. He was standing in the middle of the building on the verge of tears, unsure of what to do, when a voice behind him startled him. 

“Missing something Rafael?” He whipped around, seeing Rita Calhoun walking towards him, Gabriella in her arms. 

“Rita, oh my god, I’ve never been so happy to see you in my life,” he said, taking Gabriella into his arms and kissing her forehead, “You had me so worried. I told you to stay in my office.” 

“Hide and seek,” she said with a big smile on her face, “Win!” He was too relieved to be angry. 

“Thank you Rita, I was about to call Liv,” he said, and she laughed. He took Gabriella back to his office, letting Carmen know he found her, and then he settled on the couch with her. He hadn’t eaten anything all day, but he had thankfully picked up a muffin on his way in that morning. He had only taken one bite when Gabriella started not so subtly hinting that she wanted some. He broke off a piece for her, and she smiled, devouring it almost immediately. She ate most of his muffin, but he didn’t really mind. He sighed when he phone started going off. He needed to pack up and get ready to go to your appointment, and he was just going to have to take Gabriella with him. 

 


End file.
